Ranking the Real Househusbands: From Lame To Lamest

As far as house-husbands go, Real Housewives Caroline Manzo, Vicki Gunvalson, Jill Zarin are some of the lucky ones.

No doubt these social wives are the stars of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Orange County and New York City, respectively. But with that reality TV exposure comes a peek into their personal lives, and we're here to tell you: Most of the ladies haven't done so well in that department.

In fact, in many cases, the men behind the women are bigger morons than their indulgent, excessive, dramatic wives. We've rounded up some of the worst offenders and ranked them from creepy to creepiest.

(And just think: This doesn't even count the new men that will emerge with the upcoming Beverly Hills and Miami editions! It is sure to be an embarrassment of riches ... if by riches, you mean asshats.)

Simon van Kempen, The Real Housewives of New York City: If we've said it once, we've said it a thousand times: "What the hell is Simon wearing?" To be honest, we are surprised that Mr. Alex McCord has not been run out of any and all NYC fashion events, what with his penchant for tight red patent-leather pants, bizarre metallic military jackets and general over-the-top dressing habits.

However, there's also something endearing about this goofball, which is why he ranks as the least-offensive of our husbands.

Count Alexandre de Lesseps, The Real Housewives of New York City: Say what you will about snobby NYC housewife LuAnn de Lesseps, but I think we can all agree that she's a beauty. And if her now-ex-husband weren't a rich count, we doubt the aging coot would have ever scored anyone as hot as her. Did we mention she was his fourth wife?

Once he got tired of LuAnn, he cheated on her with a much-younger Ethiopian princess and informed his wife about it over email, ending their 16-year marriage as well as his short run on The Real Housewives.

Frank Curtin, The Real Housewives of O.C.: Lynne was one of the most boring and useless housewives to date. And sadly for her, the most exciting thing that happened in her storyline came courtesy of her lying husband, Frank.

Unbeknownst to Lynne and her daughters (at least, according to Bravo's storytelling), Frank defaulted on a $10,000 security deposit on their ritzy Laguna Beach apartment. The teen daughters were served with the official eviction notice on camera, and soon after, their parents were fighting about the situation during an afternoon stroll in the park. Meanwhile, Lynne and her daughter enjoyed a mother/daughter plastic surgery trip the month before.

Sounds like someone needs some private (and free!) tutoring from Suze Orman.

Slade Smiley, The Real Housewives of O.C.

Slade hasn't been married to any cast members. Instead, he seems to be a serial stalker of the O.C. ladies, which is probably the saddest for his current squeeze, Gretchen Rossi. He was the boyfriend of original O.C. cast member Jo De La Rosa, then briefly dated another ex-Wife, , Lauri Waring, and we all thought he was a sleazebag then. So when he reemerged dating new Housewife Gretchen, it became clear that he was an older, sadder version of the fame-whoring Spencer Pratt.

In "real life," he owes nearly $85,000 in child support for his young son, who suffers from a rare form of brain cancer. Some reports say he funneled his earnings from season five of Real Housewives through Gretchen so he could avoid the mandatory deductions. What a catch, Gretchen! Nice work.

Joe Giudice, The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Sure, Joe has a few redeeming qualities: He's pretty generous with his money -- when he has it -- and he seems to truly love his wife, Teresa. But in general, he's overwhelmingly gruff, disheveled, a chauvinist, void of any manners and spends more time wearing a wifebeater than the guys on Jersey Shore.

But the icing on the cake is that Joe also allegedly hid all of their money problems from his wife before filing for bankruptcy last year. He also just spend more than a week in jail on a DUI charge. As LuAnn would say, "Money can't buy you class." But even if it could, he'd probably get it repossessed.

Simon Barney, The Real Housewives of O.C.: Simon didn't always come off as a jerk. Back in the day, he seemed harmless enough, and we even agreed with him that Tamra's adult son needed to get a job when he moved back in with them.

But then Simon changed jobs and started hanging around the house a lot more, and that's when we saw more of his agitated, controlling side come out. As their money problems escalated, Simon often insulted his wife through backhanded compliments. While Tamra stood up to him on camera, she also appeared to be genuinely, increasingly afraid of him in later seasons. They've since filed for divorce and reports claim physical and verbal abuse were common during their 11-year marriage. Tamra recently filed for an emergency EPO after Simon allegedly threw a retractable dog leash at her head. We say, good riddance!

Now, let's just hope she can get that tattoo of his name removed from her ring finger.

Tareq Salahi, The Real Housewives of D.C.: Here are some of the things we know about Michaele's husband: He owns a winery; his own mother has sued him; he has security detail at his place, in the middle of nowhere, for no apparent reason; he and his wife snuck into numerous high-profile, private events without an invitation.

This guy is as slimy as they come, and after watching him in action, we are convinced that 90 percent of what he says is an outright lie. The others have their issues, but this guy is by far the shadiest because he seems to believe his own tall tales. That seals him the No. 1 spot on this list.

Where is Jack Bauer when you need him?