Will you walk into my parlour?" said the Spider to the Fly.
Um ... no thanks.
After months of hype, Spider-Man 3 opens this week -- arguably the first of the big summer blockbusters. I realize this might be the unpopular view, but I for one will not be among those eagerly lining up to see it. Why not? Let me count the ways.
1. I Didn't See the First Two -- Call me anal-retentive, but I can't go see the third part of a trilogy without seeing parts I and II. It's just not in my nature. So the question is, why haven't I seen SM I or II? Well that just happens to lead to number two ....
2. The First Two Were Bad -- I actually tried to watch Spider-Man, but couldn't even make it to Uncle Ben's death. It was sooooooo boring. Then I jumped ahead to some scenes with the Green Goblin and turned it off altogether. Hence, I never saw Spidey II (except for catching a smattering of it the other night on FX). I don't know why I don't like these films. They look like the kinds of movies I would enjoy -- if not in the theater, then at home on DVD. Maybe the explanation is in number three ....
3. Tobey Maguire Isn't Convincing as a Superhero -- And I thought Michael Keaton was miscast in Batman. Tobey has him beat by a mile. I just can't take him seriously. It sounds like his voice is cracking half the time. And frankly, Carrot Top has bigger muscles (he's been working out).
4. Too Much Computer Animation -- Why am I complaining about Tobey Maguire when it's not really him in half the scenes anyway? It's a computer generated Spider-Man web-swinging through the city. As good as the technology is, it's so obvious when they substitute a CGI for a person. They did it in Blade II and the Matrix movies, too. I feel like I might as well be watching a cartoon.
5. I've Had it with Trilogies -- Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third, Ocean's 13, POTC: At World's End, The Bourne Ultimatum .... Is there a movie coming out this summer that's not part of a trilogy? Why yes, Ethan. You can see Fantastic Four 2, Die Hard 4 or
6. Third Movies are Usually the Worst -- Whether they're part of a trilogy or an ongoing series of sequels, for some reason the third movie always seems to be the stinker. The Godfather 3, Rocky 3, Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock, Alien 3, Jaws 3-D. Must I go on? Sure, a few part 3's have been alright. Oh wait, I just remembered Smokey & the Bandit 3.
Oh who am I kidding? Will I really use all these excuses to justify not seeing Spider-Man 3? NO. I better get to the video store so I can watch SM 1 and 2 while there's still time.
Ethan Morris: "Not always right, but never in doubt." Go ahead and write me.