Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Live Diary -- 2009

9:59pm: If you've tuned in for The Good Wife you're out of luck, tonight is all about the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, AKA the one hour per year CBS lets it all hang out!

10:00pm: Just to set the groundrules here, in no way was the above statement a double entendre. I was merely pointing out that CBS is generally the network of Andy Rooney and various CSI shows. So this is a different "look" for them. That's all I'm saying.

10:01pm: Is this truly the biggest fashion event on Earth? What about fashion week? Or the Project Runway finale? Or really anything to do with Tyra, and TyraMail?

10:01pm: Victoria's Secret searched America, burning through 10,000 of our precious women, all in an effort to find just:

one.

more.

Angel.

I know what you're thinking. Is that even a big enough sampling to find an Angel? Couldn't they line up a million or so girls, just to find the one special lady that can wear giant wings and heels while being serenaded by Fergie? It's a fair point. But we've got to assume these VS folks know what they're doing. We got to put our trust, ney, our faith that 10,000 girls was enough to add one more precious Angel to our dwindling Angel stockpile. Godspeed, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, Godspeed.

10:02pm: Ten gals went to "Angel Boot Camp" which is just like regular boot camp, only with more Lycra.

10:02pm: I have a feeling we're to be tortured by the Black Eyed Peas tonight. Luckily for y'all I am very 3008.

10:03pm: Putting Fergie next to an Angel seems unfair. I'll leave it at that.

10:04pm: Who was the entrepreneurial pioneer who figured out that hip-hop and ladies strutting around scantily clad was a natural match? And can we put him in charge of the economy?

10:05pm: They are opening the doors of "fashion heaven" to just one more Angel. They clearly watched American Idol between last year's show and this one.

10:08pm: What I've learned about being an Angel: It takes confidence... and you have to know how to walk. Shoot for the stars!

10:09pm: One of the would-be Angels opines that becoming an Angel is the "biggest thing you could do." So you're just going to rule out that career in astrophysics, then? Fair enough.

10:13pm: I love how high pressure they make the whole event seem. Even though it's not recorded live. And you can't possibly "mess up." Still, I agree, people should be yelling at hapless models as often as possible.

10:14pm: Smooth transition of runway songs from Kings of Leon to The Police. Reeeeeeemix! Meanwhile, in the background, folks are throwing fake luggage around. It's like the sinking of The Titanic, only with less hoopla.

10:17pm: Wasn't the Fashion Show pretty good before? Did we need to add in a reality competition?

10:18pm: The photographer in charge of shooting Jamie Lee mentions she's packing "Extremely large breasts." Well then. Don't hold back on our account, fella. I hope Andy Rooney is in bed for the night.

10:19pm: They are already cutting five of the candidates for Angelhood. Just like that, they are out on the cold, cold streets. But I'm sure the five to ten seconds of screen-time they each got will be enough to launch a lucrative career!

Of one of them mentions "This isn't the last you'll see of me." She might be right, but we'll never know, because I never quite caught her name in the first place.

10:20pm: What do you even get for being an Angel? It had better be a zillion dollars.

Candice Swanepoel10:26pm: So far my favorite Angel is Candice Swanepoel (pictured left, click for larger version). It just seems like we have a lot in common. For instance, we both favor the "one bare leg" look.

10:27pm: The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is the king of mixed messages. What are we to infer a peace sign on an Angel means? Or "love" strewn across the bottom? Perhaps the goal is a nice, gentle stupor?

10:29pm: They ask the potential Angels what they don't like about their bodies, so that as a group we can all feel extremely bad about our own bodies. I think I weigh as much as three Angels combined, even with the 20lbs of wings attached.

10:30pm: Attention CBS producers: more runway, less reality show!!

10:31pm: We're going from five girls to two. You might recall the previous elimination was a mere twelve minutes ago. Since then, we've seen the five work out, evidently to tone the buttocks area.

However, we can't know when this was filmed, or how people were eliminated, or what any of this possibly means. I'm starting to think this is an extended metaphor for the Chaos Theory, and at the end CBS is going to reveal that we were part of a control group to study human attachment. Can you form an attachment with an "Angel" whom you don't know the name of, have never seen before, and don't know anything about? What about if we tell you one of them has "large breasts?" Are you loving them now? Then they'll look at their clipboard and nod approvingly. Eventually we'll be allowed to visit our family again, provided we buy the new Fergie album.

10:32pm: One of the castaways starts crying and says "It's just hard to say goodbye to everybody." Why? Where are you? How long have you guys been together? Blink twice if you're a hostage and need help!

10:33pm: Victoria's Secret Fashion ShowThings I like about the model on the right:

1) She's wearing a net. That way I don't have to bring my own.

2) The pink bird over her shoulder indicates to me that nature's animals love her. She's like Snow White in that respect.

10:34pm: Attention CBS producers: more runway, less Fergie!!

10:42pm: We get to vote for either Kylie or Jamie Lee. I'm going to abstain because I don't feel like the 30 minutes was enough time to get a feel for either of them. And I don't want to make the wrong choice. There are global implications.

10:44pm: Angel Alessandra seems great. She teaches the girls how to walk. Crazy generous, right? One of the girls promises to rock it "even harder" than Alessandra. As if that's even POSSIBLE.

10:45pm: If aliens come down right now we're all going to have a LOT of questions to answer due to this evening.

10:46pm: For their final test, Jamie Lee and Kylie will have to wrestle a live grizzly bear to determine who is more fit to be an Angel. What a stunning turn of events!

10:47pm: Heidi Klum just had a baby but she's still owning the runway. That's how you do it kids, you get on that runway no matter what. She's a beacon of hope.

10:48pm: Miranda KerrOK, confession time. My heart has always belonged to Miranda Kerr (pictured left). And it always will. Miranda, I'm sorry I mentioned all those other girls, even if it was only in passing. You know it's always been you, boo. Please accept these wings as a token of my eternal affection. Yours, Laremy

10:50pm: That's right, I'm just a boy. Standing in front of Miranda Kerr. Asking her to love him.

10:51pm: Hmmm, evidently she's dating Orlando Bloom. You know, the guy from the Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean trilogies? As those only made around five billion dollars I'm thinking I'm not totally out of the running just yet. After all, we both have first names that sound like cities.

10:53pm: Kylie won! Does that mean we'll see her again next year, too? And what will become of Jamie Lee?? Ugh, I hate cliffhangers. I just want everyone to rock the lingerie to the fullest of their given ability!

10:56pm: Kylie makes her ten second walk. Absolutely amazing. Then they throw Miranda out again, just to taunt me.

10:57pm: C'mon, can't we let Jamie Lee walk anyway? She's come so far in this last hour.

10:59pm: That's all I've got for now, another satisfying year on the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show front. Good times were had by all. Congrats to Kylie. Jamie Lee, don't let 'em keep you down. Your walk will only get stronger with practice. Trust me.