Editor's Note: In honor of the writers' strike, and the possible doom it could unleash upon us if new scripts don't get started soon, I've commissioned our Amanda Mae to give us the worse idea she can possibly think of for a movie.
"The Harrowing Helpspeak: Part 1"
We start out with what will wind up as an utterly incomprehensible plot. I'm thinking a spy movie where the first half of the movie is spent planning an elaborate subterfuge in the vein of James Bond, yet spoken of in very dull terms. To begin, we'll have a whiny female "heroine" named Plucky, who will grapple with and eventually overcome personal demons (whether they're alcohol related or merely "having it tough as a kid" remains to be seen). Next we'll have her apathetic best friend Lucky, most likely played by one of the Gossip Girls. Lucky is the one who is continually spewing outdated slang a la Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Phil is the love interest, and he is a man's man, a real trooper in the comedic vein of Jon Lovitz, Louie Anderson and Homer Simpson. And we have our core.
In what will be seen almost entirely in montages, we learn that Plucky, Lucky and Phil are working on a project that will disarm nuclear threats to the United States, but that project doesn't ever quite get out of the planning stages. Lucky is the "technical genius," and spends most of her time on screen rattling off really long complicated sentences which Plucky ignores, and Phil doesn't understand so he says something like, "Oooh, look at me, I'm so smart." In order to preserve the secrecy of the spy project they've been working on, they will end up needing to relocate the operation to a small farm. Plucky will have a few montages of "self discovery," and will proceed to have a few stilted conversations with Phil about her childhood, which gets increasingly more uncomfortable and awkward eventually ending in a fist fight. We are never shown who wins.
At the farm, they will encounter a talking chimpanzee that speaks only in Pig Latin, voiced by Rosie O'Donnell. This chimpanzee will make pithy suggestions for improvements to the space shuttle. Oh yes, the space shuttle. This film, with Plucky and Lucky and Phil, has a major plot switch about half-way through. Without explanation or transition, we find ourselves in the midst of building a space shuttle to "defeat the Russians." No one ever explains what that means, but it seems to be generally accepted as true and never questioned. Just mentioned constantly.
Phil eventually becomes convinced that someone is watching them, and that they must find the creep who is stalking them. It turns out to be Eddie Izzard pretending to be John Cleese pretending to be the Queen. Once that all gets sorted out, we notice that Phil has been replaced with a completely different actor, as if we're already in the future, watching a sequel. The film will abruptly end, with little explanation and a weak resolution wherein Plucky heads off to "find herself," and Lucky and Phil stay on the farm to raise the chimpanzee and Eddie Izzard, living in the shell of the half-finished space shuttle. The film will end with a quote, I'm thinking something from Nietzsche.
The soundtrack will be comprised entirely of one surprisingly unrelated choice after another. We'll jump from Frank Sinatra during the fight scene to Britney Spears' new single "Gimme More" during any montage during which they build the shuttle or plan the spying mission. But the last half of the film will be endlessly looped remixes of Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" played at a subtle just audible level to create a "sound environment." Oh joy.
Amanda Mae Meyncke will have already had three emails with offers to produce this film by the time you read this sentence.