Some Ideas for the New Hannah Montana Movie

OMG you guys! I've always wished I could be a 13-year-old girl, but never as much as I wish it right now! First they're making a movie based on Twilight, which is seriously like the best book EVER about a girl who falls in love with a hot vampire. And now they're making a Hannah Montana movie!! This is definitely the best time in history to be a 13-year-old girl!

Perhaps your ears are still ringing from the last time they made a Hannah Montana movie, when you happened to walk past the theater where it was showing and some of the squealing escaped into the hallway and assaulted you. But that was merely a concert film. Now they're making a real movie! With a plot and everything!

It's based on the insanely popular Disney Channel show about an ordinary teenage girl named Miley Stewart (played by Miley Cyrus) who lives a secret double-life as a famous pop star named Hannah Montana. For insight on the plot of the film, due out in spring 2009, I quote this article:

"The film follows Miley Stewart as Hannah Montana's soaring popularity threatens to take over her life. With a little urging from her father, the teenager travels back to her hometown of Crowley Corners, Tenn., to rediscover what's really important."

Is that the best they could do? Granted, a movie about someone who gets too successful and must learn what's truly important in life is pretty groundbreaking. Off the top of my head, I can only name 4,502,483,992,132,783 other films with that premise.

I have some ideas for a Hannah Montana movie that would be much, much better, and I will share them with you RIGHT NOW:

Miley Cyrus, aka Miley Stewart, aka Hannah Montana, is recruited by the FBI to go undercover as a ninth-grade girl who lives a secret life as an actress whose most famous character is that of a teenage girl whose alter ego is a famous pop star. Written and directed by Charlie Kaufman.

Suggested title: Miley Cyrus IS Miley Stewart IN Hannah Montana's Secret Mission (Starring Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana).

Hannah Montana enters a Walk-a-Thon to raise money for charity, but improper footwear causes her to suffer great pain. Written and directed by Woody Allen.

Suggested title: Hannah and Her Blisters.

Hannah opens her own resort on a tropical island, where she specializes in serving poolside fruit smoothies while singing gospel tunes.

Suggested title: Hannah Montana's Hosannah Banana Cabana.

Hannah's freedom is purchased by a multinational conglomerate with a history of exploiting its young performers and then turning them into gimmicky commodities. As the celebrity machine chews her up and spits her out, she loses her identity and sense of self-worth.

Suggested title: Walt Disney's Business As Usual.

Some shocking things about Hannah Montana's personal life are revealed. For instance: Her real name is "Miley," which isn't even a name. I mean, at first it sounds like a name, but then you realize, wait, no, it isn't. Miles is a name, and Riley is a name. But Miley? Nope, not a name. Also, her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus, the mullet-wearing hillbilly whose "Achy Breaky Heart" was among the most reviled songs of the early 1990s. Is this how we reward one-hit wonders? By making their misnamed daughters multi-millionaires? Come on, people!

Suggested title: Seriously, a Hannah Montana Movie? You Couldn't Pay Me Enough.

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Eric D. Snider (website) has a few things to say to the Jonas Brothers, too, none of them polite.