Why I'm Not Rooting for Disney's Underdog

I don't want to criticize Underdog because it's a movie aimed at kids. It's really not meant for me and I don't want to appear mean-spirited. But I will anyway! It may not be the most torturous two hours of anyone's life, but I was asked whether or not I would be seeing the movie and the answer was an emphatic "No!" In case you're wondering just what an emphatic "No!" sounds like, it's me saying "No!" really loudly, while furrowing my brow and stomping my right foot three times. I love Jason Lee, but odds are good I'm not seeing this one and here are five reasons why:

1. I was never a big fan of the cartoon.

So the nostalgia factor doesn't really play with me. It's amazing what a little nostalgia can do, though. If I watched the cartoon as a kid and loved it, I'd be making excuses as to why I'd be willing to give this film a chance. As it stands, it will need some seriously good feedback from someone over the age of ten.

2. My parents want to see it.

This is really bad news, folks. I know you don't know my parents, but trust me ... this movie doesn't even have a chance anymore.

3. I've seen the trailer.

Let me say that whenever I've seen this trailer in a theater, it has played well with audiences. But that "One Nation ... Under Dog" tagline is for the birds, man.

4. I'm all for dressing up animals and having them talk like humans, I just prefer that animal be a chimp.

Chimp + human clothing = comedy gold. If you dub a voice over the chimp, I may never recover. And dogs aren't that funny to me after The Shaggy Dog. Yes, its mark is still etched upon my forehead.

5. This movie is going to start a dangerous precedent for kids.

Do you have any idea how many puppies are going to go flying out of fifth floor windows over the next few months? It's going to be a massacre and I just can't support it.

So there you have it. Dog lovers, feel free to bark at me in the comment section below.

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Dre writes three times a week for Film.com. He's a Yankees fan so he's used to rooting against the underdog. Email him!