Calm Down, Uwe Boll Still Doesn't Matter

Everyone needs to calm down, take a breath and relax. Uwe Boll isn't the devil. He's the guy who runs out to get the devil a pack a cigarettes. This latest stunt of his is just that. A stunt. And the reaction across the board from film buffs has been exactly what he wanted. You've been hoodwinked. By Uwe Boll. Let that sink in a second.

All this began when Meet the Spartans hit theaters earlier this year. Having put out the third and most painful installment of their never-ending assault on all that is good and decent in the world, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg put themselves squarely in the sights of most critics. We didn't just pan their crappy movie. We called them out by name, pointed our fingers and declared them the very worst in the world. Unfortunately for Uwe Boll, that was long his title.

As I wrote about last October, Uwe's notoriety had begun to slip. He wasn't as exciting to talk about. His movies were crappy, and by continuing to talk about them, we kept them in the public consciousness. So many of us had decided to stop talking about him. And that made him very, very angry. He screamed at me for 10 solid minutes because I wouldn't review his movie. So I did. But nowadays, people don't bring up his name as much. His movie has finally gotten a release date, and no one really cares. His last film, In the Name of the King came and went without notice. But one week later you couldn't throw a stick without reading a piece about Meet the Spartans. His reign as the king of bad movies had come to an end. His career as an Internet heel, playing the role of the ultimate cinematic bad guy, had come to a sad, pathetic end.

Never one to lie down and go quietly, Uwe attempted to resuscitate his ailing career last week by pulling the stunt of all stunts. After having put out a press release saying that if he got a million signatures on a petition urging him to quit filmmaking he would leave (yeah, I'll believe that when I see it), and after getting little response to it, he posted a now infamous rant, calling out such filmmakers as Michael Bay and Eli Roth. In it, he proclaims himself to be the one true genius in Hollywood. And it got a lot of play. Trouble is, I agree with him. Who else could make such lame, boring, unwatchable films and still get talked about this much? Especially since he is no longer the worst in Hollywood. Yup. Genius.

Because it worked. People went nuts. They took the bait and Uwe's back in the news again. So I'm here to say, Calm down, people. Relax. Take a breath before firing up that blog of yours. A million-signature petition won't make this guy go away. That will only empower him further. Take your mom's advice. You know what I'm talking about -- the advice to ignore jerks. That's right. Ignore them and they'll go away. You want to put Uwe on notice? Don't talk about him.

But if you do (like some jackass you're reading right now) make sure it is just to note how silly and sad this is. Because really, who in their right mind acts like that?