Should The Stars Have Kept Their Talents Secret?

Last week I told you about Secret Talents of the Stars. Last night, I tuned in to see if this new show would deliver the tacky celebrity goodness I crave.

In the premier episode, the first four celebrities displayed their hidden talents. We'll get four rounds of four celebs, followed by two rounds of semifinals and a big showdown between the four finalists. If you want to start the cheesiest office pool ever, you can find a bracket here.

With only four performers per hour-long episode, a lot of filler is a big given. The extra time was used up showing footage that reminded the audience why, exactly, some of these people are considered "stars" (not so important this week, but there are quite a few weeks coming up populated with people I, for one, am not that familiar with). Of course, there was also lots of footage of the celebs practicing their hidden talents. The bread and butter of any show like this are the actual performances, though. How did the stars do?

Sasha Cohen: Acrobatic Contortion

Sasha performed with the New Shanghai Circus, a Chinese acrobat group. The non-"star" guest performers may prove to be one of the more entertaining aspects of this show. As a figure skater, Cohen is known for her flexibility, so this talent isn't much of a stretch. Sorry. My secret talent is an aptitude for terrible puns. (And Jelly Belly identification, but that's neither here nor there.)

George Takei: Country Singing

So can Sulu sing? Well, kind of. I'm not sure country is the best choice for him. But hey, Nimoy and Shatner both made second careers out of bizarre vocal stylings, so who am I to judge?

Clint Black: Stand-Up Comedy

Clint's friends may tell him he's funny, but there is a big difference between being funny and being a good stand-up.

Mya: Tap Dancing

Dancing is already a big part of the type of R&B performance that Mya is known for. (And she sang and danced in the Cellblock Tango number in the film version of Chicago.) I was expecting her to be good. But, like Cohen, she loses points in my book for having a talent that isn't so "secret."

Secret Talents is hosted by John O'Hurley, who can even make a dog show surprisingly entertaining. The judges are Debbie Reynolds (the Paula), Brian McKnight (the Randy), and producer Gavin Polone (the Simon).

This is a limited audience participation show. If you happen to view it live in on the East Coast, you can vote for your favorite performer. Voting is only open from 10:00-11:00 EST, so if you aren't on eastern time, you can still vote, but you'll have to do it without actually watching the performances. Vote here, if you're so inclined.

I suppose the limited voting is due to the fact that there is no results show; the stars who move on are announced at the end of each broadcast. Hmm...it's not like they don't have time to announce the previous week's winners on the next show, but whatever. I'm probably just bitter because I wanted to cast a pity vote for George Takei after Gavin Palone told him his singing "sucked." (I told you he was the Simon!)

In case you need to update your bracket, Sasha and Clint will be moving on to the semifinals.

As for myself, in addition to being put off by CBS's failure to devise a way for the whole country to vote (they're coastist!), I was also only mildly entertained. Last night's four stars failed to either blow me way with their talent or embarrass themselves in a spectacular and entertaining manner. Good cheesy celebrity programming really needs to do at least one or the other. To be great, it must do both.

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Amy Kane spends as much quality time with her television as possible, when she's not busy at her day job as a cube dweller.