Will there ever be a week that is not dominated by the Twitter beefs of Mr. and Mrs. Kim Kardashian? Thankfully, Kim puts up quite a fight against the Twitter Nude Selfie police firing squad. She doesn't quite succeed, mind you, but that's what I'm here for. Kim isn't the only perpetrator this week, though — we also have a 140-character think piece from Lena Dunham, Mario Lopez looking for a paycheck, the late Stacey Dash, and our first Instagram entry from everyone's favorite mauve pantsuit, Hillary Clinton.
"Finally watched?" Sis, it's a Vine. It's six seconds. Did you brew some chamomile tea and lounge on your chaise while gingerly taking a puff from your last Galouises before you fired up your content viewing device? You know you don't have to chime in on everything, right? Especially if you don't have anything pertinent to say. Also, queer theory? The boy is 14, can we not assume he and his friend are knocking pristine pairs of Vans? This isn't Skins.
Should Lena Delete Her Account? I thought she already quit Twitter in March? She’s hanging around longer than a CBS procedural.
Mario… wyd? You're in literally everything from Access Hollywood and Grease Live to my every waking nightmare, so what's going on with this tweet? Is this an ad? Do you want to be a Kellogg's spokesperson? Are you that hard up for coins? Also, Special K and Crispix — this is truly embarrassing taste in cereals. This is what you eat every morning with a banana? I know your body is still as banging as it was on Saved by the Bell so you're not gonna eat Franken Berry or Cookie Crisp, but, like… maybe some Honey Nut Cheerios? Live a little — have some Shredded Wheats. Kix?!
Should Mario Delete His Account? To be fair, I didn't know Mario had a Twitter account until I saw this, so whatever. Just eat some better cereal, boo.
Instagram is the Wild Wild West and I don't plan on diving into that mess weekly, but for a brief moment, let's discuss the social-media accounts of politicians. Most of them are innocuous, but some of them are god-awful. (As trash as his views are, everyone should really be following Donald Trump's lead on how to keep your account on brand.) Hillary, are you stranded in the desert without a drop to drink? Because the thirst here is out of control. Sure, you're a female candidate and you're reaching out to other women. But did you even speak to this woman before your social-media intern decided to use her image to shill some votes from the hipster-coffeehouse contingent, whose favorite book is The Catcher in the Rye and who are predetermined to vote for Bernie? Instead of deleting the Instagram, Hillary's team changed the caption. That girl still doesn't want her photo up there! What are you doing, ma?!
This is only sliiiightly thirstier than Bernie going to the Sam Smith School of Googling and digging up a photo from the movie Selma, instead of the actual Bloody Sunday march, and tweeting it. Everybody, get your team together. If you're gonna try to pander to black voters like Bernie, maybe find real-life photos of civil rights leaders instead of stills from movies. If you're gonna talk about women who "inspire" you, make sure they're actually giving you a vote.
KIM KARDASHIAN WEST, PART I
And now for The Main Event. Approximately fifty-eleven people added their unsolicited opinions to the Kim Kardashian selfie, but let's address her first. I'd like to know why this has so many retweets in the first place. Kim Kardashian posted a nude selfie? Cool. Water is wet. As I've said before, Kim is literally the thirstiest person on the Internet (as is her husband, considering how she often acts like his A&R when she tweets announcements about his upcoming music). Of course she posted a nude selfie. This is the woman who went nude on Paper magazine, of all places, and claimed she was going to break the Internet. My Internet still works fine, but my brain might not from the headache the Internet gave me in responding to this damn cry for attention.
Women should be able to express their sexuality wherever and however the fuck they want — whether that includes the bedroom, the strip club, a music video, or Twitter. I'm gay. Do you know how many half-naked thots I follow on Instagram and double-tap on a daily basis? But Kim, you're not an Instagram model. If you wanna be nude, fine, but there's no empowerment in being thirsty.
BETTE MIDLER, PART I
I got some real time for Bette Midler today. As I stated above, Kim tweeting a thirsty selfie is like Donald Trump saying something racist, so it's best to just ignore her and wait until she’s tweeting about Kimojis an hour later. But Bette couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, either Bette or the social media intern that's been tweeting nonstop for her since the Oscars. We get it, you're trying to connect with the youth! You know who also connects with "the youth"? Kim fucking Kardashian. And they like her damn nude selfies. So if you want to get their attention, instead of stirring up some petty drama with Kim — and this is the height of petty, because she's Kim Kardashian, so you knew either she or Kanye would respond — why not tweet your own risqué photos?
This is the album cover to 1977’s Live at Last, in which you bare all like you’re Faye Resnick on Larry King. This isn't even the first time you've gotten bent out of shape about what someone else is wearing. You called Ariana Grande a "whore" less than two years ago. This really isn't a good look, sis! And you know what else isn't a good look? Your tweets about race. Let's get to those now.
BETTE MIDLER, PART II
When this tweet went viral a couple of weeks ago, it kind of rubbed me the wrong way for reasons I couldn't quite articulate at the time. I mean, yeah, the statement is kind of true. But why is Bette Midler of all people tweeting this? Has there been a single black lead in any of her films? Beaches? Nope. The First Wives Club? Nah. Big Business? No. The Rose? Not at all. Ruthless People? Outrageous Fortune? Down and Out in Beverly Hills? The first rule of Twitter: Don't tweet from glass house. The second rule of Twitter: Don't tweet racist shit unless you have an egg for an avatar. So I'm wondering how she ever fixed herself to let the following tweet run through my timeline:
During a debate in Flint, Michigan, on Sunday, Bernie Sanders said, "When you’re white, you don’t know what it’s like to be living in a ghetto. You don’t know what it’s like to be poor." Naturally, a few people had some problems with that. There are poor white people in America, and some of them do live in what you might call a "ghetto," if The Wire is your favorite TV show, I guess. The word “ghetto” was actually derived from the Jewish area of Venice. But Bernie took some much-deserved heat for his comment and moved on. What he didn't need was for Drowning Mona’s own to come to his defense. Especially with this wack-ass tweet.
White people love offering up things black people do as a way of justifying the crazy shit they say. "Black people say the n-word; why can't I?" "Black people look great in dreads; why can't I go to Jamaica on spring break and get some?" And if you’re Bette Middler, it’s “So what if Malcolm X called an area the ghetto?” Are you black, ma? You don’t live in the ghetto. Have you ever ventured to one to pick up some catfish on the weekends? To get your edges right at the salon? Nah? Then stay out of black folks' business. Talking bout a goddamn Busta Rhymes song and you can't even spell his name right, BETTIE.
Should Bette Delete Her Account? I've had enough. How about we only hear from you when Hocus Pocus time rolls around?
CHLOË GRACE MORETZ
First of all, you could've submitted this essay to Teen Vogue or sent Kim a very nice yet cursory email. Instead, you decided to make a public display of the fact that you weren't feeling her selfie, which is really a whole other kind of thirst. While some of what Chloë had to say is important, she could've left the heavy lifting to someone like Cosmopolitan’s Jill Filipovic, who penned a piece that perfectly articulated why Kim's selfie was hardly empowering. No one needed you to insert yourself at all, Chloë, especially after that Nylon cover where you're naked save for an Ann Taylor Loft jacket. There is nothing wrong, by the way, with being naked on a magazine cover. Landing a cover is like the least thirsty thing a celeb could do. But you know what is thirsty? Tweeting at Kim Kardashian like you don't know you're gonna get written up in Us Weekly and The Cut the next morning.
She later tweeted that she wasn't slut-shaming Kim, she was just "respecting the platform" she's been given as a celebrity. Girl, it was a selfie posted to Twitter from a woman notorious for Gypsy Rose Lee–ing all over social media. What platform is Kim supposed to be respecting here? We're not looking to her for notes on foreign policy. It's really not that deep.
Should Chloë Delete Her Account? Go on a field trip to the zoo with your high school class or something.
Here's another woman whose heart is in the right place. However, I question the need to write essays like this only after a high-profile celebrity posts a nude selfie. If this were an issue you were really concerned with, it probably shouldn’t take Kim Kardashian for you to write about it. Second, doesn't Pink have a song called "Slut Like You" on her last album? Here is a sample of those lyrics:
I got a little piece of you-hoo
And it's just like woo-hoo
Wham Bam thank you Ma'am
I'm a slut like you
You say you're looking for a foo-ool
And I'm just like "me too"
I'm gonna let ya know the truth
I'm a slut like you, slut like you
It’s a song about fucking whomever you want. It’s also about being bold and sexy and refusing to be ashamed of that. Kim's brand is sexy: It’s a brand that sells clothes, emojis, and games for your phone. Is it OK to wear sexy, near-nude garments when you're singing? Is that what you need Kim to do? Do you really want us to hear the follow-up to "Jam"?! I didn't think so.
How about you dress how you want to dress, while also inspiring your fans to embrace their brains and strong work ethics year-round instead of cashing in on the attention of a petty shot at Kim? Like, are you really that bored? Do Kim's continued antics get you that riled up? She does it every Tuesday.
Should Pink Delete Her Account? No, but can we put a moratorium on people publishing mini-essays on Twitter like a freelancer looking for work? If you think your thoughts are really that important, please, hit up any media organization and publish a real essay.
Somehow, the most annoying response to Kim's selfie came from the last person whose thoughts you want to hear on any topic ever. "Strength and honor my lady"? Didn't you just get done calling Black Widow a slut? And cracking jokes about Jennifer Lopez's breasts on national TV? We already have to deal with you in Captain America: Civil War when we're really here for Cap, Bucky, Black Panther, Spider-Man, and 700 other superheroes who aren't you. No one needs to hear from you on the topic of women ever.
Should Jeremy Delete His Account? You know what? Maybe this is preferable to him going on another press junket and saying stupid shit again. Stay on Twitter. I'll just mute you.
KIM KARDASHIAN WEST, PART II
I like Kim when she tries to clap back, but the key word here is "try." This response is as lame as the tweets she's responding to. Girl, Bette Midler has a lot of fucking money. She doesn't care about your video-game coins. And why would you be like "Oh, I'm busy making money," then also reference the fact that your husband is in debt? Speaking of, did you actually pay his debt? Because this is a weird way to announce it. I'd love to have brunch with Kim and educate her in the ways of the clapback. I thought she was friends with Amber Rose. Did Amber approve these tweets? And furthermore, did Amber have anything to say about you defending yourself from slut-shaming while your husband did the same thing to her a cool two months ago?
Past her bedtime because she's old? Fake friends? Kim. Come on, you can clap back better than this. A Google search would've turned up pictures of Bette from the '70s in her own scantily clad clothing. Tweeting one of those would've been enough. Don't do so much work coming up with jokes that don't land.
This one right here actually cracked me up. It's the best of Kim's responses, and if she'd only tweeted this, the clapback would've been savage. But alas, she kept tweeting "send nudes" and other unnecessary shit. When you're here to ether someone, you need to get in, drop a hot tweet, then move on with your life. Don't pen essays defending your thirsty Ashley Madison profile pics, girl.
Should Kim Delete Her Account? Surprisingly, I'll say no. But anytime you want to guest on Delete Your Account and get some tutoring in how to clap back, let me know.
The Oscars were, what, two weeks ago? Shut up.
Should Stacey Delete Her Account? Yes. Next.