Character Countdown: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 4

After attending two children's birthday parties in Thursday night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Lisa Vanderpump said it best: "What ever happened to pin the tail on the donkey?"

Amen, sister, amen!

In the most recent ep, Taylor and Kyle threw birthday parties for their little princesses, spending enough money between them to pay off a decent chunk of the national deficit. Taylor's 4-year-old was treated to a lush Mad Hatter's Tea Party, while Kyle's two-year-old enjoyed a lavish event that included baby animals, a train ride and more. Of course, the parties were held on the same day, because women love to compete like that.

Lisa, too, had a birthday with visits from her children; Camille enjoyed a trip to her house in Hawaii; Kim found a place to live; and Adrienne spent some QT at home with her children.

This installment was pretty family-friendly -- by RH standards, anyway -- but next week, the claws come back out during a trip to New York. Whee!

Taylor Armstrong TAYLOR (75)

-- Decides that four is the right age to buy her daughter her first piece of expensive jewelry and spends $1,600 on a diamond Barbie necklace. We are mortified, but this expenditure is a mere pittance of what she will ultimately fork out (-2)

-- Today's parents now provide birthday party guests with goody bags, which are filled with small toys and trinkets for the little people. Taylor buys all 25 child guests $95 Barbie necklaces. Someone needs to make her aware of Claire's in the mall (-3)

-- Hires a party planner that works on soirees for the Grammys and Academy Awards. Someone is trying to show Teresa Guidice who's the real hostess with the mostest (-2)

-- The festivities are to include (but are not limited to) tea service, scones, sandwiches, gourmet desserts, insanely intricate flower arrangements, a live band, photographers, chi-chi place settings and champagne (for the adults). And oh my God, I DID NOT just see a Louis Vuitton trash can! (-4)

-- On party day, daughter Kennedy has no interest in all the folderol. Surprise, surprise! (-5)

-- Kennedy refuses to take any photos with Taylor, so Taylor sends her away with the nanny and has a personal photo session amid all the decorations. Kennedy watches and sulks because what she probably wants is some attention from her mother on her birthday (-3)

-- Um, why is there a bodyguard at a children's birthday party? Did someone invite the Salahis? (-4)

-- The only apparent activities for the little girls is frolicking around a tree with people dressed up as fairies. Meh (-3)

-- A band performs at the party and sings an original theme song written for Kennedy (+2)

-- The lyrics include the line "You're beautiful, just like your mom," and we suspect Taylor may have ghost-written this little ditty (-1)

-- Kennedy does seem to like the Barbie necklace (+3), but she doesn't have long to fawn over it because dad announces the arrival of his gift (-2)

-- It's a PUPPY! Aaaand, in the contest of the best birthday gift, it's a wrap (-5)

-- Taylor seems upset that Russell got a dog because she'll end up being the one who deals with it, which is basically like having another kid (-4)

-- Final price tag for birthday shindig: $60,000. Number of sh*ts given by children over the excess: 0 (-6)

Net gain/loss: -39

Current total: 36

Kyle Richards KYLE (93)

-- Is planning a birthday party for her 2-year-old daughter. We are intrigued because our son will be 2 next summer; maybe we can get some pointers (+2)

-- No cocktails for the parents at the party, Kyle says. Keeping drunkenness to a minimum around toddlers seems like a decent plan (+1)

-- In touch with what children want, she orders up a bouncy house, a motorized choo-choo train and a petting zoo (+5), and in the next breath laments how children's birthday parties have gotten out of control (-1)

-- At least she seems to recognize she's part of the problem (+1), and sadly for us, her $12,000 price tag seems somewhat reasonable after watching Taylor spend $60,000 (+2)

-- Pointers we picked up from this party: A children's party is for kids, not for adults. Also, we cannot afford $12,000 for a party (+1)

Net gain/loss: +11

Current total: 104

Camille Grammer CAMILLE (60)

-- Is going to Hawaii for spring break with her two kids, two nannies, a house manager and her best friend. So basically, she's going with her bestie (+5)

-- Acts like she's in hell because Kelsey isn't going to be there to help. Help with what? You have more servants than actual children (-4)

-- The preparations for said trip are totally stressing her out: "There's a lot to it: Packing and calling the house manager and making sure everything is working." Our heart bleeds for her (-2)

-- We then learn she will also have a car service, rental cars delivered to her and someone else will do the cooking. We are totally throwing up in our mouths, but it's out of pure jealousy (+4)

-- The spread, in a private community in Kona, has seven bedrooms, a lanai, pool and hot tub (+6)

-- Camille's best friend says that Camille lost her get-up-and-go when she married Kelsey (-3), but she did gain seven luxurious houses and more servants than a family of four could ever need, so doesn't that kind of make it even? (+3)

-- Camille goes on to explain she basically dedicated her entire life to keeping Kelsey sober for 12 years. That sucks, but it probably also qualifies her for a job with the A&E show Intervention if this Housewives thing doesn't work out (+4)

-- Flaunts bikini'd parts in a jacuzzi with an older, graying, pudgy guy whose presence there is never really explained (-2)

-- Thrives on his compliments when dude calls her "eye candy" and begs him for more approval. For some reason, this makes us feel kind of sad for her (-2)

-- Doughy man talks about how generous she and Kelsey are (+3), but then Camille goes on to boast about their giving spirit, which is kind of a turnoff (-1)

Net gain/loss: +11

Current total: 71

Lisa Vanderpump LISA (109)

-- Cooks a delicious comfort food meal for her family. It's nice to see one of these ladies actually operate kitchen utensils instead of relying on a chef every time (+4)

-- Daughter is home to visit for Lisa's birthday (+3), but Lisa loses a point for having named her Pandora, even if it was 24 years ago (-1)

-- Son Max, who is living in Idaho with his godmother after some problems in school, surprises her for her birthday (+3)

-- She asks to see the guitar that he made, and he just happens to have the huge pieces sitting there under the table at the swanky restaurant. Thanks for setting up that scene, Bravo! (+2)

-- When he pulls it out, we can't believe he made it. It sure turned out better than the bermuda shorts we had to make in high school home ec class (+5)

-- After he graduates, Max wants to attend the Musicians Institute in Hollywood and Lisa worries he will be around a bunch of druggies and layabouts (-2)

-- When they go on a tour of the school, Lisa asks the admissions counselor if the students there have problems with drugs. Way to stereotype, and simultaneously embarrass your son (-3)

-- In the end, the school wins her over and she's happy to let her son follow his dreams (+2)

Net gain/loss: +13

Current total: 122

Adrienne Maloof ADRIENNE (127)

-- Admits that even though she runs multi-million dollar businesses, being a mother is the hardest job in the world. We would have called b.s. on this until we had a child of our own. We are now fried by about 2 p.m. every day (+3)

-- Has three children and a thriving career and a part-time nanny, housekeeper and a chef. They are luxuries for sure, but don't seem as excessive as some of the other BH wives (+2)

Net gain/loss: +5

Current total: 132

Kim Richards KIM (101)

-- Moves into her new house and loves it (+2)

-- Can't figure out how to use her new oven and enlists her teenage daughter for help. So far, Kim is giving RHONYC Kelly Bensimon a run for the dumbest housewife on TV (-3)

-- Arrives late to niece's birthday party. In her defense, she is moving into the house on the same day, but still... (-2)

Net gain/loss: -3

Current total: 98

CURRENT TOTALS:

Adrienne: 132

Lisa: 122

Kyle: 104

Kim: 98

Camille: 71

Taylor: 36