Pretty? Not really. Nice? Never. Hot? Not. Talented? At nothing -- nothing, that is, except being Paris Hilton. She's America's non-sweetheart, famous for having no right to be.
In a nation captivated by empty celebs, she makes Britney Spears look like the quintessence of gravitas. Like Bill Gates, she's a riches-to-more-riches story, a fabulous fable of self-invention. We love her because she lives out a fantasy of shameless success. It's not just that she's capable of spending $100 a minute while shopping, it's that she can do it without guilt and without thinking. And she acts like she's entitled to everything she gets, and more (except for justice in DUI court). She's like Miss Piggy, only skinnier.
Now that her reality show Paris Hilton's My New BFF is conquering the entire planet, it's high time we showered her with the one thing she's never had in her life: a Film.com Fever Chart, which documents the lifetime highs and lows of our favorite celebrities. If you think we've left out any highs (or lows), sound off loud in the comments section below!
Paris is born with a silver spoon the size of Texas, thanks to great-grandpa Conrad, who parlayed a flophouse into a hotel empire, bought himself showbiz friends (like wife Zsa Zsa Gabor), and left Paris words to live by: "Glamour ... is expensive." Temperature: 100 degrees
At age 9, dances on tabletops. Never sees any reason to stop. Temperature: 101 degrees
Right out of high school, makes it as a model for Trump and Tommy Hilfiger (and makes it with Tommy Hilfiger's model, Jason Shaw, and Leo DiCaprio, the tabs claim). On the catwalk, she's dumb as a cat: "I don't really think, I just walk." Temperature: 110 degrees
At 18, behaves brattily and tells Vanity Fair, "People think I'm just this party girl. Well, I'm not like that. Tell 'em I'm a normal kid." Sadly, in her circle, she is normal. Laments, " It was really hurtful. That was the beginning of it all, of everyone trying to be mean." But it jump-started her career. Temperature: 120 degrees
At 19, parties at Sundance Film Festival with Forrest Whitaker and Patrick Swayze. Gets busted cutting in line for the bathroom, and screams, "I'm just here to look at myself!" Temperature: 104 degrees
Plays her own dim self in Zoolander. Proclaims her greatness: "There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I'm that icon." Temperature: 121 degrees
Perfectly timed to boost her first reality show, The Simple Life, her sex tape with Rick Salomon hits VHS and the internet. Paris sues for $30 million -- coincidentally, the same sum as her estimated inheritance. Temperature: 220 degrees
President Bush goes on TV after apparent Iraq triumph and demands death penalty for Saddam. Paris goes on TV in a miniskirt and gives out smooches (no videos) at a small-town fair kissing booth. Even though Bush's popularity is sky-high and Paris's is low, more people watch Paris. Temperature: 240 degrees
Inadvertent porn-star fame inspires a backlash. South Park razzes Paris with the Stupid Spoiled Whore Store. Paris confirms negative impressions by not knowing what Wal-Mart is. "Is it, like, they sell wall stuff?" Temperature: 109 degrees
Publishes an autobiography, Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose, spilling the secret of her success: "Smile all the time and say as little as possible." And wear as little as possible. Temperature: 103 degrees
Earns $7 million in one year. Patents her favorite saying, "That's hot." Temperature: 120 degrees
Hires pet psychic to find Tinkerbell, her lost Chihuahua. Loses friend Nicole Richie. Refuses to hire psychic to find what went wrong. "Nicole knows what she did, and that's all I'm ever going to say about it." Paris gets voted the world's worst dog owner by readers of Hollywood Dog magazine.
Temperature: 109 degrees
Parties for one week straight with Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. Gets shut out of Vanity Fair's Oscar party even after posing topless for them. Archrivals Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton get right in. VF editor Graydon Carter says, "Paris who?
Temperature: 88 degrees
Drives $500,000 Mercedes Benz SLR McLaren in a boozy fashion, blows over the legal limit. Temperature: 44 degrees
Promises a grateful nation, "I'm not having sex for a year ... I'll kiss, but nothing else." Who wants her, anyway? Temperature: 33 degrees
Goes to jail. Makes an incredible whining, sniveling fool of herself, begging authorities and her mommy for special treatment. Temperature: 22 degrees
Gets out of jail. Goes on Letterman, demanding the right to stop talking about her interesting jail stint so she can talk about her uninteresting movie, sparkling wine, cellphone videogame, shoes, jewelry, perfume, and clothing. Refuses to concentrate on any one aspect of her multi-tentacled self-marketing effort: "I do everything well." Makes a fool of herself, but also makes money.
Temperature: 89 degrees
Tells Barbara Walters she's all grown up and full of God's wisdom. "I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute." Image rehabilitation kind of works. Temperature: 99 degrees
Gets smart for a change: When McCain compares Obama to Paris Hilton, Paris does a comedy video interview with TV President Martin Sheen on Funny or Die, launching her own faux campaign and wooing Democratic voters by talking about FoPo (foreign policy). Temperature: 110 degrees
Gets dumped by Benji Madden, then faces embarrassment at Christina Aguilera's birthday party, to which Benji and Nicole Richie were invited -- and Paris was not. Temperature: 99 degrees
Wins three Razzie Awards for godawful film performances in a single year, and makes herself sound dumb by replying, "I don't eat that" when asked about swine flu. Tells a British newspaper, "Many people think that I am a spoiled airhead. But I am a lot more serious and shy." Temperature: 89 degrees
When Kathy Griffin makes an oral-sex joke, Paris says, "I never do that. My mom always taught me only ugly girls need to go down on their knees and do things like that." Gossip Ted Casablanca asks, "Does P.H. have short-term memory loss?" Temperature: 87 degrees
Despite all the dissing and hissing, Paris's New Best Friend TV empire grows to encompass Dubai in the United Arab Emirates. Arabian Business magazine opines, " With friends like Paris Hilton, Dubai doesn't need enemies." But hey, people are watching! Temperature: 120 degrees
Got Fever Chart fever? Read more: Pamela Anderson: Fever Chart!, Jessica Biel: Fever Chart!, Scarlett Johansson: Fever Chart!, Drew Barrymore: Fever Chart!, Britney Spears: Fever Chart!, Oprah Winfrey: Fever Chart!, Miley Cyrus: Fever Chart!, Reese Witherspoon: Fever Chart!, Lauren Conrad: Fever Chart!, and Denise Richards: Fever Chart!.