Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Live Diary

9:55 p.m. - Just got home from seeing Doubt and I'm ready for the fashion show! Yep, I'm going from an Oscar hopeful to giant winged women. All in a day's work.

10:01 - Musical guest Usher for the show? We're so lucky!

10:02 - Short intro to the Angels. Doutzen Kroes looks as though I've surprised her in the elevator. Sorry, were you making odd sexual movements in there all by yourself? Please, by all means, continue.

10:04 - They are launching the girls down the runway like they're space shuttles. "Go! Go! Go!" Ah yes, our first giant golden winged sighting of the evening. I can't believe they've stumbled upon my goofy gift grab idea already.

10:06 - Is Usher married? I hope he is. Otherwise they ought to call this show "audition to go home with Usher on a runway."

10:07 - Paris Hilton is in the house. They are doing this odd slo-mo thing, which is throwing off my mojo. Terrence Howard sighting, fresh from being fired from Iron Man II. Bad news ladies: the two-foot wide metallic belt seems to be back in fashion this month. Y'all better get your workouts in to haul that thing around.

10:10 - Who is Victoria, and what is her secret? That's the question. Call on me, call on me! Victoria is a marketing tool. Her secret is overcharging you for cheap undergarments. Boom! What do I win?

10:12 - Remember way back when I made fun of Victoria's Secret? I'm sorry Boo. I didn't mean that. Sometimes I lash out at the people I love. Let's make up. Bring some giant golden wings. We can work it out.

10:15 - No one does a video montage like the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. They do Rocky IV proud.

10:16 - Jorge Moreno is performing! I love his early stuff. I'm glad they figured the whole "ladies must strut to music" thing out. Without music this would feel a bit like a cattle call. But with drums? Sexy. Just saw John Stamos, which also helps my mood. Full House was the joint.

10:18 - The assistant in the wings just yelled "Get out there, go walk!" to an Angel. Really? It's not self-explanatory what you should be doing at this point? On the other hand he does have a headset which lends instant authority. I need that guy in my office. "You're hungry! Go eat lunch!"

10:20 - Stealing the Kill Bill theme while detailing how the Angels prepare? For shame, Victoria, for shame.

10:25 - They are using The Killers song, but no Killers. That's how you know you've "made it" I suppose. Not having to show up.

10:29 - The Angels give us some practical advice on how to hit on them. Yep, we'll all be using that info in our lifetime, thanks CBS.

Victoria's Secret Giant Scarf10:31 - The giant scarf is back in too! To recap: looking good requires purchasing golden wings and a giant scarf. Women of the world, don't be confused by these orders. Just obey.

10:34 - I don't want to call anyone out here ... but I guarantee you at some point in some production meeting someone said, "Hey, no matter what else happens, let's just make sure we get TONS of ass shots."

10:37 - I refuse to believe that Numb3rs is still on the air.

10:40 - Update: Usher is going to "do" me up and down. He also mentions, "We ain't having sex. We're making moments." Whew. For a minute there I thought we were merely having a bit of the sex.

10:44 - Since I grew up in South Florida I've been to The Fontainebleau Hotel. It's great there, highly recommended. The Breakers in West Palm is nice too. Oh, and the Boca Raton Hotel. Can't forget that one. And thus ends the $350 a night-and-up portion of your live blog.

10:48 - Why is a woman wearing a giant tree? In what culture would that be considered sexy? I mean, perhaps if I was an Ent or something. Then I could see it.

10:51 - That's right. I just made a Lord of the Rings joke. Recognize.

10:53 - I still don't get why they are always rushing the models. Did they not book the location for long enough or something? Is a Sweet 16 birthday party about to take over the room? Quit shouting at these poor women! They're in heels, giant scarves, and wings! What more do you want?

10:56 - "Go! Go! Go! Go! They need this room in 10 minutes to set up the PINATA!!!"

11:01 - It's all over. The Angels came out one last time and then I think there were some fireworks. There's a chance I blacked out for a bit from sensory overload. You know how that goes. Regardless, tomorrow we try to pick up the pieces of what happened here tonight. See you then.