10 Things We Learned From Watching Paranormal Activity 2

Paranormal Activity 2 won the weekend with relative ease, earning over $40 million in ticket sales. But did you gain any new insights into the human condition from the film? We certainly did! Behold, the 10 things we learned from watching Paranormal Activity 2.

Spoilers, naturally.

1. The dog won't protect you.

I know what you're thinking, I've been there. You've purchased a massive German Shepherd, a dog that would run through a wall for you -- surely this canine will offer some defense against demon spirits?

No, it won't, and don't call me Shirley. When the demons come, what's going to happen to your poor pooch? First, it won't be able to sleep. Next, it will bark fruitlessly at the air. Finally, it will be dragged off to the basement and have seizures. So yeah, pretty much the same reaction you get from watching political advertising these days. Beyond terrifying.

2. When the cabinets start opening themselves, it's time to move.

Many people would figure, "Ugh, moving is the worst! I'll just close all the drawers and cabinets each and every time they open." This could not be more wrong. Admittedly, moving is difficult. But not as difficult as dying. Dying, compared to moving, is at least twice as painful.

3. Siblings give terrible advice.

How many times have you reached out to a brother or sister for counsel in a time of need? Paranormal Activity 2 argues you might as well ask the blender for stock tips. When your sister tells you, essentially, to "ignore all the paranormal activity," well, it's time to get a new sister. Ignoring demons doesn't make them go away. See point #1, about the politicians.

4. Pool cleaning machines occasionally come equipped with jet packs.

You'd be inclined to think everything was due to the demon desperately trying to hunt you down. Not so fast! Part of your problem could be your pool's automatic cleaner. Is it climbing out of the pool? Simply reset the pressure levels on the motor. Blaming a demon for things it didn't do isn't just offensive to the demon, it's also engaging in "anti-demonic slander" -- illegal since the controversial Supreme Court ruling "Beelzebub vs. Fonk" ruling. Be the bigger person, blame the demon when it's trying to kill you ... but not for every little thing.

5. If someone gets sucked into the basement for a few hours, it's time to ask the hard questions.

I know you don't want to bring it up; your loved one seems dazed, and you're just sitting down to a nice dinner. But it's definitely time. What were they doing down there? And why are they all scratched up? Could they be taking their Shakeweight training a little too seriously? Or perhaps a demon possessed them? These are the things you're gonna want to know if that couple's counseling is to prove worthwhile.

6. Don't waste time videotaping.

We live in a YouTube culture, and it is natural to want to show off to your friends. Resist this urge. Because while having a viral hit on your hands is fine and dandy, getting killed in the process isn't ideal. If Paranormal Activity 2 teaches us anything it's

1) run first

2) consider "cool points" later.

Worst case scenario: you've got a great topic for your next open mic night, or you've got one helluva story for the insurance adjuster.

7. Should demonic disaster befall you, Paramount Pictures will credit appropriately.

These days, I think we all worry that corporations are taking advantage of us. Paranormal Activity 2 wants to tell you "Not so!" If you and your family get killed by a gruesome and punitive demon you can bet your bottom dollar the studio that finds the footage will give you a hearty "thanks" in the opening credits. See? Corporate America has feelings too.

8. Demons are sexist!

Women have worked tirelessly to be guaranteed the same pay and rights as the menfolk. But the demon movement is attempting to set all that back 200 years! Otherwise, why would they want a male heir? What gives, demon? Are women not important enough to kidnap? Drag 'em down into the basement, sure, but don't use them as legal tender for the selling of souls? The demon in Paranormal Activity 2 waited generations for a son to be born -- a total jerk move if you consider the amount of able-bodied females available for haunting.

Sorry, demon, your throwback "men rule, ladies drool" attitude isn't going to fly around these parts. I don't want to have to lecture you, but I demand to see more equality in your demon contracts going forward.

9. Go on every school field trip. It could save your life.

A rousing vote of confidence for our flagging educational system, Paranormal Activity 2 allows Ali to escape the wrath of the demon simply by getting her field trip on. Respect due, demon, and respect given.

10. Babies get off scot-free.

The demon made a deal for a male heir, and it was willing to kill / possess to get restitution on said deal. I get that. But what happens to the baby? Does it get sent to a charter school? Does it become the creator of email spam? Does it summer in Nantucket but not shop locally?? Whatever the case, the baby, the precious bambino, seemingly gets off without a scratch while the adults involved take it on the chin.

Unless we're looking at a Paranormal Activity 3: Demon Baby Takes Manhattan spin-off project? What's that? We are? Oh, nevermind then, I strike my last lesson.

Now then, fancy a Shakeweight workout?