Review: Transporter 3 Doesn't Make Any Sense

"Don't bother unless you're looking for 100 minutes of loud noises."

 

This movie is a shame. Furthermore, it's a damned shame. I hate to be that way towards a guy I really like (Jason Statham) but it's true. He should have passed on this check and used his time to learn another martial arts discipline (Krav Maga maybe?).

All movies require that you suspend your disbelief on some level. You know E.T. doesn't like Reese's Pieces (he likes Krackel) and you realize that Will Smith can't fly an alien space craft. No worries, you're there to be entertained, to be swept away in the moment. But the very premise of Transporter 3 is so mind-bogglingly stupid as to be offensive. This film doesn't want you to check your brain at the door -- it wants you to walk in sporting a full frontal lobotomy. So from here on out we're going to talk about some major spoilers. If you still plan on seeing this after my initial advice, then tune out. Thanks for making it this far.

Now let's spoil this baby. WARNING: SPOILERS

Jason Statham is forced to drive Natalya Rudakova (as the lovely Valentina) around the European countryside at the whims of a "bad guy." As it turns out, she's the daughter of a powerful Ukrainian politician who is cracking down on the big business proclivity for ruining the environment. The bad guys kidnap the daughter so that the politician bends to their will and allows a bunch of toxic waste into the country. That's the plan. Let me present the problems with this premise down, list style:

1. So, okay, if you're a powerful politician ... and someone kidnaps your daughter, forcing you to sign away environmental protections for your country ... this contract is binding? It counts? You can't mention later on that you were coerced? The business people, who don't hide the fact that they've kidnapped your daughter, don't get rounded up and thrown in jail? This is the fundamental reason most legitimate organizations don't engage in kidnapping. Because to collect whatever "ransom" you're seeking requires you to fade away into the shadows. How can they do that if they are conducting business in the Ukraine? If the country's laws are so lax that they allow signatures under duress to count, then wouldn't you surmise that hanging these idiots up by their toenails for a few hours until they gave you your daughter back would be okay too? It's just a giant logic vortex. But it's not even the main problem ...

2. These fools hold a gun to Jason Statham's head to make him drive this Valentina chick around. Sure, fair enough. But in the end it's revealed that the bad guys are driving around in a disguised van with a ton of sophisticated electronic monitoring equipment. Which begs the question: What in sam hell did they need Jason Statham for? It makes no sense to involve the Stath -- he's just going to bring you trouble, right? If you can hack into military computers (and these geniuses can) then you can drug the chick and throw her in the disguised van. I mean, c'mon. Really? Statham has to drive just because he has to drive? Why do you hate us so much, everyone involved with Transporter 3?

The real shame -- the damned shame -- is that Luc Besson, the writer, wrote The Fifth Element and The Big Blue. Those are good stories, movies worth watching. Heck, even the prior versions of Transporter have a little bit of sense to them. Not this third version. It's just a mess. Don't bother unless you're looking for 100 minutes of loud noises.

Grade: D