It's a New Year! Corks have been popped, kisses exchanged at midnight, promises made that we have no intention of keeping. In other words, pretty much what they call a Tuesday in Hollywood. But what promises should Tinseltown make to us this year? What could they possibly improve upon?
Here are some resolutions the industry should look into:
1.) Resolve to settle the writers' strike.
Really. Both of you. This has gone on long enough. Like a divorced couple fighting all the time, you've neglected the fact that the kids are the ones suffering. And by kids, I mean us. And by suffering, I mean American Gladiators in prime time starring Hulk Hogan. Please. Make it stop.
2.) Resolve to pay the makers of the TMZ TV show to NOT produce a television show.
If you thought their website was sleazy, skeezy and over-the-top, just wait until you see how deep they can scrape the bottom of the barrel on a slow news day. I've lost IQ points just clicking past the channel showing it.
3.) Resolve to stop sending the young actors to rehab.
Look: It's not working. We're not buying it. Lindsay can say she's done with partying all she wants to. I've seen her so coked up in a bathroom stall on the Internet and gazed upon every forbidden inch of her body. It would take her turning water to wine and healing the sick to make me think she's had any sort of real conversion. Call me once the Vatican has confirmed her miracles.
4.) Resolve to stop making films about the war in Iraq until we're no longer having a war in Iraq.
Really, guys: it's one thing to have an opinion; it's another to actually profit off those opinions when guys are still getting blown to bits. Oh, yeah, and we're really kind of tired of watching them too.
5.) Resolve that once we're finished remaking all of the classic horror movies (we're almost done), and through turning J-Horror films into really lame PG-13 films, that we don't turn around and do it all over again.
6.) Resolve to never let Fred Savage anywhere near a camera ever, ever again.
Daddy Day Camp was a sin that should never be allowed to happen again.
7.) Resolve that once the WGA strike has ended to work things out with the actors well in advance so that SAG doesn't go on strike this summer, making things even worse.
C. Robert Cargill - - - Email Me
Austin-based Cargill, who not only loves but owns The Cutting Edge, writes on movies and DVD five times a week.