RECAP: The Housewives Make Children Cry

After a week off for Labor Day, The Real Housewives of New Jersey returned last night to TV  in all their glory.

Most of the episode revolved around Teresa and various events: A charity run that all the 'wives and their families participated in; her ongoing argument with her brother (and Melissa's husband), Joe Gorga; and a fifth birthday party for her brattiest daughter, Malania.

It's probably worth mentioning here that every one of the ladies but Caroline showed up to the run in full hair and make-up and ski bunny attire. To exercise. First thing in the morning. Gotta love those Joisey girls.

Anyway, in the various other side plots, Melissa and Joe spent a night on the town with Caroline's sons and their roommate, Greg. Since Jacqueline's daughter Ashley didn't appear this week to terrorize her mother, Jax was pretty much decoration. Meanwhile, Kathy's biggest contribution was being the only true runner at the charity run.

In other words, it was pretty much all Teresa, all the time. Just the way she likes it.

TERESA (-68)

-- Shows up at Caroline's unannounced. It's possible she was due to visit the day before, but was just running late again (-3)

-- Tells Caroline and Jacqueline that she's worried about her brother and husband getting along at her daughter, Malania's, birthday party. I love that she's having a party for five-year-olds, but is worried about the adults acting like children (-4)

-- She calls Melissa so that they can try and get the guys to act their age, but we miss half the conversation because we are distracted by all the crap glued to Teresa's cell phone, which includes crystals, huge jewels, and gigantic 3-D flowers. I guess she can  never lose it, no matter how hard she tries (-4)

-- Teresa and Melissa start arguing, each sticking up for their hubby (-2)

-- On the morning of the run, the first movement we hear and see at Teresa's come from her bowels, as she flushes the toilet and talks endlessly about having diarrhea (-6)

-- "Running a 5K is hard," she says, "but it's harder if you've got the runs." Watching this show is hard, but it's harder when you're forced to learn about the Housewives' poop (-4)

-- Teresa tries to wake up Joe, and tells him about her stomach problem. Then she says, "Get up or I'll put my butthole on your face." At this point, I consider changing the channel back to the football game (-5)

-- Joe brings sausage and wine to the 5K. At 8 in the morning. Somehow, the stomach problems are all making sense now (-2)

-- Teresa makes one last plea with Joe not to start any crap with Joe Gorga at the charity run, and he promises her he won't. As soon as he gets out of the car, he starts ripping on him (-2)

-- Of course, they arrive to pick up their race number ten minutes after the race has begun (-1)

-- Teresa is getting Malania ready for her birthday party, and Malania throws a tantrum because a bedazzled hair comb isn't enough. "I want to wear a crown. I want the BIG CROWN! I like what I like." She's just turning five, so we can only imagine how fun she will be as a teenager (-3)

-- Teresa has many nice ways to discuss the fact that Malania is a total nightmare. "She's very determined. Malania is full of energy and very outspoken." Can you say denial? (-2)

-- Malania wants to wear a princess dress, but Teresa has something else in mind and tells the child, "You've already worn that." Because kids care about that kind of thing a lot (-3)

-- The party is at Joe's pizzeria because they're trying to save money (+3)

-- At the party, Gia sings Malania a song. Then she sings a sad little ditty about Teresa and her brother Joe's ongoing feud, which she can't get out without crying. She takes the wind out of everyone's sails and everyone reflects on how stupid the sibling feud is (-8)

-- Afterward, Gia talks to Teresa about it and cries some more. When a kid sheds tears while holding a delicious cupcake, all is not right in the world (-4)

Net gain/loss: -42

Current score: -110

MELISSA (30)

--  After the 5K, she stops to check her hair and makeup even though she walked about five minutes before quitting (-3)

-- Melissa and Greg, who is gay, are instant besties. When the Gorgas go out with the Manzo boys and Greg, Joe says to Greg, "Fondle (Melissa)! I want to see." The more Joe drinks, the more ridiculous he gets, and while we love it personally, we are embarrassed for Melissa (-2)

-- When Joe runs up and jumps into Greg's arms while wrapping his legs around Greg's waist, Melissa ponders whether Joe might not be a 100 percent man's man. Is this seriously the first time she's ever wondered? Because after the second time he donned a women's mini dress this season, we were kinda like, hmmmm (-4)

-- He continues to drink and begins over-sharing: "My wife looks innocent, but she's a beast -- and I love it!," which was not nearly as traumatizing as hearing that he named his man pole "Tarzan" and that he keeps it landscaped. T-to-the-M-to-the-I (-4)

-- At Malania's birthday party, Gia sings a depressing song that likely stems from Teresa and Joe's feud (-3)

Net gain/loss: -16

Current score: 14

CAROLINE (149)

-- Comes home and Teresa is sitting in her driveway, and she continues home instead of throwing it into reverse (+2)

-- When Teresa starts telling her about the most recent fight between the Joes, Caroline simply says, "Real men don't fight over text (messages)." Amen (+3)

-- The Manzos are on the way to the 5K run and nobody seems very excited about it. Says Chris: "If there's a burger in front of me or a murderer behind me, then I'll run." (+2)

-- The Manzos ridicule Teresa all the way to the run in the car, and it's hilarious (+2)

-- Even though Caroline and company organized participating in the run, none come close to finishing the race (-2)

-- Sons are totally nervous to have stinky rich Melissa and Joe over to their humble condo, but they end up going out, having a great time and partying like rock stars (+4)

-- At home, daughter Lauren makes mozzarella with her boyfriend as a date, and as they knead the moistened cheese, Bravo plays obnoxious sexy music that makes it totally nauseating. And trust us, we usually love anything to do with cheese (-5)

Net gain/loss: +6

Current score: 155

JACQUELINE (11)

-- Jacqueline and her husband are less than enthused about exercising for charity. "Can we just give money and not walk?" asks Jacqueline. I mean, really? It's only, like, 2+ miles (-3)

-- No Ashley this week! (+5)

Net gain/loss: +2

Current score: 13

KATHY (134)

-- Is a runner and, with her husband, are the only people who seem to look forward to the walk (+3)

-- Outside Malania's birthday party, Richie jokes with Joe Gorga about knocking out Joe Guidice's other front tooth. We don't condone violence, but, um, raise your hand if you think Joe Giudice is a d-bag (+2)

Net gain/loss: +5

Current score: 139

SCORECARD:

Caroline: 155

Kathy: 139

Melissa: 14

Jacqueline: 13

Teresa: -110