Twilight: Eclipse Live Blog!

We here at Film.com have sat through quite a bit of Twilight-related material over the years, and after the amount of fun I had doing the Scott Pilgrim Live Blog, doing a live blog for Twilight: Eclipse seemed only natural. Eclipse is the third installment in the much beloved Twilight series. For some people, it is also the third installment in the much disliked Twilight series. For me, at least, reading the books and seeing the movies filled me with a sense of glee that I was finally able to pick up on overt manipulation and co-dependence when I saw it. But enough about me, on to the live blog!

Spoilers, obviously.

0:00:57 Where are we? This guy isn't a vampire, he's not cool enough. Also, he's getting his butt kicked. And all before the opening credits!

0:02:15 Finally, the name of this movie, which appears to be Eclipse. No opening credits! Very classy.

0:02:47 Ew, Edward and Bella being lovey-dovey in that meadow they're always lounging around in. He's still sparkly, and they appear to have amped that up as well. He wants her to marry him and she says no, citing divorce rates, improbably.

0:05:30 The age-old fight between father and daughter over dating a vampire. Like any good co-dependent, Bella informs her dad that there's "nothing you can say." Oh, to be 17 again and filled with such certainty.

0:08:33 Ha ha, Edward broke her car so she can't go see Jacob. Bella calmly accepts this like any abused woman.

0:10:50 Why would a county policeman get involved with a Seattle disappearance case? Curious and curiouser.

0:12:25 Bella's dad hates Edward so much. Few things bring me as much joy, and it's a nice counterbalance to her excessive fawning.

0:14:24 Bella's mom made her a dopey quilt for her graduation. It's probably the only time Bella's going to smile this entire movie, so soak it up.

0:16:19 Chase sequence! The rest of the Cullen family not in Florida chases Victoria through the woods. Victoria is way faster than any of them.

0:18:38 Whoa, Jacob is smoldering. Smoldering all over the place.

0:19 :18 Edward: "I was trying to protect you." Bella: "By lying to me." Yes, Bella, and you're surprised by his behavior, why exactly?

0:22:36 I could have lived my whole life without learning what imprinting was, but here we are, facing a dark new future. As with all the Twilight movies, the plot is powered forward by awkward pauses and stilted conversation.

0:29:20 What? Oh, nothing, it's just me, Jacob, lounging shirtless by my car. Don't worry about it.

0:32:17 These tribal council werewolf histories are so overwrought and medieval that K-stew adopts a particularly nauseous look on her face.

Eclipse0:37:04 Dude, the missing person, Riley? He was born in 1990. Let that seep into the furthest corners of your brain. 1990! People who were born in 1990 are old enough to talk, walk, and become vampires. For some reason this is really blowing my mind.

0:39:15 "You will always be my Bella," Edward intones shakily as they engage in some PG-level kissing and laying around in the dark.

0:40:41 Big reveal: JACOB IS IN LOVE WITH BELLA. Who saw that coming? No one? Bella is not swayed by his arguments even though he's obviously a much better choice despite not seeming to have any goals in life.

0:43:04 Ha, an allusion to how clumsy Bella is. This whole series is kind of an allusion to how clumsy Bella is.

0:45:03 Oh god, are we going to be "treated" to the entire history of each member of the Cullen clan? This one with Rosalie is sordid to the max and kind of confirms that Rosalie was just as bratty alive as she is dead.

0:49:50 Forgot Dakota Fanning is in this. The melodrama runs high with this crew, and yet the Volturi all look bored.

0:50:37 Aww ... how sad: everyone laughed at Jessica when she said she wanted to be a gold medalist when she grew up! Let the girl dream a little, jeez.

0:54:24 Wolf and vampires working together! United in their love for Bella!

0:57:20 Jasper takes control of the training, and it's time to learn how to kill newborn vampires. And yet I don't understand how lunging at each other and wrestling is useful as "training" but everyone seems to get something out of it.

1:01:26 Another Cullen Family History lesson! This time involving Jasper and his time in the Civil War. Again, lest we forget, vampires are ruthless killers. Jasper's accent keeps changing.

1:04:13 Warning: super cute moment between Alice and Jasper. I really wonder, though, about vampire love lasting forever. Most people can't even keep their human marriages going for like 20 years; how are you supposed to deal with a spouse for all of eternity? Especially if the other person can never truly change?

1:09:20 Jacob looks so happy to be holding Bella that he has stopped walking and smiles at her like a goon.

1:10:26 Presented without comment: Alice: Actually, you and Edward will have the house to yourselves tonight. Bella: [pause, confused look] Like, alone?

1:10:45 OK, I wasn't sure before but now I am. Every time that Bella or her dad talk to each other in this movie, the subject of food gets brought up either immediately or eventually, but yes, as puny humans I suppose their lives would revolve around eating. This conversation swings from food to marriage to Charlie trying to give her the sex talk, all which ends in Bella awkwardly telling her dad that she is still a virgin and ohmygod is this scene over yet?

Eclipse1:15:33 This is kind of weird, Edward won't sleep with her because he says it could literally kill her. "I just want to be married to you first." So Twilight is comfortable promoting co-dependent semi-abusive relationships but not premarital sex, got it. Gotta draw the line somewhere.

1:19:28 And even though he's been asking her the entire movie, we have a marriage proposal and acceptance, folks. Surely everything will work out great now.

1:22:08 This movie is SO LONG. Send food and supplies, I'm going to be watching this dimly lit masterpiece for the rest of my life. Although if they cut out all the long pauses and staring into space, we could tie this thing up in about an hour and a half.

1:26:06 Jacob to Edward: "Let's face it, I am hotter than you." Even though he's talking about body temperature, we all still feel the BURN. Oh wow, and now he's, like, holding Bella making suggestive comments. I like this guy more and more.

1:34:03 Bella asked Jacob to kiss her! This is huge, people! This is MEGA NEWS. She said, like, five minutes ago that she'd never ask him but then she did. Women are so fickle. Also, can we take a moment and meditate on how cruel it is that she just kind of endlessly strings Jacob along even though she's obviously going to go with Edward?

1:45:06 There was a fight, blah blah blah, nothing interesting happened except the vampires won. And now the Volturi are here, looking like a Celtic singing group from the late '90s. Cloaks, pale faces, and about to break into song.

1:52:08 Bella and Edward back in the meadow. Bella spouting off nonsense about her life choices, like anyone in her position at age 17 can have any real perspective on life choices. Something about a choice between who she should be, and who she is. If you're still awake at this point, you win. She slips her engagement ring on and everything is finally over.

When does Breaking Dawn start, again?

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is available now from Summit Entertainment.