You can't make fun of Pamela Anderson -- she beat you to the punch. "My breasts have a career; I'm just tagging along," she observes, as wise as any wisacre-sage trying to put her down. When fate places opportunity in her path (or rather, a pair of opportunities), she makes the most of them. "Opportunity only gives you knockers once," she says. She lies, of course. She's given herself knockers of diverse sizes that swell and subside with her whims. But her fame just keeps getting bigger and bigger, like the stock market on a bubble that just won't burst.
Nothing can stop the twin cannonballs of her career momentum: No talent, bad TV shows, worse movies, the worst imaginable taste in men coupled with an erotic appetite that would've appalled Catherine the Great. Even bad luck seems to feed her career. To mark the start of summer, we celebrate the ultimate summer girl's unsinkability with a Film.com Fever Chart, which documents the lifetime highs and lows of our favorite celebrities. If you think we've left out any highs (or lows), sound off loud in the comments section below!
Years before her birth, her great-grandfather from Finland saves her career by changing his last name from Hyytiäinen to Anderson. Don't tell me Pamela Hyytiäinen would've been a star. In gratitude to her homeland, Pam claims she intends to start a lap-dance emporium there called Lapland. Temperature: 98.6 degrees
A nobody born in the spotlight, Pam, of teeny Ladysmith, British Columbia, wins a prize and press attention for allegedly being the first baby to enter the world on the 100th anniversary of Canada's birth. Talk about a formative experience: The first time she flashes her birthday suit is her first payday. "That's where it all started, " she said (once she'd learned to talk, and talk to reporters). Temperature: 99.6 degrees
Tries to use a red jellybean for lipstick. Discovers sexiness is sweet, and if you're going for sin, do it with scarlet abandon. Temperature: 99.9 degrees
Becomes a big sex player at her high school. Oh, wait, I meant sax player. Temperature: 98.6 degrees
Goes to a football game wearing a Labatt's beer t-shirt. A bored cameraman picks her out of the crowd and displays her on the jumbo screen. The crowd goes crazy. Labatt's hires her as its official Blue Zone Girl. Temperature: 100.6 degrees
Shutterbug Ken Honey hawks Pam photos to Playboy. Pam goes from brunette to blonde, moves to LA, does the first of a dozen Playboy covers (unless there's one I neglected to collect), breaking the world record, plus countless bra straps. Temperature: 101.9 degrees
Pam gets invited to audition for a lifeguard role in Baywatch. Wears a skimpy peekaboo top with no bra. David Hasselhoff watches attentively. Soon, one-fifth of all living humans watch her weekly, in 140 nations. Temperature: 203 degrees
Opinions differ on her 1993 performance as an amnesiac repressing traumatic memories in Snapdragon. "If not for a very young, often nude Pam Anderson, it would be a total waste of time, says one Amazon reviewer; another, named "Tig Ol Biddys (Think about it)," retorts, "Pam gets naked. Nuff said." The public represses all memory of this picture. Temperature: 88 degrees
Fox execs try to cast Pam as Agent Scully in The X-Files, whose producer told me his goal was to equal the ratings of Unsolved Mysteries. He got better ratings by hiring another Anderson, Gillian. Temperature: 96 degrees
Pam, fond of huge boobs, marries Tommy Lee after 96-hour courtship that began when he licked her face. Temperature: 105 degrees
Angry crusaders tear down provocative Pam posters in Norway and London. Bet they took them home when nobody was looking. Pam's retrospective Playboy video hits number one on Billboard's charts. Temperature: 107 degrees
Pam and Tommy Lee's honeymoon sex tape sells well, though they are so untalented they can't convincingly act like they're having sex even when they really are. The tape mortifies them, but re-celebrifies and enriches them too. Temperature: 168.6 degrees
People swear they never saw anything sillier than Pam's movie Barb Wire, then change their minds when they see her TV show VIP. Temperature: 98.6 degrees
Caught partying with future husband Kid Rock (possibly cheating on girlfriend Sheryl Crow) and Eminem (who says rude things about her on records). Fox gossip Roger Friedman raves, "Can you even imagine this? The ultimate meeting of low culture's chief representatives. It's almost like the white trash version of the comic book Justice League of America. Think how much Cheez Whiz and Gallo wine must have been consumed!"
Temperature: 104 degrees
Discovers she's got incurable hepatitis C, she thinks from Tommy Lee. In 2003, she predicts she'll live until 2013, or maybe 2018, "if I'm lucky." Temperature: 0 degrees
Pam participates in the writing of an autobiographical novel, Star; may or may not be guilty of writing lines like "The strange feel of his erection in her hand, flesh like velour wrapped around a bird bone." Temperature: 99 degrees
Beats Jim Carrey as Canada's biggest Hollywood hotshot in Canadian Business magazine's opinion. Jim Carrey's career cools rapidly; Pam proves unsinkable. Temperature: 101 degrees
Borat makes a thwarted (and staged) attempt to kidnap Pam in his hit movie and take her back to Kazakhstan. Temperature: 150 degrees
Rick Salomon, whose chief achievement in life is making and marketing the sex tape One Night in Paris with Ms. Hilton, schemes for years to marry Pam, then gets her in a card game in Vegas and marries her in the brief break between her magic show performances. It lasts longer than Rick's night with Paris, but not much. Pam's mom tells her, "I wish you were gay."
Temperature: 88.6 degrees
Pam strips for Hugh Hefner's 80-somethingth birthday, gives him a lap dance, and a smooch. To compete, one of Hef's girlfriends gives him a mold of her derriere in white chocolate, with "a dark chocolate little thing right in the middle." Bet Hef noticed Pam's sweets instead. Temperature: 120.6 degrees
Pam's reality show Girl on the Loose doesn't fly high. So what? No reality show can contain her! Only reality itself is big enough for those 36 DDs. Temperature: 160 degrees
Chuck Klosterman, the Obi-Wan Kenobi of pop culture, explains why Pam is to our era what Marilyn Monroe was to hers: "Men in the fifties wanted Monroe because she made love to the men they respected; modern men want Anderson because she makes love to the concept of celebrity. " Temperature: 170.6 degrees
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