Balloon Boy Family Goes Hollywood

Right now, America hates Richard Heene for making us fear for the life of his 6-year-old son even as he was secretly dreaming of reality show notoriety. But as the entire lives of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt prove, as long as people already know your name there is no sin so great, no character flaw so gross, that there won't be some producer eager to build a show around you.

I fully expect that the Heenes will wind up with a series some day, and that people will watch it even while denouncing the whole spectacle. What type of show might be best suited for the particular skill set of this family? We're glad you asked.

Storm Chasers: This one is obvious, given what Richard Heene does for a living. He's now the most famous storm chaser in America, so it stands to reason that the producers of this Discovery Channel series might want to give him a call. But now that Heene has hit the big time, driving around looking at tornado damage has probably lost some of its allure. There's a perfect solution: the real life storm chasers can moonlight as a boy band, also to be called the Storm Chasers. This will permit Heene to put both his scientific acumen and his showbiz savvy to good use. To promote the cause of weather awareness, the boy band will sing only cover versions of songs that refer to atmospheric conditions: "Stormy Weather," "I Wish it Would Rain," "Here Comes the Sun," "Like a Hurricane," and of course, "Hail to the Chief."

Celebrity Rehab: This idea would involve Richard Heene only, since he seems to be the family member who is most addicted. Heene suffers from the fastest-growing and most damaging addiction in America today: the thirst for fame -- any kind of fame at any cost. Who better to set Heene's head straight than Dr. Drew Pinsky, who brings a career's worth of experience in dealing with media whores to crisis situations like this one? Of course, putting Heene on television again would make him even more famous, and thus perhaps worsen the addiction instead of curing it. No one ever said psychology was an exact science.

Kid Swap: We've already had Wife Swap, so why not extend the franchise to other family members? As the most famous Wife Swap alumni in history, the Heene boys will naturally be the perfect tykes to kick off this series, which will differ from its predecessor in that it will only involve families who are already famous. In the premiere, the three Heenes will swap out with the children of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, however many there are by the time you read this.

Reality Show Boot Camp: How did the Heenes get into this fix in the first place? They wanted a reality show, but didn't have the faintest idea how to make that happen other than simply pitching ideas to producers. There has to be a better way. Enter Reality Show Boot Camp, a reality show for people who aspire to be on reality shows. To be hosted by Richard Heene with assistance from his photogenic clan, the series will put contestants through an obstacle course in order to prepare them for reality infamy. The grand prize is the job of hosting the next season of Reality Show Boot Camp, and maybe a future Celebrity Apprentice slot.

My Three Sons: Rebooting of old series seems to be all the rage these days. Why not go back 50 years to the early days of the tube, and revive this old sitcom? This will not be a strict remake of the Fred McMurray series, of course. Times have changed and we're not quite so innocent. Whereas in the past, a typical My Three Sons plot might have concerned Steve Douglas becoming mildly perturbed when son Robbie came home from the sock hop five minutes late, the new version could have scenarios such as the irrepressible Falcon trampolining into NORAD headquarters, thus nearly touching off World War III.

Jon & Kate Plus ... 11? What if the worst case scenario comes to pass, and both Richard and Mayumi Heene either wind up doing time for their chicanery, or lose custody of their three boys, even if only temporarily? Preferably, the trio would be able to find a new home within an established family that is used to high energy boys running about. It would also be ideal if the new family had some experience in dealing with the presence of cameras. There can of course be only one choice here: the Gosselins of Pennsylvania!