Five Things I Learned from WALL-E

The director seems to be denying it now (he must not want to scare off the red staters and their ticket money, I guess), but Disney/Pixar's WALL-E has an obvious agenda: don't litter and get some exercise. Wow, how controversial! That’s good advice, sure, but there are a lot more lessons to be learned from the littlest garbageman. Who doesn't love a movie with a message?

1.) Never, ever go on a Disney cruise.

"Mesmerizing meetings with Disney characters!" The website says that, as well as: "Space adventures to infinity and beyond!" Hmm, infinity and beyond? Yeah, not so appealing any more. Now we know. They want to keep you on that ship for seven-hundred years, stuffing you full of liquid cupcakes and strapping you to a chair so comfortable that you forget how to walk, with a TV screen three inches from your face. Actually, I know guys who live like that now.

2.) CG robots are better at expressing emotion than Lindsay Lohan, Hayden Christensen, and Katie Holmes combined.

In the first 45 minutes, there's barely a line of dialogue between WALL-E and Eve, but there's more real feeling than in the entire run of Dawson's Creek. Some of these "stars" should take some pointers.

3.) Americans are the only people on the planet.

There was hardly a nod to the fact that there are, you know, lots of countries in the world. Don't get all Freedom Fries on me now! But it was downright strange that the only acknowledgment that another country might exist was when WALL-E bumped into Sputnik in space, and I'm betting most people under 25 didn't even recognize it.

4.) The robot from Short Circuit appears to have spawned.

Seriously, look at this. Isn't that copyright infringement? As a side note, tracking down this photo led me to unearth the unfortunate fact that there's a fan site for the Short Circuit robot. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. (Still, when was the last time you saw a good Steve Guttenberg/Ally Sheedy vehicle? Too long, I'm betting.)

5.) DVDs will not survive the coming apocalypse.

But apparently, VHS tapes will do just fine. Thank god, my Knight Rider collection will live forever.