Think how sad you would be if you were Jessica Simpson. You'd have the failed marriage, the jacked-up teeth, and the fact that you're kind of dumb all staring you in the face every day. And now you'd have something else to add to your list of woes: a movie that was probably the worst failure of 2007.
If you don't remember Jessica Simpson even having a movie in 2007, you're not alone. Approximately 299,999,835 of your 300,000,000 fellow Americans were also unaware that Blonde Ambition existed. The other 165 paid to see it the weekend of Dec. 21, when it opened in eight Texas theaters.
That 165 figure is an estimate. We know it played on eight screens and earned (according to Box Office Mojo) a total of $1,322. We figure the average ticket price is about $8, which works out to 165 tickets sold. Then we figure each of the theaters showed it four times a day, or 12 times for the weekend, for a total of 96 screenings across all eight locations. That breaks down to 1.7 tickets per showing. If you saw Blonde Ambition, odds are you were alone in the theater except for 7/10ths of another person.
The most embarrassing part is that the movie was supposed to go straight to DVD, where it belongs, without ever sullying a cinema with its presence. Had it done that, it would have been simply one of a million other straight-to-video projects that all celebrities do at some point, and no one would have thought twice (or even once) about it.
But someone figured they should plop it into theaters for a cursory big screen run before the Jan. 22 DVD date. Goodness knows why. And why choose Dec. 21, a date that already had five major wide releases opening? Why not, say, Nov. 30, which had one? Or Dec. 28, which had zero? Alas, it is futile to try to determine why film distributors do what they do. Their ways are mysterious.
The reasoning behind opening it exclusively at eight Texas theaters was that Jessica Simpson is a Texas girl, and surely the locals would come out to support their native daughter's success. Unfortunately, as Slash Film points out, she's a bit of a pariah in the Lone Star State right now due to her relationship with Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. She was in the stands the day Romo had his career-worst game, and some fans believe she was contributing to the team's Super Bowl hopes being dashed. She's the Yoko Ono of the Dallas Cowboys.
Taking for granted that Texas sports fans are superstitious and crazy, you're still left with the fact that Simpson wasn't exactly everyone's favorite girl when Blonde Ambition was excreted into those eight Texas cinemas on Dec. 21. The film also wasn't publicized very well, and there were no advance screenings for critics. Word of mouth probably wasn't very good, either; the one review I can find of it on the Internet calls it one of the worst movies ever made.
So, despite her boobfull performances in The Dukes of Hazzard and Employee of the Month, it would appear Jessica Simpson is not destined for Hollywood stardom. She may have to go back to doing what she really has a talent for. And as soon as we figure out what that is, we'll let you know.
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Eric D. Snider (website) has a talent for pointing out other people's jacked-up teeth.