Character Countdown: Jersey Shore 2.5, Season Finale

The next time we see the cast of Jersey Shore they'll be desecrating the soil of their native land, Italy.

This could be good or bad for the U.S. On one hand, they won't be here. But they will be representing our country abroad, and frankly, I will probably be too embarrassed about this to ever visit Italy now. Thanks, a lot MTV.

Anyhoo, Thursday's season finale featured some good, old-fashioned fun; some fighting; and wrapped up a few loose ends. Fun: Danny, the cast's boss from the t-shirt shop, threw them a going away party, to which they all invited friends and family members. And they spent one last night carousing the club.

Fights: Deena and Vinny had it out, and you'll *never* guess who else went head to head.

Loose ends: J-Woww decided how to handle her blooming relationship with Roger, and the whole Sammi and Arvin thing was finally resolved. Finally, Jenni's dogs crapped on the carpet a few times, leaving final stash of bacteria in a house that should be burned to the ground immediately for the general health of Seaside Heights.

Until Italy... ciao, bellas!

SNOOKI (-47)

-- Spends her entire last work shift making free clothes for her friends (-2)

-- The boss doesn't care, because hey, it's free advertising for his store (+3)

-- At home, turns cartwheels in the living room while wearing micro mini dress (-3)

-- At least she has panties on this time (+4)

-- Finds someone to bed -- a previous conquest, Nick -- her last night in the club (+2)

-- Goes home early with him, probably to claim smoosh room, and makes him a grilled cheese sandwich for some added sex stamina (+4)

-- Turns out he doesn't need sustinence. Snooki claims he has "whiskey d***," which means that he's so drunk he can have sex for hours before petering out. (Will our additions to the Jersey Shore glossary NEVER end?) (+4)

-- Snooks and Captain Erection are jostled from their adult activities by a Ron-and-Sam melee, which is occuring right outside their door. Sometimes, it pays to get a hotel room (-5)

-- Snooki can fit inside a suitcase and proves it while they're all packing to go home. It may or may not have been a carry-on (+2)

-- Announces her plan to run for president someday: "The economy would rise, everyone would be tan and all the radios would play house music." Can't be any worse than Sarah Palin, can it? (-5)

Net gain/loss: +4

Final total: -43

J-WOWW (100)

-- Roger shows up on Jenni's last night out; asks her to be his girlfriend. They both seemed nervous and it was kinda cute (+3)

-- She says yes and admits he gives her butterflies. She deserves it after that Tom jerk (+6)

-- They go home and likely want to celebrate their new relationship status, but Ron and Sammi's brouhaha doesn't exactly set the mood (-4)

-- By the way, have you ever seen someone's dogs take more craps indoors? It's not like the human inhabitants set much of an cleanliness example, but can't one of them take these dogs outside once in a while? (-3)

-- Says she had the best summer of her life (+3), and that the Jersey Shore house feels like her home. Yes, a house filled with constant fighting, a lingering cloud of hairspray, rancid toilet overflows and likely all manner of STDs is where her heart is. Poor Jenni (-4)

Net gain/loss: +1

Final total: 101

SAMMI (41)

-- Gets on the phone with Arvin and denies that they hooked up, but looks totally guilty (-3)

-- The fact that she's wearing a sequin-encrusted mini dress and 10 pounds of makeup in the middle of the day doesn't help her look innocent (-3)

-- She continues to deny their makeout session, even though Arvin pinpoints the exact night and location of the spit exchange (-2)

-- Later admits to Ronnie that they did hook up. "I was 21! I'm 23 going on 24. That was years ago!" (+4 for telling the truth, but -2 for thinking Ronnie would forgive her)

-- At the bar, chats it up with a group of guys while Ronnie looks on. Nail, meet coffin (-5)

-- Tries to be all chummy with Ronnie as they're walking home, but he leaves her in the dust (-1)

-- At home, the have a heart-to-heart, which, for them, involves pointing fingers, tell each other off and using adjectives suitable for the person that just ran over your dog (-4)

-- Spoilx the mood for two other couples trying to get it in on their last night in the house (-5)

-- Says to Ronnie: "My biggest regret is YOU!" Ouch. (-3)

-- Attempts sweet talking him in the morning, but he dumps her for the umpteenth million time (-4)

Net gain/loss: -32

Final total: 9

RONNIE (-10)

-- After he finds out that Sammi and Arvin had a bit of romantic history, says he feels like a fool for trusting her (-3)

-- On his last day of work, he wears a t-shirt from a competing shop on the boardwalk (-2)

-- His skinny little boss rips it in half down the front (-3)

-- Has no intention of working that day and catches some Z's on the back counter (-3 for his crappy work ethic, but +2 that he actually got away with it for four hours)

-- Is shown in his bed, cuddling a stuffed penguin (-2)

-- However, he must be really secure in his manhood to be shown doing so (+3)

-- Watches Sammi hanging with a bunch of dudes at the club (-4)

-- At home, they fight and ruin everyone's last night in the house... but they ruined a lot of nights in the house, so nothing new here (-5)

Net gain/loss: -17

Final total: -27

VINNY (115)

-- Wants to hook up with Deena's friend at the party, and she seems totally into him (+4)

-- Deena intervenes with a ginormous c-block because A) Snooki has feelings for Vinny, and B) Vinny just brought home some skank the night before (-5)

-- Keeps trying for a while, but Deena keeps thwarting the pairing. He finally gets pissed and gives up (-3)

-- At home, everyone is snacking in the kitchen, and Vinny eats watermelon with a spoon right out of the mammoth half-shell. What's next? Drinking milk straight from the carton? (-4)

-- Compares Deena to Angelina for ruining everyone's fun (-1)

Net gain/loss: -9

Final total: 106

DEENA (48)

-- When Mike gets all up in Sammi and Ron's business regarding Arvin, Deena is the voice of reason and tells everyone to mind their own biz (+2)

-- At party, dances provocatively and does the Jersey Turnpike dance move on Vinny's uncle. I have no words (-3)

-- Even though her best friend seems interested in Vinny and vice versa, Deena "will not allow it!" Spends the entire night dragging her friend around by the hand (-4)

-- At home, Vinny calls her an "Angelina," and she bitches him out (-3)

-- Later makes Vinny two grilled cheese sandwiches as a peace offering, and all is right in the world again. Guess the way to a dude's heart really is through the stomach (+3)

Net gain/loss: -5

Final total: 43

THE SITUATION (43)

-- As Sammi talks to Arvin on the phone, Mike hovers and editorializes to Ronnie (-4)

-- The whole group helps make Sunday dinner, the bulk of which usually falls largely on the Sitch (+3)

-- Later apologizes to Sammi for being a jackass and they hug (+2)

Net gain/loss: +1

Final total: 44

PAULY D (98)

-- Throws in a few of his trademark phrases ("Cabs are he-yah!" "Yeah, buddy!"), and rides off into the sunset (+3)

-- Is the only person who hangs all of his clothes to travel instead of using a suitcase. Harder to carry, but way less ironing when he gets home. He's gotta save that extra time for ironing out his hair! (+2)

Net gain/loss: +5

Final total: 103

SEASON TOTALS (Who ever thought the boys would do so well?):

Vinny: 106

Pauly D: 103

J-Woww: 101

The Situation: 44

Deena: 43

Sammi: 9

Ronnie: -27

Snooki: -43


VMAs 2018