RECAP: Kim Names Her Baby, And Her Wigs

The holiday season is just filled with surprises, isn't it? Last night, The Real Housewives of Atlanta descended upon Bravo for a special Tuesday night episode, highlighting Kim Zolciak's new baby and Sheree Whitfield's child support case against her ex-husband.

As you can imagine, one was much more joyous than the other, and also served as a warning for Kim and her football player husband, Kroy Biermann: Stay on the right track, or you could end up like these two.

In other events, Kandi Burruss continued development of her sex toy line; Phaedra Parks served as Sheree's lawyer and common sense adviser; and NeNe Leakes and Cynthia Bailey went shopping.

SHEREE (60)

-- Phaedra ribs Sheree for buying a brand new Porsche when she's trying to prove she needs more money to raise her kids. "Most judges are not sympathetic when  your car costs more than they make in a year," Phaedra says (-4)

-- Sheree's ex serves her with papers; he claims he's broke and wants to modify the monthly payment amount, which he has never forked over once, by the way (-5)

-- Because things are now getting more complicated with the case, Phaedra says she's going to have to start billing Sheree for her time. Even though, by the looks of Sheree's outward appearance, she's rolling in money, Phaedra's peeps spend all day tracking Sheree down to secure the retainer fee (-2)

-- Phaedra further advises Sheree not to wear D&G, Valentino or Chanel suits to court, and to leave her $16K Hermes bag at home. Sheree said it shouldn't matter what she wears, that what's important is that her husband do the right thing. Are we the only ones who think Sheree is a few donuts short of a dozen? (-3)

-- Once in court, her ex files a contempt order, claiming Sheree took furniture that was granted to him during the divorces, which Phaedra says is a stall tactic (-3)

-- Her ex is also representing himself in court because he claims he can't afford a lawyer. Sheree says, "If you are smart enough to represent yourself in cases, you are smart enough to go out there and get a job." He DOES keep bragging that he went to Stanford, so she does have a point here (+3)

-- As a side note, though, do you ever see Sheree working? At one point during a commercial break, we Google her finances because we're curious how she's affording new Porsches and multi-million dollars homes and handbags that cost more than my car. It appears she's got skills at creative financing; some reports claim that her mom bailed her house out of foreclosure and that the Aston Martin she bought last year had been repo'd (-4)

-- When they leave the courtroom, Sheree's ex sticks out his tongue at her behind her back, like, "HAHA, I got you!" (-3)

-- Sheree cries at lunch with Kandi and Phaedra that it has come down to this. Nobody said divorce was easy... (-4)

Net gain/loss: -25

Current total: 35

KIM (137)

-- Kim leaves the hospital and announces her vagina hurts. Kinda goes without saying, but leave it to Kim to say it anyway (-2)

-- She walks in at home, and someone -- her kids or assistant -- asks her why she's walking funny. Kim, ever the poet, replies, "Because I just popped an 8-pound kid out of my twat." (-3)

-- Kim and Kroy change the baby in front of the entire family, and he poops while the diaper is off. The girls are totally grossed out, and the dog uses the distraction to pee on the carpet and then roll out (-4)

-- Kim uses the cliche "A for effort," and it comes out that her teen daughter, Brielle, honestly believes the word effort begins with an A. Clearly, it's not a word she's familiar with, which becomes more and more evident as the show unfolds (-4)

-- Kim's assistant washes her human-hair wigs in the kitchen sink using Pantene. We learn that Kim has named all her wigs, as though they are her pets or possibly, her children (-2)

-- When they are clean, Kim tenderly brushes them all atop mannequin heads and sets them in front of the fire to drive. Man, taking care of her wigs is more high maintenance than grooming all three of my pets (-3)

-- Kim's parents come over to visit the baby. Kim tells them Kroy does all the diaper changes because she's afraid of hurting the baby's circumcised penis. Um, wasn't she a nurse in her former life? Good grief, woman, get a grip (-5)

-- Kim explains that eldest daughter Brielle doesn't help or want anything to do with the baby, but Arianna is a hard worker and seems interested in helping out. One out of two ain't bad... (+1)

-- ...Unless you're Arianna, because moments later, the dog drops a deuce inside and she's charged with picking it up. The middle child: always the whipping boy (-2)

Net gain/loss: -24

Current total: 113

KANDI (94)

-- Kandi books football player Charles Grant and his socialite girlfriend, Marlo Hampton, on her Kandi Koated Nights internet program. She wants them to discuss "How to hook a baller and keep them faithful." Isn't that kind of an oxymoron? (-1)

-- On the show, Charles asks Kandi her favorite sex position and she obliges. You know, we could have lived without knowing that (-2)

-- Kandi meets with a rep from a sex toy company to discuss their special technology. (You can hook up your vibrator to your iPod and it will pleasure you to the beat of the music.) Kandi wants to make exclusive tunes just for her own brand of pleasure sticks. Original, but is there a huge market for something so specific? Only time will tell (+2)

-- This meeting is taking place at a restaurant, and as Kandi and her friend laugh as the vibrators skitter loudly across the wooden tables. Folks eating lunch there aren't quite as amused (-3)

-- Kandi also wants to create a lipstick-sized vibrator that you can carry around in your purse. Because you never know when you'll need to sneak in the bathroom and get one off real quick (+1)

Net gain/loss: -3

Current total: 91

PHAEDRA (67)

-- Phaedra's staff has to track down Sheree all over town to get a $5000 check from her before their court date the following day. "Everyone in Atlanta knows that Sheree has had issues with attorney and paying her bills." Good client choice, there, Phaedra (-3)

-- In court, Sheree's ex files a contempt order as a stalling tactic, then Sheree gets upset with Phaedra for not being able to do anything about it. Sheree: "She was outsmarted by an ex football player who represented himself in court." (-4)

-- However, Phaedra is annoyed because Sheree ignored her original advice, which was to send her ex to jail and force him to pay up (-2)

Net gain/loss: -9

Current total: 58

NENE  (84)

-- When Cynthia takes NeNe to a vintage clothing store, NeNe has this to say: "'Vintage' means clothes that have been on other people's bodies. I don't wear clothes that other people have worn." (-5)

Net gain/loss: -5

Current total: 79

CYNTHIA (72)

-- Goes to a vintage store and goes home with a $35 dress. NeNe hates the frock, which is probably a solid vote in its favor (+3)

Net gain/loss: +3

Current total: 75

SCORECARD:

Kim: 113

Kandi: 91

NeNe: 79

Cynthia: 75

Phaedra: 58

Sheree:  35