RECAP: Vinny Flees The Jersey Shore

No doubt the Jersey Shore gang is happy to be back in their natural habitat, where tanning beds are always cooking, nobody has any trouble getting laid, and they are huge celebrities instead of the scourge of the American scourge of the nightclub.

But while seven of the eight are partying like rock stars upon their return to Seaside Heights, poor Vinny Guidagnino is slumping into a deep depression spurred by clinical anxiety. Frankly, after having lived with all these cretins for so long, we're kind of surprised this is the first time the issue has come up for him. Still, everyone was up to their usual tricks, despite the underlying tone of foreboding -- although they tried to help him out, all the roomies knew Vinny was going to leave. (And thanks to tabloid reports in 2011, so did we...)

No matter what happens though, the Jersey Shore house doesn't stop. There are still underwear to be borrowed, smush rooms to defile, and skin cancer to be cultivated. Here's how it all went down:

PAULY D (102)

-- Pauly D singes his face in the tanning bed, so he does what any intelligent human being would do: Exfoliates the peeling skin, then goes back to the tanning booth and fries the tender layer of skin underneath (-6)

-- He slathers himself in aloe and lets the air conditioner blow directly on his face, which only offers temporary relief (-2)

-- Pauly tries the entire episode to cheer up Vinny. First stop: To the spa for mani/pedis. For the record, we are totally on board with dudes getting pedicures. There's nothing nastier than a guy with icky feel and eagle talon toenails (+3)

-- Later, at Karma, Pauly D finds with a girl who's totally DTF without him putting in any work whatsoever. Ahhh, it's lovely to be back in the States, isn't it? (+3)

-- At home, Pauly takes her to the smush room so that Vinny can rest without being subjected to his sexual exploits. That's what friends are foooooor.... (+4)

-- After Pauly and the random do the deed, the girl locates her underwear, but can't find her shoes. He calls her a cab anyway, and sends her home barefoot at 4 a.m. A guy has to get his beauty sleep, you know (-3)

-- Pauly soon realizes that his favorite gold and diamond chain is missing; MTV cameras show the girl shoving it down her Daisy Dukes when he leaves her to go call the cab (-5)

-- While Pauly is tearing apart the smush room looking for his expensive necklace, we can't help but notice he's already stripped the bed sheets. So although he enjoys random sex, at least he's not as nasty as everyone else, who usually leave the bed sullied (+3)

-- He talks to Snooki in the kitchen while scratching his crotch pretty furiously. Right after having had sex with a stranger. A visit to the doctor may be imminent (-3)

-- The next morning, Pauly's hook-up returns to the house wearing tiny bikini bottoms and a tank top, in order to return his chain. Obviously, she took it so she had an excuse to come back -- or she got sober and realized that there are cameras EVERYWHERE in that house (+4)

-- Next night, the group is getting ready to go out, but Vinny is staying home. Pauly D stays home to try and pull him out of his funk, but Vinny winds up going home anyway (-5)

-- Pauly helps him pack, but you can tell he is seriously upset his bestie is leaving. He tries to lighten the mood with humor -- "Can we sext, at least?" -- but this is about as emotional time as you're going to see on Jersey Shore (-4)

Net gain/loss: -11

Current total: 91

VINNY (96)

-- Everyone has noticed Vinny's depressed state, and when he's hours late for his first day of work, he tells boss about his clinical anxiety and, sometimes, depression. But at least he's got a valid excuse. The rest of these fools usually show up late because they're hungover (+2)

-- Vinny tries to combat his anxiety by not drinking and trying not to dwell on his problems (+2), but he's unable to kick the funk and mopes around the entire episode (-5)

-- Everyone in the house tries to cheer him up. Pauly takes him for relaxing spa treatments (+3); Ronnie takes him to ride rides and play games on the boardwalk (+3)

--  In the end, though, Vinny calls his sister and tells her she's coming home. Good for him, (+5), but sad for the rest of the house. He's pretty much the only moral compass they have ...

-- He says he's doing what he needs for himself, that he will better recover at home. But we have a feeling he'll be back in an episode or two (+3)

Net gain/loss: +13

Current total: 109

SNOOKI (82)

-- After a torrential rain downpour on the way home from the club, everyone is drenched. Snooki asks The Situation if Jionni can borrow a shirt. If she hates Mike so much, why didn't she ask Ronnie or Pauly? It's not like there aren't several juiceheads in the house with shirts big enough to fit her dude (-4)

-- Mike also tosses Jionni a pair of new, dry undies, still in the box. I don't care if they're brand new, the thought of my boyfriend wearing The Situation's underpants just grosses me out (-5)

-- Jionni is ever so grateful to Mike and offers to hook up a midnight feast in the kitchen. He and The Situation are hanging together like besties while Snooki nervously stands by. "I feel like Mike is gonna do something stupid," she says, so she drags her man off to bed before the food is done (-4)

-- Next day, she talks to Jionni on the phone and they discuss that night's plans to go out. "Could you not drink?," he asks. "I don't want you falling over." File under: Conversations You Have When Your Girlfriend Is An Ass Clown (-3)

-- Snooki is getting ready and shows Jenni her underwear, which have Jionni's name screen printed across the butt. While she's proud of Snooks for wearing panties at all, J-Woww reminds her that she might be tempted to show them off at the bar once she's drunk, and that that would upset Jionni (+2)

-- Snooki takes off the Jionni undies. We don't see her put other ones on, but we'll give her the benefit of the doubt here (+1)

-- At the bar, she gets drunk, dances up on a platform and her ass is hanging out. Jionni tries to corral her and she falls down on the floor. My husband walks through the room, looks at the TV and goes, "Is this one a repeat? Or do we just see this happen in every episode?" (-4)

Net gain/loss: -17

Current total: 65

THE SITUATION (96)

-- At the club, The Sitch sees a girl that he's already hooked up with before, snatches her up off dance floor, and brings her home. I've put in more groundwork choosing ripe fruit at the grocery store (+2)

-- Mike lends Snooki's boyfriend a t-shirt (+3)

-- And underwear. New, clean ones, though, still in the box (+4)

-- The Situation and Jionni start cooking up a midnight snack. When Snooki drags Jionni off to bed because she feels awkward, Mike delivers the sandwich to their room. Jionni thinks Sitch is the best (+3)

-- However, Mike immediately brags that he's "the master of deception" and that he's basically playing a game of chess with Snooki by being nice to her man. While we love a villain on reality TV, isn't this guy, like, 30 or something? Also, doesn't he have a random to fornicate with? Get a life, dude (-4)

Net gain/loss: +8

Current total: 104

DEENA (97)

-- Deena sees a guy she hasn't seen for a while at the club, starts making out with him, then drags him home with her for a hook-up sesh. I guess the self-proclaimed "hamster in heat" has now been satiated (+2)

-- Before going out the next night, she drenches herself with 43 -- 43!!!! -- squirts of perfume. We know this because it was so excessive, we had to hit rewind and count (-8)

Net gain/loss: -6

Current total: 91

J-WOWW (102)

-- Jenni summarizes their first outing to Karma: "We have been deprived for so long we are going to go extra hard tonight." Is there a night when these fools don't go hard? (-2)

Net gain/loss: -2

Current total: 100

RONNIE (101)

-- Tries to cheer up Vinny by taking him to the boardwalk for some fun. Better than sitting around (+2), but in the end, it doesn't make much of a difference (-1)

Net gain/loss: -1

Current total: 100

SAMMI (100)

-- When Sammi and Ronnie aren't arguing, Sammi doesn't get a lot of screen time (+0)

Net gain/loss: +0

Current total: 100

SCORECARD:

Vinny: 109

The Situation: 104

J-Woww: 100

Sammi: 100

Ronnie: 100

Pauly D: 91

Deena: 91

Snooki: 65