Rating the Ocean's Thirteen Guys

Ocean's Thirteen comes out this week, the third part in what has to be the most massive male ensemble cast ever assembled. That's all well and good for the financial viability of the series but a much bigger question looms out there. Namely, who would I want to hang out with of the 13 male leads? What kind of trouble could we get up to? Basically, what are the pros and cons of each Ocean's member? Here goes nothing. If any enterprising publicist wants to take me up on this offer I've got some vacation time saved up. And a valid passport. Oh who am I kidding, let's knock out this list.

In reverse order of who I'd be seen with:

Elliot Gould13. Elliot Gould as Reuben Tishkoff

Pros: 37 years ago he was nominated for an Oscar. Plus he was once married to Barbra Streisand. That would give us loads to talk about.

Cons: After we were done with those two subjects I imagine we would both stare blankly at each other, waiting for our Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruities to arrive.

Verdict: No way am I chilling with the dude who did nothing but warn the guys about how unbeatable the casinos were back in Ocean's 11. Consider yourself shunned Elliot.


Andy Garcia12. Andy Garcia as Terry Benedict

Pros: He clearly knows his way around a hair gel.

Cons: Something about this guy just irks me. What could it be? Ah yes, the horrible Cadillac commercial where he actually says, regarding his car, "The bigger the better!" and tells us "The American Dream is not a myth." With insights like that he'd have around 45 seconds before I excused myself to go get a sledgehammer.

Verdict: I'm rethinking my hasty shunning of Elliot.

Carl Reiner11. Carl Reiner as Saul Bloom

Pros: He's 85 and has 5 Emmy victories. Translation: he's got nothing to lose.

Cons: Carl directed Summer School!! No wait, that's actually a huge positive too.

Verdict: Only three fellas in and already we're into the land of "not so bad to grab a burger with guys." Now I know why I love this series.

Eddie Jemison10. Eddie Jemison as Livingston Dell

Pros: He knows computers? Seriously, it's impossible to find anything out about this guy. I think he may be a Russian spy.

Cons: He was in Judging Amy. It was only one episode, but still. He also worked with Howie Mandel on something that never even got around to being named. That's two strikes my low profile friend.

Verdict: Sometimes seemingly quiet guys will shock you with their level of fun once you feed them some beers. My guess is Eddie is that sort. He reminds me of a younger version of the guy who plays Monk (on the show Monk).

Bernie Mac9. Bernie Mac as Frank Catton

Pros: Bernie is reputed to be quite a good time in Hollywood circles (yes, I know people who know people who were once invited to a party involving some guys that I think were in the movie business). I imagine we could have a few beers and talk about what jerks the other Kings of Comedy were to him.

Cons: Mr. 3000. Enough said.

Verdict: I like Bernie. You like Bernie. But there's a strong chance Bernie would want to hurt me once we started discussing his recurring role Moesha.

Shaobo Qin8. Shaobo Qin as Yen

Pros: We could get into tiny places.

Cons: Shaobo's first project was Ocean's 11. His second was Ocean's 12. Guess what his third is?

Verdict: I don't care if he's not a star, it would be worth enjoying his company in a small box for the novelty factor alone.

Al Pacino7. Al Pacino as Willie Bank

Pros: If people saw me with Al Pacino they'd think I was famous too. Or that I owed Al money. Either of those are preferable to what people think when they see me now: doughboy.

Cons: Al sort of scares me. Also, he's not yet a member of Danny Ocean's crew and his line from the trailer "I know people who really know how to hurt" is a giant slice of horrible dialogue pie.

Verdict: If I ranked Al any lower than seventh I think he'd have me killed. Let's do lunch and talk some Glengarry.

Brad Pitt in Ocean's 136. Brad Pitt as Rusty Ryan

Pros: He's dreamy, yeah? Theoretically I could exploit that to gain admittance to all those cool clubs who've banned me.

Cons: He's gotten weird lately, what with all his "helping people" and "becoming informed" nonsense.

Verdict: I could see us golfing together. Or maybe touring a war zone to see where we could pitch in.

Scott Caan5. Scott Caan as Turk Malloy

Pros: I've got him rated high, I know, but he strikes me as a down to Earth type of guy. Yep, I just confirmed it, he went to Beverly Hills High School with Angelina Jolie. This is not a joke. My instincts remain spot on.

Cons: Or should I call it Caan's? Now that's hilarious funny business there. One negative I could see is his pops, James Caan, who freaks me out every time I see him.

Verdict: Me and Caan at an Irish pub, talking about the old days in the "hood"? Sign me up.

Don Cheadle4. Don Cheadle as Basher Tarr

Pros: He was awesome in Reign Over Me and his work in Hotel Rwanda proved he can switch gears fairly easily. I'd want this ability of his around just in case our waitress was cute.

Cons: The British accent he sports in the Ocean's franchise is BRUTAL. I think he should just drop it halfway through saying something in the movie. At least give us one laugh out of this disastrous decision.

Verdict: First Don and I would go bowling, where I'd tear him up. Then we'd hit up the diner. Then we'd ride home on a scooter together (that's a ridiculously insidery reference to Reign Over Me, which, if you're a person, you likely haven't seen).

Casey Affleck3. Casey Affleck as Virgil Malloy

Pros: Yes, that's right, I like the younger brother. He married Summer Phoenix, attended Columbia University, and named his son Indiana. Clearly this is a guy I can support.

Cons: He's only got a bit part in the movie, and he might not pick up the tab.

Verdict: Casey is still my road dog. And as far as I can tell, that's a term of endearment.

Matt Damon2. Matt Damon as Linus Caldwell

Pros: I don't know how you could hate on Matt Damon. He's Matt Damon! He's Jason Bourne, The Talented Mr. Ripley, and was a voice in the hit animation Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron!

Cons: I may have overstated that last point. It would also be impossible to hang out with him without mentioning the Matt Damon reference from Team America: World Police a few hundred times.

Verdict: I'd even fly somewhere to meet Matty. He seems like good people, and hopefully he'd be into my whole Good Will Hunting II: Robin Williams goes crazy because of 'Nam script I've been so diligently working on.

George Clooney1. George Clooney as Danny Ocean

Pros: It's his gang. He's Ocean. Plus he's been sexier than everyone else on the planet TWICE. We may never see a sexy run like that again.

Cons: Good Night and Good Luck was super overrated. It should have just been rated normally. Also, if I appeared anywhere with Clooney I would look like a vortex of un-sexy by comparison.

Verdict: Still though, he's got a pad in Italy and he's George freakin' Clooney. Call me bud. Let's do this thing.

If I'm wrong (and I'm not) then you go ahead and let me know.

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