Tawdry or tasteful, a sexy nude scene by nature titillates, or at least doesn't make you regurgitate your Raisinets. Or to put it more mathematically: Sexy people naked + doing sexy things = sexy nude scene. If any part of the equation is missing, watch out (or cover your eyes).
Yet, many a nude scene has been made that intentionally or not, lands so far on the opposite end of the spectrum from sexy that our offended eyes never want to see another naked body again.
So as a cautionary tally we hope some filmmakers will heed, we've rounded up some of the most indecent, (non-pornographic) cinematic exposures.
Exposure: The troops get down with O.P.P. for Christmas.
A pumped Jake Gyllenhaal + thong + Santa hat + nothing else = surprisingly not that hot. When stupidity is in the scene, sexy isn't.
Exposure: Felicity Shagwell discovers the disgustingly dirty work of being a spy.
Fake fat suit or real flesh, Fat Bastard in his hairy, blubbery birthday suit is scarring. (It was months before I could eat chicken in bed again).
Exposure: Testicle torture in the buff.
Female fans will seize any opportunity to drool over Daniel Craig's rock-hard bod but certain situations (Le Chiffre flogging Bond's crown jewels) are too excruciating to enjoy no matter how perfect the pecks.
Exposure: You scrub my back and I'll scrub...
Is it Shmitz's drab, utilitarian apartment? Her vigorous, systematic scrubbing? A matter of untamed overgrowth? Somehow the first-time, full-frontal bathtub foreplay between the 15-year-old boy and 30-year old woman isn't as seductive as you'd expect.
Exposure: Armed thugs vs. naked Nikolai, a soggy towel, a slippery floor and his fists.
OW. OW. And OW again. Add bathhouse to the list of worst places to have an impromptu mob throwdown.
Exposure: Bathing beauty gone bad, really bad...
Perhaps the scariest thing Jack ever encountered in Room 237 -- a hottie turned hag before his eyes. (Exactly what I imagine might happen if Madonna's cosmetic enhancements abruptly vanished and nature resumed its course.)
Exposure: Streaking the night away.
Too much self-love can be a bad thing. As in Will Ferrell's love of his flabby, pasty bare buttocks and exposing them on screen in silly man-boy romps.
Exposure: Everything you didn't want to know about Harvey Keitel's anatomy, again.
Seconded only by his similar overexposure in The Piano, and nearly every other movie in which filmmakers felt the need to traumatize audiences with extended shots of Harvey's creepy junk.
Exposure: Borat and Azamat wrestling over "Pameela," "au naturel."
Hands down and trousers off arguably the most sickening, psychologically damaging, and furry spectacle of movie nudity ever unleashed. EVER.