RECAP: Kyle Contorts at an Engagement Party

On Halloween night, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills were full of tricks and treats as the group gathered to celebrate Lisa Vanderpump's daughter's engagement.

Kyle Richards and Taylor Armstrong offered up a few embarrassing tricks (both of which were better suited to a bedroom than a ballroom) at Pandora's elaborate shindig.  Kim Richards revealed she's been hiding a big giant treat -- her new boyfriend -- from the world for the past year. And there was even a super scary Halloween scene, which was delivered via Kyle's mother-in-law's post-face lift look.

But perhaps the most shocking tidbit for us was seeing Russell Armstrong appear for the first time all season. We weren't sure if Bravo would cut him out altogether after his suicide earlier this year, but clearly, he's still going to be on from time to time. And frankly, it's pretty eerie, knowing how it all ends up.

Anyhow, let's get on to the countdown, shall we?

LISA (36)

-- Tries to call all the women and gets voice mail for everyone except Kyle. Maybe it's payback for her being so rude all season (-2)

-- When she does get Kyle on the horn, they poke fun at Adrienne's cooking skills for a while (-3)

-- Calls Taylor and tells her that Russell is not invited to Pandora's party because of his past blowout with party host Mohammad. We want to know what the argument was about, but they never address it (-1)

-- When Pandora and her fiance, Jason, arrive to her house before the big event, Lisa immediately starts inspecting Jason's clothing options to make sure they're appropriate. And Lisa actually loves him, so we can only imagine the scrutiny she'd put him through if she weren't a fan (-1)

--Lisa has no idea where her own son, Max, is on the brink of such an important event. When he comes in, she tells him that "walking around with your trousers around your bottom" is not appropriate. Now that we can agree with (+3)

-- Gets Pandora a personalized gift -- it's a $68,000 custom necklace she had made from her own diamond bracelet, which was a gift to her from her father. In short, it cost a lot, it's sentimental, and it's beautiful (+5)

-- Husband Ken presents Jason with a special gift -- a $22K Franck Muller watch. Meanwhile, their son, Max, and his saggy drawers watch from afar, probably thinking, "Damn, I need to get engaged immediately!" (+2)

-- The party is totally over the top, with camels and gyrating women holding snakes at the entry way; a full-on Moroccan scene in the ballroom and everything in between (+5)

-- I now want Mohammad to be my bestie, even though he and his million-years-younger fiance kind of creep me out (+3)

Net gain/loss: +11

Current total:  47

KYLE (76)

-- Accompanies her mother-in-law to a face lift consultation with Adrienne's plastic surgeon hubby, Paul, even though she doesn't really think she needs it (+2)

-- After the surgery, MIL is all bandaged up like mummy and Kyle can't bear to look at her without crying. We've seen enough eps of Nip/Tuck that it didn't surprise us, but it is probably more traumatic if you are related to the person (-3)

-- She and Mauricio go to dinner at Taylor and Russell's house, and seem very much in love, which is a stark contrast to their hosts' relationship (+2)

-- When Russell suspects Lisa has been feeding the tabloids gossip about him and Taylor, Kyle sticks up for her. In confessional, she's like, "Everyone in town knows. It's the gossip that's going around." (+2)

-- Gets emotional at Pandora's party and starts talking to her eldest daughter about getting married and having babies. Daughter looks at Kyle all crazy-like, which is no surprise since she's only in her early 20s (-1)

-- When the contortionists start performing at the party, Kyle sidles in and starts her own gyrations. Next thing you know, she's doing the splits on a dinner table while making weird fish faces and embarrassing herself. Mauricio and daughter, Farrah, quietly eat in the corner and pretend they don't see her (-5)

-- For the love of God, is this Kyle spectacle ever going to end? (-2)

Net gain/loss: -5

Current total: 71


-- Is planning a ranch/cowboy theme for Kennedy's fifth birthday party this year. Expects 200 people to attend, because obviously Kennedy had SO much fun at her totally overdone mad hatter party last year (-3)

-- The cake alone will cost $2000 -- no Costco cake for this kid (-1)

-- Is having Kyle and Mauricio over for dinner, and this is the first time all season we've seen Russell. It's kind of creepy, and when I first saw him, it gave me chills (-3)

-- Russell says the tabloids reported that day that he and Taylor had called it quits, and he thinks Lisa is the one who leaked the story. He discusses filing a lawsuit to flush out the source (-2)

-- Arrives at Pandora's engagement party (solo, of course), and is a TOTAL drama queen over the camel and snake-carrying women at the entrance. You'd think Leatherface is coming after her with a chainsaw or something (-3)

-- Even though she's irritated at Lisa, has the good manners to not bring it up at her daughter's big soiree (+2)

-- Later, when Kyle is doing her little contortion moves, Taylor pulls her leg up backward, all the way to her head.  Who knew the stick figure was so flexible? (+2)

Net gain/loss: -8

Current total: 70


-- Husband Paul is getting tons of free advertising giving Mauricio's mother a face lift this episode (+4)

-- Paul mentions setting up Kim with another doctor, who happens to look like Mark Wahlberg. He must hate this guy, because we always get the impression that Paul thinks Kim is a wack job (-2)

-- Adrienne gets a stencil tattoo sprayed on at the engagement party, proving once again that she's the Housewife with the smallest stick up her hind quarters (+4)

-- Why does her voice always sound like she just finished smoking a carton of cigarettes, though? (-1)

Net gain/loss: +5

Current total: 107

KIM (51)

-- Kim calls Lisa to cancel out on the big shindig because she's preparing to move over the weekend. I think she moves one time per season to give her an excuse to get out of participating (-1)

-- Goes out to dinner with her boyfriend, and let's just say Halloween is an appropriate time to introduce his face to the world (-2)

-- However, he did get slightly more attractive once he cracked a smile (+1)

-- She has been dating him a year, and Kyle doesn't even know because A) They weren't on speaking terms for several months; and B) She doesn't want Kyle harshing her over her personal life. We'll give Kim this: She's pretty good at keeping a secret (+3)

-- Is worried that her family won't like the dude, but we think they'll be more pissed at being kept in the dark for a year (-2)

-- Kim and her hunka burnin' love met at the mailbox in her neighborhood. Guess there's something to be said for getting your bills, after all (+3)

Net gain/loss: +2

Current total: 53


-- Doesn't really do anything interesting except report what we were all thinking about party guests at Pandora's party: "There's a lot of cleavage here." (+1)

Net gain/loss: +1

Current total: 121

DANA (73)

-- Dana is helping Taylor with the birthday party. She asks the cake woman for a catalog because she's unfamiliar with cowboy themes. Because, you know, cowboys don't wear $25,000 sunglasses or Valentino shorts. What kind of idiot can't work with that theme? (-2)

Net gain/loss: -2

Current total: 71


-- Brandi and her crutches were absent from this episode, which means the language censors probably had 10 hours less overtime this week (-1)

Net gain/loss: -1

Current total: 67


Camille: 121

Adrienne: 107

Kyle: 71

Dana: 71

Taylor: 70

Brandi: 67

Kim: 53

Lisa: 47