Once upon a time, I was a TV Addict. Though TV Addict went away for a while, bad reality TV just kept on going. (Odd.) Some might say it got worse -- and by "worse," I mean "better."
The Bachelor spawned copycats like VH1's Rock of Love and MTV's A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. I find these shows to be not only trashier, but also more honest. Sure, Bret Michaels and Tila Tequila claim to be searching for true love -- wink, wink -- but we all know they'll be conveniently single again in time for next season. Bret is an aging rock star, and fame is his only mistress. Bring it, Poison!
The Real Housewives of Orange County are still on Bravo, and they've multiplied and scattered to New York City, Atlanta and New Jersey, proving once again that in reality TV, anything worth doing is worth overdoing. (American Idol, can you hear me?) New Jersey: An interesting choice. I can't wait to see those women with big hair insisting they get their gaudy jewelry from husbands who work in "construction." I smell a Real World-style franchise in the making. Pretty soon we'll all be hooked on The Real Housewives of Cincinnati. (Note: It took me four tries to spell "Cincinnati" right, and in hindsight I could've saved myself the time by choosing any other city.)
Pam Anderson is back with Tommy Lee -- news that broke conveniently around the time she has a reality show to promote on E! It's called Pam: Girl on the Loose. Um, loose? We'll leave that one alone. Because it's no fun when it's that easy. Easy! Oops, I did it again.
Speaking of: I kinda miss Britney. Shouldn't she be talking to Ryan Seacrest about some kind of reality comeback vehicle? He needs to do something to redeem himself for putting Dina Lohan and Denise Richards on E! To quote Aunt Sassy: I don't want to see that!
On that note: Reeeeecaps!
DeAnna goes on a romantic horseback ride with Jesse. "We actually kissed on a horse in the middle of the ocean. It was crazy." You know what's crazy, DeAnna? Going on a reality show to find a husband. And by the way, it's not the "middle of the ocean" if a horse can stand in it. (8 p.m. Mondays, ABC)
Tori becomes jealous of Dean's hot, 21-year-old scuba instructor: "Dean cheated on his ex-wife with me. My greatest fear is that the past will repeat itself and that the same thing will happen to me. He'll find a new Tori and leave me for her." Well, Tor, maybe you should have thought about that before you got fat. Oh, excuse me, "pregnant." (10 p.m. Tuesdays, Oxygen)
Sarah, an aspiring broadcast journalist, struggles with an assignment that requires her to have a personality. "Journalism, like, hard news is what I've mostly been doing for the past couple years, but this business is more personality-oriented, and that's something I haven't experienced as much." Other things Sarah hasn't experienced much: Empathy, tolerance, fidelity, peace, love and understanding, alcohol. Ah, youth. (10 p.m. Wednesdays, MTV)
Kathy performs over the PA system on a 14-hour "Pink Flight" to Sydney for Mardi Gras. It was like Britney's "Toxic" video, only with drag queens. Later, Kathy drapes a snake around her neck at an Australian zoo. It was like Britney at the MTV Video Music Awards, only with less nudity. Sigh. I really do miss Britney. (10 p.m. Thursdays, Bravo)
Jeff and his assistant, Jenni, discuss the ramifications of having pizza for lunch. Jeff: "Why would she take the pepperoni over the meatball?" Jenni: "Well, I would like the variety of it. I'd like to have one and one." Jeff: "Well, what if Zoila wants two meatball and I want two meatball? Then you'll just have pepperoni?" Jenni: "Yeah, then I'll just have pepperoni." Jeff: "But I don't want you to have meatball, then us to run out of meatball. Then I'm stuck with pepperoni." Seriously. This is a TV show. They had this conversation on a TV show. I'm actually dumber now than I was five minutes ago. (10 p.m. Tuesdays, Bravo)
The Gosselin kids -- eight, count 'em -- ride around on bikes gifted by Ellen DeGeneres. Your move, Oprah. (9 p.m. Mondays, TLC)
You know what, Denise? It's really not that complicated. (10 p.m. Sundays, E!)