Three People Crazier Than Mike Tyson Who Need a Documentary

The Cannes Film Festival is more than just a place for attention-starved celebrities to traipse along red carpets, or for journalists to spend expense account money on six-dollar coffees and have their laptops stolen from absurdly overpriced hotel rooms. It is also a place for washed-up athlete/rapists to recapture a bit of the limelight.

We learned this at the most recent edition of Cannes, where a documentary about Mike Tyson debuted to general acclaim. Tyson himself was there, and he was greeted warmly by festival-goers who had seen the film and now viewed him through different eyes. No word yet on how many of those well-wishers Tyson subsequently murdered.

But I kid the mush-brained, baby-talking felon! I'm sure he hardly assaulted anyone at Cannes. My point is, I think there's a big market for movies about crazy people. But Mike Tyson barely scratches the surface. Here are ...

Three People Crazier Than Mike Tyson Who Need Documentaries Made About Them

Michael Jackson
There is no one in the pop-cultural landscape in the last 50 years who's crazier than Jacko. Remember how he built his own weird zoo/amusement park/den of iniquity and called it Neverland Ranch? Remember when he married Elvis Presley's daughter, then somehow had children, then dangled one of them over a balcony? Remember how it was rumored that he'd bought the Elephant Man's remains, only it turned out not to be true -- but Michael Jackson was so crazy we had no trouble believing it? That's a sure sign that you're insane: when people will readily accept any bizarre thing they hear about you.

Tom Cruise
Unlike Michael Jackson, who has more or less always been weird (yes, even in the Jackson 5, though it was hidden by the other four), Tom Cruise was fairly normal for a long time. It wasn't until he got tangled up in a certain for-profit brainwashing cult founded by a science-fiction novelist that he went cuckoo on us. Next thing you know, he's terrifying Oprah viewers, parading his creepily complacent child bride (age difference: 16 years) around the world, and yelling at Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields about depression medication. People all over the world want to know: What is Tom Cruise's deal? Not that I think he'd ever agree to give a filmmaker unfettered access to his life, but it sure would be interesting.

Marlon Brando
Once the greatest actor of his generation, Brando eventually became an obese, eccentric lunatic. During the filming of The Score he didn't want director Frank Oz (whom Brando called "Miss Piggy") to shoot his entire body; to enforce this, Brando showed up on the set naked from the waist down. He lived on an island for a while. He was good friends with Michael Jackson (definitely a red flag). He once kissed Larry King on the lips. He gained a massive amount of weight before filming Apocalypse Now then told director Francis Ford Coppola that he didn't want his character to be fat. Bravo, Brando! That's the kind of craziness we like to see.

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Eric D. Snider (website) would suggest Britney Spears, but he's seen quite enough of her already, thank you.