2012: It's the End of the World as We Know It

How would the governments of our planet ...

prepare six billion people ...

for the end of the world?

They wouldn't.
(Those bastards.)

Yes, doomed masses, if you hadn't heard, the end of the world is thundering towards us like a 30,000-foot tsunami. Time of arrival: December 21, 2012, the last day of the Mayan calendar. Forget Y2K, Nostradamus, or the Wall Street bailout, THIS TIME we're truly f*cked.


Either we enter a new age of spiritual enlightenment. Or, according to less optimistic interpretations (such as, rumored-ly by Lil Wayne and Shirley MacLaine, surprise!) ... polar shifts, sunspots and the rest of the "eight horsemen" trample us out of existence.

Poo-pooing the apocalypse? Check out the 2012 movie trailer. (The government may not care enough to warn us, but Hollywood does.)

Due out summer '09 (so we have time to get our things in order, or ransack the nearest shopping mall) and directed by Independence Day's Roland Emmerich, the film's all-star cast reportedly includes John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson, and more. Yet, they don't appear in the trailer, unless makeup artists cleverly disguised Harrelson as the frantic Buddhist monk rushing to ring the grab-your-robe-and-run-for-your-life bell.

Another missing piece in an enigmatic preview that clearly aims -- from its ominous start to finish -- to be mysterious with a capital "M." And eerie. Listen to the angry-insect buzz of the soundtrack that sounds like it belongs in Killer Bees, or Escape to Witch Mountain. And if watching Cloverfield or any M. Night Shyamalan trailers (and movies) and similar silver-screen teases have taught us anything, it's that the more intriguing a cinematic appetizer attempts to be, the more fabulous the full-course production. Am I right? Of course I am. If moviemakers are hiding something, it must be good -- REALLY good. Like when your grandmother tucked your Christmas present in glitter tissue, in a shiny gold box, in Santa Claus wrapping paper, beneath a big red bow. When you finally got to the gift inside, those white dress socks were so worth it! And what could the world really use now, other than more dress socks? Doomsday epics.

True, 2012, does have the potential for stunning CGI and special effects. (Unless the drowning mountains clip came from footage of current global warming catastrophes -- hopefully not.) As well as breathtaking cinematography in exotic landscapes, which is the upside of a global cataclysm. And some monks practice martial arts. Perhaps there could be some spectacular kung fu scenes before everyone sinks to the bottom of the ocean or bursts into flames? Bursting into flames could also be exciting to see on a big screen, as well as the blowing up of various buildings, bridges and such, which may be necessary to simulate natural disaster. Plus, all of the aforementioned principal actors starred in at least one great, or very good movie.

So, I suppose I'm curious enough to still have hope for 2012. The film. Not the fate of humanity. I'm going to build an arc, or grow gills. I'm sure I'll find instructions somewhere in the official 2012 Survival Guide.