American Idol Sob Stories and Snob Stories

Wednesday night was the sixth night of American Idol auditions. I'm getting so tired of seeing some of these lousy singers that I'm getting tired of hearing myself complain that I'm tired of seeing some of these lousy singers.

But give Idol credit for at least trying to keep these shows interesting so viewers will stay hooked until the real competition can begin.

"American Idol" Auditions Miami 

The episode opened with a slightly silly mimicry of the old Miami Vice. It was cheesy, but well executed. Then it was off to the races with our first wannabe Idol,

Shannon McGough, a cute girl who quite literally worked in a meat market, owned by her parents. We saw video of her working and heard how hard it is to handle hamburger. She

also showed off her impressive burping, which would put any guy to shame.

Shannon seemed to be a shoo-in, but it was a fake-out. Shannon couldn't sing worth... shish-kabob. The judges destroyed her, although Shannon insisted that nobody has ever told her she couldn't sing. Shocking, Shannon. Shocking. You should stick to burping.

Next came Robbie Carrico, a supposed former boy band member who had no trouble impressing Randy, Paula and Simon. But Robbie was a short-lived breath of fresh air, only to be followed by a montage of lousy singers. You know, the ones who aren't good enough to make it to Hollywood, but aren't bad enough to achieve "William Hung" status either.

Then things got a little strange.

Into the room walked Ghaleb Emachah, a talk, dark and handsome fella who sang well enough to earn a ticket to Hollywood, but wanted a hug from Paula aftewards and practically

molested her. And Paula wasn't the only one getting some love. Simon and Randy got their share too from Corliss Smith and Brittany Wescott, a pair of, well... shall we say larger women who sang beautifully, then showered the boys with kisses and hugs.

After the love-fest, Ryan told us that, coming up, we'd see one of the worst auditions in Idol history. Well, I just had to see that, now didn't I?

But first, get out your violins. Time for a sob story, from Suzanne Toon, (perfect name, huh?) a single mom who tugged at our heartstrings while describing how her baby's daddy

had run out on the family. It was sad, but her singing was delightful and earned her three solid yesses from R, S & P.

Next came cute little Ramiele Malubay, who hopes to be the first Asian-American Idol. Syesha sang "Natural Woman" by Aretha Franklin. Frankly, I thought she just

screamed at the judges, but Randy and Paula gave her a pass.

Wait, get out your violins again. Time for another sob story, from Syesha Mercado, who told us all about her father recovering from drug and alcohol abuse. Syesha also sang an Aretha Franklin song, and also screamed at the judges. But what do I know. Randy, Paula and Simon gave her an enthusiastic and unanimous "yes" for Hollywood.

Then came another succession of idiots. I know I've said this before, but I can't believe how many people sound horrible, but are truly surprised when Simon tells them. They've apparently never been told by a single friend or family member that they lack any kind of talent whatsoever. Like Richard Valles, who was so bad that Randy couldn't stop giggling

throughout his song. Randy said he sang completely through his nose, and demonstrated it.

And then along came Julie. You know, Julie Dubela. Yeah, you heard me right, THE Julie Dubela. The one who was on American Juniors four years ago and

made it into the top 20. That's right, I said TOP 20. Wow, where have you been living, in a cave?

Julie walked in with enough tude for ten contestants. Simon called her "confident." I call it "obnoxious." After this 16-year-old uber-duber drama queen finished a so-so audition, she was told to keep practicing and come back in a few years. But Julie wasn't hearing any of it. She kept singing, and singing, and singing, until finally walking out in disgust when the judges were clearly not going to change their minds.

And finally, the moment I'd been waiting for. The last audition of the night, and supposedly one of the worst ever. Brandon Black exploded into the room in a white top hat and cape, muttering to himself or something. He sang "I'll Make Love To You" to Paula, and then his own song, "I Am the Next American Idol." Half way through being chastized by Simon, Brandon broke into a strange impromptu performance. The judges just stood up and walked out.

Was he weird? Yes. Was he bizarre? Yes. Was his singing lousy? Yes. Was he one of the worst ever auditions? Not by a long shot if you ask me. Come on Idol. Have the ratings dipped so low that you have to over-hype the bad singers now too?

In all, 17 golden tickets were given out in Miami. Next week, they take the show to Atlanta for... you guessed it, more auditions. How many more do we have to endure?

Ethan Morris: "Not always right, but never in doubt." Go ahead and write me.