Miss Tennessee Crowned Miss USA: Live Diary

Welcome to the Miss USA live diary. As it's in my contract that I get to cover any competition that features swimsuits I'm on the case for two hours this evening. Thanks to Trumpy for financing this thrillride. Let's get it on!

9:01 – They are starting with the Tara Conner story! This is shocking because they haven't tried to leverage a boozed up sex-pot Miss USA for publicity at all up until this point.

9:02 – Tragically, Miss USA has been consumed by her bangs. Sad stuff, a lesson to you kids at home, don’t let your hair eat your forehead.

9:03 - We are treated to rap music, and the gentle view of the gals jutting out their hips and stating their age and state while looking sultry. I imagine this is what it’s like to try out for Trump’s harem. Or wait, is this the tryout?

9:04 – Chances Miss Nevada (from Las Vegas) is a “dancer?” One billion percent.

9:06 – Miss Wyoming has more teeth than a shark. I’m guessing the other contestants call her “chompers.”

9:07 – The rap music is a nice touch but I feel like a gold pole would go great in the center of the stage. And maybe some sort of DJ booth. Ooooh, and a smoke machine!

9:10 – Nancy O’Dell and Ted Vincent are our hosts this evening. They work for Access Hollywood. You've never seen or heard of them. And you never will again.

9:11 – Hey, this Ted Vincent guy isn’t even American! What the hell?

9:13 – Three rounds form the competition: swimsuits, evening gowns, and the final question. Remember ladies, your worth is based 33 percent on how well you look in soft porn, 33 percent on how well you clean up, and 33 percent how well you can stumble through a ten second question.

9:19 – Tara Conner MUST have been drunk when she put on that gown by Ocean Pacific. It looks like she wandered into the middle of a paint ball game.

9:20 – Tara tells us she is now truly capable of feeling this moment (Due to all the LSD).

9:21 – They are eliminating women already? Some of these women didn’t even have time to purge! Wow, we’re going right to the top 15. I’m stunned. 36 girls shipped off in boxes to Trump’s apartment with nothing more than six seconds of screen time to show for their effort. This is a travesty.

9:27 – We were just promised a swimsuit competition that will “dazzle our senses.” I'll tell you what, if I smell, taste or feel any of these women wearing swimsuits I’ll be shocked. Most likely I won’t hear much of them either unless they’re sporting poorer quality rubber get-ups. So it's pretty much just the one sense left open to dazzlement, good ol’ sight.

9:31 – We are getting an inside look at a fashion shoot! All this insider stuff is overwhelming my five senses. Also, the “insider look” seems to be a few jump cuts and the girls standing against a cement wall. Evidently being inside the process is fairly lame.

9:39 – It’s time for the all celeb panel of judges to be introduced. They are:

A chick from MTV.
Jerry Springer.
Kimora Lee Simmons.
NFL QB.
Some writer.
Jonathan Antin!
President of Trump’s modeling agency.
Owner of the Lakers.

What a star packed night this is turning out to be!

9:40 – The casual banter between the hosts is brutal. Whoever wrote for these guys either hates them or is getting a chuckle out of Beetle Bailey every Sunday.

9:42 – At least all of the women get to wear a swimsuit before they are shuffled off the stage to allow the final 15 to compete.

9:44 – Women in heels and bikinis. It just feels natural doesn’t it?

9:48 – Choice of swimsuit? Pink or Blue. Choice of body type? Slender and unattainable only please.

9:54 – Top ten time and we're treated to some fun facts about the gals. Miss Texas likes motivational books and shopping. Miss Tennessee can read, er I mean likes to read. Miss Nevada plays the clarinet (not a euphemism).

9:56 – I’m officially on the Miss Kansas bandwagon. She’s super cute. I don’t care if you judge me.

10:05 – I love the parts where the girls are super duper supportive of each other. It all just feels so authentic.

10:05 – Ball gown time. Because you want to know that the girl you've purchased is ready for a night on the town too.

10:07 – Missouri is sporting a backless dress! I repeat, Miss Missouri is showing back flesh! She’s also sporting a sassy V cut down the front. Bold. The judges crush her with a 8.032. Also, in what universe will this competition come down to one one-thousandth of a point? It's not like we have a few hundred states around here.

10:12 – Miss Cali works the side breast action. I think it’s enough to get her through.

10:13 – Guess who else loves Miss Kansas? The judges. 8.9836254 on the scoreboard!

10:14 – Miss Utah looks like a parakeet. 8.253 is the score. Clearly one of the judges had an avian incident at a young age.

10:16 - Miss Rhode Island pulls down a 9.158 and is officially the sleeper of the competition. Miss Kansas might want to research Topeka hitmen real quick like.

10:23 – Insider footage of teaching the girls how to walk.

10:25 – Miss Congeniality goes to Miss Montana. What a sweet girl. Stephanie Trudeau, we salute your charm.

10:26 – Miss Photogenic goes to Miss Alabama. I have no idea why I’m reporting this like it’s real news.

10:28 – The top five are: Nevada, Tennessee, Kansas, Rhode Island, and California. And after 90 minutes we'll hear the girls speak!

10:29 – Funny Anecdotes:

Miss Nevada tells a story about being cold. She’s a natural comedian with the timing of an aardvark.
Miss Tennessee volunteered at the OPRAH WINFREY school.
Miss Kansas can’t speak and worked (or protested, hard to tell) with abortion centers. For real.
Miss Rhode Island keeps a journal, hopefully with a tiny lock on it.
Miss California is an insomniac.

It’s question time. This is always great. Here we go.

Miss Nevada, who is your hero? It's her brother. Actual quote: “I’m very proud to this day that I had my brother and I would not change that.”

Miss Tennessee, what famous man would you be for a day? She goes with Will Smith. “I think he’s a great man. A great family man. Someday I’ll strive for that as well. Great family woman.” I went with Gandhi but okay, you win. The Fresh Prince it is.

Miss Kansas, Do you think everyone deserves a second chance no matter what they have done? “If someone can change their attitude, if a second chance is going to improve their life then of course they should be given a second chance. In situations such as murder obviously second chances should not be granted.” Miss Kansas is pro life and pro death penalty. Yay!

Miss Rhode Island, If you had the power to ban the use of something what would you ban? “Banning the use of cell phones (while driving) would definitely be my answer." Using cell phones while driving? I’m actually with you sister! I’ve just jumped on the Rhode Island bandwagon folks. The Kansas one seems to be on fire.

Miss California, should a woman ever use her beauty to get ahead? “I think it’s appropriate in some cases. (But) It doesn’t matter if you’re beautiful as long as you’re pretty on the inside." Please keep in mind she said this while competing for the Miss USA crown.

10:48 – They've announced the prize package. Here's what the winner scoops up on:
A year at the trump pad
The winner's tiara
Modeling representation
35 thousand dollar watch
Wardrobe
Swimsuit wardrobe
Shoe wardrobe
Hair products
Denim wardrobe and ad campaign
A wardrobe for all her wardrobes
NY film academy scholarship
4 day trip to Caribbean or Mexico. (What, Trump couldn’t spring for Europe??)

10:55 – Tara Conner’s final walk as Miss USA. Did you know she was given a second chance? Yep. It’s true. Seriously, the papers covered it and everything.

10:57 – It’s between Tennessee and Rhode Island for all the marbles.

10:58 – Miss Tennessee wins the title! She was a good choice, and really it's a victory for Will Smith too. The bad news is I get the feeling this year's Miss USA will be drug free ... and forgettable. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to watch Little Miss Sunshine and ritually cleanse myself.

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