Keeping Score: Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion

It takes a special kind of jackassery to make Danielle Staub look like the sane Real Housewife of New Jersey. But within the first 12 minutes of the reunion show Monday night, Teresa Giudice pulled out all the stops, creating a scene that more fit for Bad Girls Club than the supposedly-dignified and upper class Real Housewives.

When Danielle dared mention Teresa's family, Teresa sprang up from the couch and got in Danielle's face, unleashing a string of obscenities that would make Jerry Springer blush. Host Andy Cohen tried to stop the episode, only to get thrown aside like a rag doll.

(But to be fair, bankrupt Teresa's probably got some pent-up frustration, having not been able to spend money freely without the media up in her business about every penny.)

When a reunion gets off to this kind of start, we can't help but keep score. After a harrowing season of Character Countdowns, we reset all the ladies' numbers to even playing ground ... and we also added Cohen because, hey, he's right there in the trenches.

Everyone starts with 50 points, and we'll go from there. Part two of the reunion airs Sept. 6.

3, 2, 1...

Annie Wersching TERESA (50)

-- Says she doesn't like Jersey Shore because one of the girls was promiscuous, and she "wasn't raised that way" (+3)

-- She segues into talking about Danielle's sex life, putting the ex-stripper on blast for sleeping with a family friend loud enough for all the kids to hear. It's bad enough the children had to hear it. We do not want to imagine Danielle doing U-turns in the sheets, Teresa (-2)

-- Danielle mentions Teresa's family and Teresa LOSES HER EVER-LOVIN' MIND. She jumps up, leans over Danielle and roars so loud, it looked like one of those old Memorex commercials. Oh right. So she was raised this way. That's way better than being a slut (-7)

-- Within seconds, she drops so many swears we had to rewind it twice to count them. We're still not sure we got them all, but here's what we were able to make out: 15 f***s, 2 sh*ts and 8 bitches. There may also have been a c-word or two. There was more bleeping than a test of the Emergency Broadcast System (-12)

-- Andy tries to pull her away from Danielle; she throws him off of her like she's in a cage-fighting match. Where are Andy's bodyguards? (-5)

-- After several people finally calm her down, she returns to her perch on the couch, but is out of breath after her Tasmanian Devil tirade (-2)

-- Does not look happy during the video montage of all her excessive spending (-2)

-- Says Joe didn't tell her about their financial troubles. It's so heartwarming to see a marriage with open and honest communication (-5)

-- Answers Andy's financial questions vaguely, and plays totally dumb about the auction of items from her home even though it's been all over the news. Denial, anyone? (-4)

Net gain/loss: -36

Current total: 14

Annie Wersching DANIELLE

-- Allegedly tried to have Dina's daughter taken away, which is why everyone hates her (-5)

-- Walks off stage quietly as Teresa behaves like a rabid beast. Danielle should have run, actually, but in her defense, she was wearing skyscraper stilettos (+6)

-- Admits she's a rabblerouser, which may be the first and only transgression she'll cop to (+2)

-- Is accused of sleeping with Greasy Danny and breaking up his marriage. Gross (-3)

-- In a rare moment of empathy, tells someone to get Caroline a tissue when she's crying over some video of her son (+2)

-- Says her kids don't watch the show and don't really know what happens on it. Riiiiight (-5)

-- Jacqueline says Danielle's children cry in the office at school every day. We have no idea how she knows this, but we totally believe it (-10)

-- Danielle denies saying things right after she says them. She's either smoked waaaay too much pot in her day, or is a complete sociopath (-4)

-- Avoids many pointed questions from Caroline and Andy by simply turning her head in silence. I guess this is her way of pleading the 5th? (-3)

-- Blames her sketchy reputation on Bravo's editing. Lady, please. You did those things on camera or they wouldn't have been on the show. Own who you are or go home(-5)

Net gain/loss: -25

Current total: 25

Annie Wersching CAROLINE (58)

-- Looks fabulous, tells Andy she's lost 25 pounds through portion control (+5)

-- When Teresa goes nuts, Caroline tries her best to diffuse the situation (+2)

-- Unfortunately, it's like trying to put out an electrical fire with a water hose (-3)

-- Tells Teresa she doesn't recognize her when she acts like this: "If you were this person, I wouldn't be your friend." (+3)

-- Cries when she sees footage of son Albie struggling with school, and has nothing with which to sop up her tears (-2)

-- However, her makeup somehow remains intact (+3)

-- Although she sometimes comes off holier-than-thou, remains mostly dignified through the show (+2)

-- Says video editing can't be blamed for anything; that she owns up to all her behavior, good and bad (+1)

-- Challenges Danielle on several things, but Danielle is more slippery than a piglet in grease (-3)

Net gain/loss: +8

Current total: 58

Annie Wersching JACQUELINE (50)

-- When Teresa flips, Jacqueline just sits and laughs. What a great friend! (-3)

-- Reveals that Danielle's children cry at school every day to try and prove they're damaged because of Danielle. Instead, it makes us feel more sorry for D's kids because now everyone knows they're screwed up on the inside. Nice work, Jax! (-5)

-- As Teresa struggles to answer several pertinent questions regarding finances, her husband's DUI and the like, Jacqueline interrupts and takes over the answers. Um, we want to hear from Teresa. You'll get your little segment next week, Jacqueline. Shut up! (-3)

-- On the other hand, she sticks up for Teresa, so we know she means well (+2)

Net gain/loss:-9

Current total: 41

ANDY COHEN (40)

-- Four minutes into the show, is already reigning in personal attacks that have gone off-topic and way too far (-1)

-- Actually succeeds in changing subject, which is no small feat because these ladies can beat a dead horse like nobody's business (+3)

-- Tries to wrangle Teresa during her explosion, gets tossed back into his chair like a limp rag (-5)

-- We just noticed he has this crappy, pinter little chair while the Housewives are all perched on plush, cushy couches. Why is Bravo dissin' my man like that? (-4)

-- While they wait for Danielle to return to the set, he banters politely with Teresa. He seems a little nervous now, and we can't say we blame him (-2)

-- Calls Danielle out on oversharing with her children (+4)

-- Asks Teresa questions we all want answers to, but can't squeeze much out of her without Jacqueline hijacking the answers (-2)

-- Unless we missed it, does not have the alcoholic beverages he usually has on the after-shows on the day he needs it most. We hope he sucked one down during a bathroom break (-3)

Net gain/loss: -10

Current total: 40

CURRENT REUNION TOTALS:

Caroline -- 58

Jacqueline -- 41

Andy -- 40

Danielle -- 25

Teresa -- 14