Ah, 20th Century Fox, the storied studio that brought us classics like The Sound of Music, Patton and Hot Pants Holiday. Recently Fox Co-chair Tom Rothman told IESB.net that, more or less, the Fox plan for the next few is to remake everything, doubling down on the idea that audiences will see anything as long as they vaguely recognize the name. The A-Team, Charlie Chan and The Day the Earth Stood Still are all already on the way, and Rothman listed Daredevil -- Daredevil?!? -- Predator, Jason and the Argonauts, Fantastic Voyage, Die Hard and Independence Day as remakes under consideration. So here's a plea to Mr. Rothman. When you're digging through the Fox vaults for your next "new" movies, here are a few you can skip.
Basically a ninety-minute gay joke, and a not very funny one. George Hamilton plays a double role (finally!) as Zorro and his swishy identical twin Bunny Wigglesworth, prone to wearing gold lame and hats with fringe. I really don't think this would fly any more.
Do we still, as a society, think that Ashton Kutcher is a star? I see him on my TV a lot in those camera commercials, but I can't remember the last movie he was in. Actually, Ashton might be psyched for a remake.
Honestly, three was enough. I know a reboot with a new child star looks good on paper, but seriously, no need. Please. Unless you could get Macauley Culkin to do it, and have him be a thirty-year-old shut-in.
I actually have a soft spot for this movie (Wayne Newton? Vince Neil? I'm in!) but it was a total H-bomb at the box office, pushing Andrew Dice Clay out of his moment in the spotlight and into the deep nuclear winter of fail. A remake, now, with Dice all paunchy and blown out, would just be an embarrassment.
This thing was awful the first time around, and it's a kick-in-the-face affront to the world that Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for it. An Oscar! That's like awarding the Nobel peace prize to some guy who said "Dude, we should really all just chill" at a Dave Matthews Band show.
Brendan Fraser, Adam Sandler and Steve Buscemi played metalheads who take over a radio station to get their song played. How to update it -- an emo band hijacking a podcast, starring Zac Efron and Robert Pattinson? Let's leave this one back there where it belongs.
Please, please leave this one alone. I know it's tempting; I know you've got a guy who's written a great script; I know you want to push Russell Crowe into Newman's role and that kid from Gossip Girl into Redford's; I know dollar signs are rolling through your head like the tumblers on a slot machine. I know. Just please don't.
The scary thing? I'll bet even money at least one of these is already on some exec's "to do" list.