Sex and the City 2 opens next weekend, and if it lives up to the popularity of the first film in the franchise, there's a good chance you may not be able to score tickets on opening weekend. But getting shut out of the theater doesn't necessarily mean you should miss out on talking about it with your friends. Here's a handy breakdown of all 144 minutes of Sex and the City 2 to help you keep up with the conversation. (Note: This breakdown has been calculated through careful review of the trailers, stills, and gossip and NOT from having actually seen the film).
Minutes 0-4: Opening credits roll over a dazzling montage of shots of the New York City skyline, women dressed in expensive fashions, and exterior shots of designer stores that paid a pretty penny to be featured in the film. Carrie waxes poetic about love and friendship in voice-over, but we're impatient to see her first outfit.
4-5: Carrie appears on a sidewalk in the most fabulous/ridiculous outfit we'll see her in for the duration of the film. An enormous flower will somehow be involved, as will shoes no one could ever actually walk a full city block in. She will be joined one at a time by Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte, as Carrie's VO reminds us who they are/what stereotype they represent.
5-5.25: The ladies will stop and gawk at something very expensive in a store window. Samantha will make a pun.
5.25-6: The ladies enter the store. As they shop, they will begin to discuss their sex lives with zero concern about being overheard.
6-9: Flash to Carrie and Big's apartment. The fabulously attired couple is about to leave for a high society cocktail party when their flirty banter leads them to decide to stay home and fool around instead. Carrie marvels in VO about their amazing ability to keep the heat in their relationship alive after all these years. But a trivial remark from Big kills the moment and sends Carrie into a tailspin.
9-11: Flash back to the store. Carrie wants to know if her friends think her marriage is doomed. Samantha still doesn't get why she got married in the first place. Charlotte assures her everything will be fine as long as she starts paying better attention to the "how to please your man" articles in Cosmo. Miranda's feminist sensibilities are offended by Charlotte's advice, and she snaps that Carrie is making a big deal out of nothing.
11-12: Flash to Miranda and Steve's house in Brooklyn. Young Brady has been put to sleep, and the couple is excited for a few minutes of alone time. But an insensitive remark from Miranda kills the moment and sends Steve into a tailspin.
12-14: Flash to the trendy eatery where the ladies are now lunching. Miranda wants reassurance from her friends that Steve is just overreacting to the incredibly cruel thing she said to him. Carrie and Charlotte become instantly engrossed in their menus. Samantha, who can't take another second of talking about married people's problems, shares an outrageous story about her latest sexual conquest.
14-15: Following Samantha's airbrushed nude scene, we flash back to the restaurant, where her graphic description of what went down has ruined everyone else's appetite.
15-16: Later that day in the York/Goldenblatt household, Harry is sweetly reveling in the adorableness of his daughters. Charlotte, realizing she has no interesting problems left to explore now that she's finally had a baby, prays she will be given more to do in this movie than pooping her pants again.
16-20: Tensions rise between both Carrie/Big and Miranda/Steve at home that night. Both women are fed up with marriage and jump at the chance to run away from their problems when Samantha calls and suggests a girls-only getaway.
20-25: Carrie prepares for her trip by shopping for luggage with Stanford, who provides the gay perspective on her latest problems with Big.
25-25.25: The ladies arrive in Abu Dhabi dressed in costumes that are both culturally insensitive and impractical for travel.
25.25-25.5: Samantha spots a young, mostly naked stud glistening in the hotel pool. Her eyes widen as much as the Botox will allow.
25.5-26.5: Charlotte makes a shockingly politically incorrect remark about the people of Abu Dhabi.
26.5-30: Miranda scolds Charlotte for reminding them how overprivileged and out of touch with the rest of the world they all are.
30-30.5: Carrie spots her ex, Aiden, and promptly ditches her friends for the next hour of the movie.
30.5-120: Carrie spends her whole vacation reconnecting with Aiden, despite the fact that a) they are both married to other people, b) Aiden has a child, and c) last time we saw Aiden it seemed pretty clear he was never going to forgive Carrie for breaking his heart twice. Meanwhile, Samantha pursues the pool boy and she, Miranda, and Charlotte hang out with Penelope Cruz and Liza Minelli.
120-122: Charlotte catches Carrie and Aiden in an almost kiss and confronts Carrie with the big brown eyes of disapproval.
122-125: Carrie gets her mind off the temptation of Aiden by joining her friends on a camel ride.
125-130: The audience begins to feel weird about being so invested in these women's sex lives when Carrie and Samantha begin cracking menopause jokes.
130-133: Carrie tells Aiden that she can't see him anymore. It is unclear whether she's doing this out of love for her husband or because she just can't take anymore disapproving looks from Charlotte.
133-136: Carrie returns home to find Big has bought her an expensive new pair of shoes. All is forgiven!
136-137: Miranda tells Steve she missed him and Brady on vacation. More forgiveness!
137-138: Charlotte returns home and realizes that, after dealing with her friends' emotional immaturity on the trip, she loves her stable, boring life.
138-139: Still stung by Carrie's menopause joke, Samantha realizes she won't be able to seduce pool boys forever and decides to reunite with Smith. He's not as forgiving as Steve and Big.
139-143: Carrie's VO summarizes the lessons she and her friends learned over a montage of recycled footage from the beginning of the movie. The ladies hit the sidewalk, and we can rest assured they will live to shop another day.