Colboycott! Draft Stephen for President

I'm mad at Stephen Colbert like I'm furious with Al Gore.

Al Gore survived the Clinton administration unscathed. Al Gore won the popular vote. Al Gore won the Oscar. Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. Now, I'm not saying that I'd necessarily vote for the guy, but I figure Al owes the American people the opportunity. More than that, one would think that Al owes it to himself, if only to prove that he's put a leash on that rolling-eye reflex of his.

But, no. Gore's sitting this one out, and that's why I'm boycotting global warming. Try me.

You: Does it feel warmer in here?

Me: Shhhh.

You: But it does feel warmer in here.

Me: Let's not talk about the weather.

You: But it's f'ing hot in here.

Me: Here, lick my cold shoulder.

You: Hnehhh... nnnneh.... hheennenneh.

Me: Oh your tongue's stuck? Great, let's talk about Stephen Colbert.

I'm now also boycotting the entire Stephen Colbert affair: his ice cream, his sponsors, his junior hockey league, and Doritos, his election campaign sponsor. Yes, I'm also boycotting his late-night advertiser, Girls Gone Wild. Oh woe.

Mr. Colbert announced he was running for President in South Carolina. The liberals in turn looked up the Rotten Tomatoes rating for Robin Williams' Man of the Year (20 percent approval rating and therefore "rotten") and decided that the plot wasn't worth the price of admission ($2,300 is the individual donation limit).

But Colbert is no Mork, that two-bit illegal immigrant. Colbert would never use the word "nanoo nanoo" in the presence of a lady. Within a week of throwing in his hat, he was already up two percent.

Do the math with me:

One week = 2 percent.

One year til the election = 52 weeks.

2 percent x 52 weeks = 104 percent of the vote.

104 percent of the vote? That's not a landslide win, that's Zeus tossing his recycling bin down the mountain, that's Stephen Colbert on a Soyuz rocket, waving back and yelling, "Goodbye Lil' Hillary, Goodbye Baby Obama. You look like ants from here."

But if Colbert's going to let a little thing called the North Carolina Democratic Party stop him from running, well then, Stephen Colbert is a Q-U-I-T-T-E-R.

The newest, hottest, hippest thing to do these days, politically speaking, is to start an unofficial draft committee. Texas liberals drafted State Rep. Rick Noriega for the US Senate. New Mexico liberals just drafted US Rep. Tom Udall for the Senate. The Draft Al Gore campaign already has 200,000 voters on board who are raising millions to convince him to throw his hat in the ring.

But let's not forget the US policy. We don't reward leaders who ignore our wishes. We use economic sanctions.

Here are my recommendations for drafting Stephen Colbert.

1. Ignore Colbert's book and forthcoming DVD.

2. Do not buy Doritos. Instead, go for Pringles. That'll remind Colbert that once you pop, you can't stop.

3. At the grocery store, grab one of the special item request forms, and write, "Please remove Stephen Colbert's offensive AmeriCone Dream from the freezer case." If you work at the grocery store, turn all his Ben & Jerry's ice cream upside down.

4. Add this page as an exterior link to every Wikipedia page that references Colbert.

5. Support ThreatDowns with donations to the Bear Search and Rescue Foundation and the Oxford University Robotics Research Group.

6. Next time Colbert issues a "Green Screen Challenge," send it back with the screen turned solid royal blue.

7. Sign on to the Draft Colbert petition.

Remember the smallest contribution helps and you can even sign up for a monthly plan, where you ignore Colbert in monthly increments.