Halloween is coming, so it seems like a great time to size up our two favorite blood-obsessed creepies from cable television: Dexter Morgan of Dexter and Bill Compton, the resident vampire of True Blood.
It's true. Each of these gentlemen is charming in his own way. Still, they're not the kind of fellas you'd want as neighbors or anything. (Talk about things that go bump in the night!) Let's face it: These dudes come with a lot of baggage.
But if you had to live next door to one of them, who would be your best bet? We've rated Dex and Bill in various categories to determine which of these bloody bachelors is the most productive member of society.
If Dexter's out at night, he's usually carving somebody up, stalking his next victim, or trying to cover up the fact that he's been on a murdering spree.
Bill, on the other hand, is probably just indulging his super-strong vampire libido by getting laid. I'm sure Bill runs all his errands at night, too, since he can't do them during daylight. And because he's so polite, he'd probably even bring you back a pint of Ben & Jerry's from Walgreens if you asked him real nice.
Dexter, 0; Bill, 1
Dexter admits he doesn't really have feelings. In order to propose to his girlfriend in a believable way, Dexter had to mimic the words and emotions of a recent crime scene victim. How romantic! His sister and friends get even less consideration.
Bill, on the other hand, is no stranger to loving relationships and family life -- it's just that he hasn't really done it since he the time of the Civil War. But even though he's dead (undead?), he's still more emotionally alive than Dexter.
Dexter, 0; Bill, 2
BENEFITS/CONSEQUENCES OF BEING HIS FRIEND:
Dexter's social skills leave something to be desired, and if his secret is eventually revealed, you will forever be known as "that guy who was best friends with the worst serial killer in Miami history." But he's incredibly loyal to the people he cares about. And who knows? He may even protect you when you don't even know you need it (See: Debra and the Ice Truck Killer, or Angel and Lila.)
Bill's social ills are right out there in the open, so you know what you're getting into right away. He's 173 years old and a great conversationalist, so he could regale friends with hours of historical tales. But being friends with and/or dating Bill comes with social ramifications -- such as being called a Fangbanger -- and it also means that other, scarier vampires may show up at any time. No, thanks!
Dexter, 1; Bill, 2.
Dexter makes all the right moves to fit in: He's gainfully employed (as a crime fighter, no less!); he has a girlfriend/family, drives a mini-van and appears to lead a normal, middle-America life. He makes star-shaped pancakes for the kids, for goodness' sake.
Bill is polite, well-spoken and opens doors for ladies. Even though vampires can seemingly travel at the speed of sound, he drives a sweet BMW. Still, Bill is jobless, will never be able to meet you for brunch (daylight!) ... and he sleeps underneath the floorboards of his house and drinks blood from a bottle. There's no contest.
Dexter 2; Bill, 2.
Dexter prepares for his bloodbaths using plastic tarps and duct tape. He maintains laser-like precision as he's dicing fools up.
Bill usually strikes without much warning, but can clean up his messes pretty well with his mouth.
Frankly, there are no guarantees when it comes to killing. With both men, you run the risk of seeing them covered in blood, which is not an "it" accessory during any season. It's a draw.
Dexter, 2; Bill, 2
USE OF SKILLS:
When it comes to murder, Dexter lives by a strict moral code. He only offs people who have gotten away with murder themselves. So technically, he's using his evil for good. Even though it's possible that he's killed more people than all his victims combined.
Bill also eschews the habits of his more evil peers. He makes an effort to blend into society, and drinks synthetic blood to avoid feasting on humans. Bill won't use his bewitching skills unless it's absolutely necessary to save himself or a loved one, and he will defend humans against other vampires.
When all is said and done, though, there are probably more murderers on the loose than decades-old vampires, making one man slightly more useful to have around.
Dexter, 3; Bill, 2.
Sorry, Bill. I still love you anyway.