Letters to Juliet: The Newspaper Advice Column

The upcoming film Letters to Juliet suggests that lovelorn folks all around the world send notes to Shakespeare's fictional heroine, seeking her advice and counsel. This is apparently a real thing that people really do, mailing or delivering letters to Verona (Juliet's hometown) and receiving replies from "Juliet's secretaries," who are volunteers with, I guess, a lot of time on their hands.

A number of questions come to mind. Why would you seek romantic advice from 1) a fictional character who 2) is best known for killing herself over her boyfriend and 3) even if she existed would only speak Italian? (Most of the letters Juliet gets are from American girls.) What makes Juliet an expert in matters of the heart? And what good would it do to get a reply from some Italian lady writing on behalf of a fictional Goth girl anyway?

If I were a lovelorn teenage girl, I would write to Bella Swan. There's a girl who knows how to hold on to her man!

Anyway, let's pretend that Juliet Capulet writes an advice column, and that these are the letters she gets from readers, accompanied by her replies, OK?


Dear Juliet,

My boyfriend thought I was dead, so he drank some poison and died. But I wasn't dead, I was only sleeping! I totally had a hangover. When I woke up, there he was, all dead next to me. What should I do??

-- Heartbroken in Hartford

Dear Heartbroken,

Take a dagger and plunge it in thy breast.


'Tis only then shalt thou and thine have rest.

xoxo,


Juliet


Dear Juliet,

I am 13 years old. I like this boy at school who is a little older than me, and whose family my family doesn't like, on account of a long time ago they stole our land, or something. Whatevs. My mom and dad don't want me to date him, but I looooooove him!!!!! We are thinking of running away together. What do you think?

-- Eloping in England

Dear Eloping,

Hast thy beloved an occupation of employment? Hast thou money with which to purchase food and lodging? Nay, it mattereth not! For thy love shall give thee sustenance, and thy kisses shall put a roof over thy head.

xoxo,


Juliet


Dear Juliet,

The guy at the drug store gave me this potion that he said will, like, make me seem dead for a couple days, and I was thinking I should take it during finals because I'm so not prepared for my trig exam. Do you see any possible downside to this plan?

-- Freebasing in Florence

Dear Freebasing,

I do not.

xoxo,


Juliet


Dear Juliet,

My boyfriend likes to climb up to the balcony outside my bedroom and whisper sweet nothings to me when my parents think I'm asleep. The problem is that I think my nurse is starting to catch on. How can I be sure she won't narc on me?

-- Secretive in Sicily

Dear Secretive,

If she be thy nurse, then she is beholden to keep thy secrets, like unto a slave. Threaten her with grave consequences if thy secrets she tell, and pay no heed to thy friends who ask why thou still hast a nurse when thou art a teenager.

xoxo,


Juliet


Dear Juliet,

My husband and I killed our king, and now I can't seem to get these bloodstains off my hands! Help!

-- Murderess in Milan

Dear Murderess,

Clearly thou has erred. This query should have gone to the newspaper column "Hints from Lady Macbeth."

xoxo,


Juliet


VMAs 2017