Correct me if I'm wrong, but Tiffany "New York" Pollard has probably had more shows than any other civilian-turned-reality-star.
On one hand, I think: Why? This woman has no real skills, very marginal talents and, frankly, can be little bit hard to look at as well. But I have to give her credit: She's got a train-wreck appeal that's hard to deny.
Her escalating list of accomplishments includes: Playing sloppy tonsil hockey and allegedly falling in love with Flavor Flav on Flavor of Love; taking a loogie to the face from fellow FOL contestant Pumkin; getting dumped by Flav – twice; getting breast implants that are literally the size of two human heads; and scoring her own Bachelorette-style dating show.
The latest installation in New York's love-to-hate-it VH1 programming, New York Goes to Hollywood, premiered Monday night on the network. In it, VH1 gives New York 30 days in Los Angeles to establish herself as a legitimate actress. (Hey, she might have a chance... she did appear to be head over heels for Flav after about 24 hours in his presence.)
I didn't want to get sucked in yet again, but the New York vortex was just too damn strong. And based on the first episode, here are some reasons it will be hard to stop watching.
1. Delusions of grandeur.
In the opening scene, New York is shown moping around the house, upset because her phone isn't ringing off the hook with employment offers. Instead of oh, I don't know, looking for a job or taking an acting class, she creates a newspaper ad: "Assistant needed for high-profile actress." She needs an assistant about as much as the world needs Spencer Pratt.
When interviewing potential assistants, she handled her rejects with the upmost professionalism and respect. She told one, "Get off my property, you skanky-ass bitch!" And when a religious interviewee told New York she didn't believe in pre-marital sex, New York spit out her drink and cut the interview short. "Sex is very important to me... Plus, you're wearing a sailor shirt. Bitch, you know you ain't own no boat! Sail yo'ass up out of my house!" It makes working for Diddy seem like a dream job.
3. She's a moron.
When a job candidate told Pollard that she swore too much, Pollard replied: "How can you just ignore the fifth amendment -- freedom of speech?" Um, no comment.
Next, she and her gigantic bosom went to exercise wearing what appeared to be a push-up bra (!), capri pants, white platform peep-toe stiletto heels, a full face of makeup and accessories.
Personal trainer: "You look like you're about to go dancing."
Pollard: "I just want to drop a few pounds."
Trainer: "You could drop a couple of pounds by just removing your jewelry."
Later, when she's running on the treadmill and her lady parts are flailing all over the room, she says, "I should have worn a sports bra."
Trainer: "You should have worn a Viking shield."
Shoot, he should have worn a Viking shield, too. He was about six inches away from a nasty shiner.
4. Her fashion sense never ceases to amaze.
Even pre-surgery, New York has always worn everything about two sizes too small and worn regular bras with things like halter, strapless and backless tops. And not in a cute, "oops, here's a sliver of my sexy purple bra strap" kind of way. Note to New York: They're called undergarments for a reason, hon.