Lauren Conrad continues to defy the laws of celebrity and the greater universe: The 22-year-old reality star and aspiring fashion designer has inked a book deal. Yes. LC is now writing fiction, which I suppose is a step up from filming a fictional TV show and calling it reality, which is what she does on The Hills.
But the important takeaway from this is that LC now has three careers, makes millions of dollars per year and is undoubtedly dumber than you are. You are reading, see? I'm pretty sure LC doesn't do that. Publisher HarperCollins has somehow been duped into believing that Lauren has not one, but three books in her -- enough for a young-adult series loosely based on her own life. Unfortunately, the title Gossip Girl has already been taken.
Speaking of people who should stick to what they know, multi-hyphenate Ryan Seacrest has teamed with Paris Hilton to produce a new television show. Here's the catch: It's scripted. Whose brilliant idea was this? Seacrest should focus on enabling Paula and the Kardashians and other trainwrecks (read: Denise Richards) of the world, and Paris needs to stay away from cameras, period. Forever.
In other reality TV news, Jennifer Lopez was scheduled to be the guest judge for the Project Runway finale at New York Fashion Week, but pulled out at the last minute due to a foot injury. What? Why would that affect her ability to sit on a chair and judge clothing? I sit in a chair and judge reality TV stars all day long, and I don't even have to get up to change the channel. I have a remote.
Speaking of changing the channel:
Hannah from Alaska continues to be cast as the slightly racist, small-town hick who was apparently raised by moose (when she wasn't being chased by one) because there are no people in Alaska. Somewhere, Sarah Palin's people are getting on the phone with Tyra's producers. Next week: Hannah goes home! (8 p.m. Wednesdays, The CW)
The designers are tasked to create an avant-garde outfit based on an astrological sign. Christian "Fierce" Siriano returns as a guest judge, and obviously there can't be two Christians in one room, so Blayne has to go home. Serves him right for desecrating my birth sign -- Libra! -- with that inexplicable flesh-colored jumpsuit, which he tried to explain to a concerned Tem Gunn thusly: "She's all kinda like nude and when there's a situation that arises she begins to manifest that situation." (9 p.m. Wednesdays, Bravo)
The Rachel Zoe Project
Rachel asks her assistant Taylor to train new assistant Brad, who used to work at Vogue. Taylor: "I can't manage you. I can't tell you what to do. I can't be bothered with it. That's annoying to me." Brad: "I'm a little bit nervous about working with Taylor. She scares me." And this from a guy who used to work for Anna Wintour. (10 p.m. Tuesdays, Bravo)
Why is Doug Reinhardt still on this show? Oh, because he has a private jet and the girls need some way to get to Vegas. Which begs the question: What has Stephanie Pratt done for anyone lately? Audrina frets about the state of her friendship with Lauren (read: meal ticket to stardom), while Justin Bobby waxes philosophical: "Why spend any second of your life to have that unsettle-y, ulcer-y feeling for nothing?" Which, coincidentally, sums up how I feel about reality TV. (10 p.m. Mondays, MTV)
Margaret records a pop single in an attempt to get more attention from the paparazzi. "I mean, how hard could it be? Paris, Lindsay, Britney ... If these girls are out all night going crazy and then the next day recording a single, if they can do it, I can do it." Margaret's stylist: "You spread your legs, and then a hit single comes out." Easy-peasy! (11 p.m. Thursdays, VH1)