Rumor We're Starting: Calvin & Hobbes: The Movie!

We get tired of reporting nothing but news stories and valid opinions, so we thought we'd branch out with some blatantly false (but oddly believable) rumormongering. Try it! It's fun!

In development: Calvin & Hobbes: The Movie.

Bill Watterson is legendary for being reluctant to license his beloved comic strip characters, but Paramount Pictures has finally convinced him that they'll treat the mischievous boy and his pet tiger with the respect they deserve. And what a treat they have in store for us!

The brilliant comedy director Adam Shankman -- who made such masterpieces as The Wedding Planner, Bringing Down the House, The Pacifier, and Cheaper by the Dozen 2, before selling out with Hairspray -- will direct Calvin & Hobbes: The Movie, and he promises to make it the kind of family comedy America loves. That's right, folks: plenty of fart jokes!

Paramount is looking for an unknown actor to play Calvin, while the rest of the cast is chock-full of superstars. Calvin's boring parents will be played by Eugene Levy and Amanda Peet, while Hobbes will be CGI and voiced by Jim Carrey.

The story is being kept mostly under wraps, but here's what we know: it focuses on a 6-year-old boy named Calvin who's sassy, precocious, and doesn't take no for an answer! His best friend is his stuffed tiger, Hobbes, who comes to life when no one's around. Together they get into all sorts of trouble!

Calvin's favorite pastime is urinating on the Chevrolet logo. Whenever he sees it, he pees on it! In the film, the Ford Motor Company finds out about this and wants to hire Calvin as their new spokesperson. Before you can say "transmogrifier," Calvin and Hobbes are whisked off to Hollywood, where Calvin quickly becomes a celebrity. (Paris Hilton has promised to make a cameo in the scene where Calvin sneaks into an exclusive L.A. nightclub.) He wreaks havoc on the studio lot where his Ford commercials are being filmed, and he's always making a mess of things!

Meanwhile, Hobbes tries to be a real "cool cat" and keep Calvin out of trouble. Hoo boy, does he ever have his work cut out for him! You can expect lots of hilarious scenes where Calvin accidentally destroys things, or where he says something that adults find offensive. But hey, Calvin's just keepin' it real!

Calvin & Hobbes: The Movie will open May 28, 2009. Three sequels have already been greenlighted.

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Eric D. Snider (website) dies a little inside just imagining it.