An Open Letter to W.

Dear W. (the movie, not the man),

I want to start off by saying that I'm sure you have some very lovely qualities. I hear you may lead Josh Brolin to an Oscar nomination. I always giggle during your trailer when former President Clinton is referred to as a "lard-ass." And I'm sure that choking-on-a-pretzel scene is a hoot.

But could you do me a favor and please go away for at least ten years?

Here's my rationale. Next weekend I plan on attending a party with a 1980s theme. For this party, I will be wearing an outfit inspired by the movie Flashdance. And once I'm there, I hope to dance to the music of Blondie and Run DMC. And I'm sure I'll encounter at least one woman dressed up as Madonna from her "Like a Virgin" days and one man as Michael Jackson from the "Thriller" video. It's going to be a great time.

But if I'd gone to a party in 1988 wearing that outfit or listening to that music, there would've been nothing special or exciting about it at all. Catch my drift?

Let me make myself more clear. Your director, Oliver Stone, is making the same mistake with you that VH1 did with their I Love the ... series. Reminiscing about the pop culture oddities of the '70s, '80s, and even the early '90s was good nostalgic fun. But once they got into the late '90s and the current decade, and they were talking about Britney Spears and American Idol, it just felt like we were being inundated with the same things we see on our TVs today. My favorite comedian, Demetri Martin has a joke about loving digital cameras because they allow you to reminisce immediately. That's what watching you feels like, W. Instead of watching a movie, it feels like reviewing your vacation pictures on your digital camera before you get home. Or watching I Love 2008 in 2008. Or attending an '80s party in the '80s.

You simply can't feel nostalgic over something that's still happening, even if the end of it is near. So that's why I'm asking you, W., to please go away and come back once we've had time to gain some historical perspective on the man and the events you are depicting. Heck, we don't even need to wait for historical perspective. I'd be happy if you'd just give us time to get over all of the tumultuous events of the last eight years.

So until we meet again, W. -- which I hope won't be for a long, long time -- good luck at the box office. You're gonna need it.