Not Your Granny's Grammys

Please enjoy some random thoughts on the 49th Annual Grammy (formerly the Gramophones) Awards.

It's time to lead the backlash against Justin Timberlake. Yeah, he can sing and dance, and judging by the Grammys he can play piano and guitar too. I'm not debating the fact that he's a musical talent. But enough is enough. The guy IS everywhere. He performed multiple times on the show and he even had a TV segment about the inspirations behind one of his songs. Were aliens to invade our planet they would assume J-Tim was our ruler. And they wouldn't be far off.

Which is why I'm heading the charge to have him vilified, so that one day he'll put out an underrated acoustic album which will immediately be followed by an *NSYNC reunion. I have only two reasons Justin should be taken down a few notches. Scarlett and Jessica. Justin, the rules on starlet dating are very clear. They were set forth by Brad Pitt and Charlie Sheen so many years ago. One at a time. If you're caught in the company of Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson within the same week you're headed for a fall. Consider yourself warned.

During the Police reunion Sting looked sort of horrified. Also "Roxanne" was not the song to play. Give me "King of Pain" or give me death!

Jamie Foxx clearly needs a ton of attention. He asked the crowd to cheer about a hundred times. Jamie, they're all industry and highly disillusioned. Leave them be.

Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder won the Best Pop Collaboration w/ Vocals Grammy, or, as I like to call it, "The token Grammy for a song that came out 700 years ago."

Prince said three words all night: "One Word: Beyonce." That was his total vocal output and yet he was better than everyone else there. This summer Prince is the new Justin Timberlake. Mark it down!

The Black Eyed Peas are to music what I am to figure skating.

Mary J. Blige fights The Dixie Chicks for Grammy supremacy the entire evening. It's R&B vs. Country, and no one wins that battle without some bloodshed. I say we let them collaborate on "New York, New York" and line up their joint Grammy for next year.

John Mayer's songs remind a little bit of high school poetry. If he puts out his liner notes in the shape of a question mark that will cinch it. Love his stuff, though, big fan.

If the aforementioned aliens try to take over, and our only recourse is a "Dance Off" then I nominate Shakira to defend our proud planet. She has moves that almost broke my television.

Gnarls Barkley is a supremely weird guy/group, but I can respect that because it's always funny to watch people act like they are loving it when truly they're just really really confused.

It seems to me that giving the Dixie Chicks five Grammys is more of a political statement than a qualitative one. That's fine, but can we just hold one show total called the Grascars?

Carrie Underwood sings "Life in the Fast Lane" with Rascal Flatts. Somewhere the Eagles roll over in their graves.

Christina Ricci must start eating. Right now.

I love Lionel Richie and I'm not ashamed at all. It was weird, but as I danced around my living room singing, "Hello, is it me you're looking for?" at top decibel, no one called the cops. I think the neighbors are finally starting to get me.

Along with Shakira I'd throw Chris Brown into our "Dance Off" competition against the evil aliens. Some of the things he does would require me to have an operation.

Christina Aguilera is tremendous. She really did James Brown justice, and it's funny everyone once compared her to Brit Spears. As it turns out, the major difference was Aguilera can sing.

James Blunt, I'll miss ya, man. Don't be a stranger, fella. Page me or something when you get off your shift.

Prince thanks the fans in an ad. Seriously, Prince for Prez.

Three hours in the Red Hot Chili Peppers sing after being teased every single commercial break for the entire show.

Al Gore belongs at the Grammys. No seriously. Wipe that smirk off your face, he's a hep cat!

Best Rock Album: Red Hot Chili Peppers. It's the Grammy Corollary. You can't win a big award unless you've been around a decade.

One of Justin's girlfriends gives the Dixie Chicks their Album of the Year award, presented directly after Record of the Year. The difference between Record and Album? The spelling.

I think Rick Rubin had multiple artists up for album/record of the year. If I'm not mistaken he produced both the Chili Peppers and the Dixie Chicks. This means if you cross him you'll end up like Paula Abdul, scared and alone.

The Dixie Chicks' multiple victories notch up the Grammys nice and neat. Next year will mark the 50th Grammys, and I'm guessing we'll see a spectacle the likes of which we haven't seen since Halley's Comet. Tune in then! Provided I'm not stalking Jessica, Chistina, or Shakira I look forward to joining you.

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Laremy Legel

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