The People v. O.J. Simpson Morally Corrupt Rankings, Week 6: 'Marcia, Marcia, Marcia'

In which America crucifies a perm

The 10-part FX series American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson tells the fascinating tale of Nicole Brown Simpson’s real-life killing and the ensuing media frenzy around the murder trial of her famous ex-husband O.J. Simpson. Once again, in honor of "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick, let’s see what these hellbeasts are up to in Episode 6, "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia," and determine who’s the most morally bankrupt of them all.

1. THE MEDIA

Every outlet has officially turned into a gossip rag.

Good Deeds:

• Digging into the grandstanding Johnnie Cochran's own history of domestic violence (a reporter asks him about it, and Johnnie later calls his ex, Barbara Jean Berry). All which is fair, by the way, since they've put Marcia Clark and Chris Darden on display.

Suspect Behavior:

• Preempting people's soaps for the ongoing murder trial — a TV network exec says, "I'd sure rather watch O.J. than some dumb doctor having an affair with a nurse" — because the ratings thirst was real.

• The cover stories about Marcia's new perm, the late night interviews on her looks, and leaked topless photos of her lead to a devastating courtroom breakdown scene.

Last Week: 6

2. JUDGE LANCE ITO

The fame-hungry jurist is clearly looking to get cast in a bit part on Night Court.

Suspect Behavior:

• Ito's cruel greeting to Clark is "Good morning, Marcia. I think?" after she gets a perm.

• The judge in Marcia's custody hearing also throws some shade at Ito, so clearly no one at City Hall was feeling him.

Good Deeds:

• He does, however, call a recess for the day when he can see Marcia struggling with the National Enquirer photo. So maybe he's not completely awful.

Last Week: 4

3. AMERICA

Don't tell me you're shocked that the nation voting for a reality TV star in presidential primaries also thinks that this trial is a reality show.

Suspect Behavior:

• When Kato Kaelin is mentioned, someone watching the trial says, "Bring Kato back on the show; he was so great." Because this trial was the harbinger of reality TV — the people involved are no longer human beings. They've officially morphed into TV characters.

• The grocery store clerk who rings up Marcia's tampons and says, "I guess the defense is in for one hell of a week" is the worst kind of misogynistic trash who can't stop tearing a woman apart for doing her job.

Last Week: 10

4. MARK FUHRMAN

With 100% less Nazi memorabilia this week!

Suspect Behavior:

• This man is clearly lying about ever having used the n-word when F. Lee Bailey questions him about it on the stand. We've seen the Nazi trinkets in your home, Fuhrman!

Last Week: 1

5. F. LEE BAILEY

So comfortable with the n-word in this episode he's about to drop a rap mixtape.

Good Deeds:

• Went after racist Fuhrman with the gusto you'd expect from a white liberal, so there's that.

Suspect Behavior:

• Still, Bailey seemed a bit too gleeful that he got to repeatedly say "n****r" on national television. When I say he went in, he really went in.

• For reference, here's the real-life scene where the real F. Lee Bailey got lit in court:

Last Week: 12

6. O.J. SIMPSON

The merry (accused) murderer is mostly terrorizing his own legal team these days.

Suspect Behavior:

• He actually snaps at Shapiro, "When I want to hear from you, I'll rattle my zipper." Sir, get your blowjobs in prison — your legal team is busy.

Last Week: 7

7. JOHNNIE COCHRAN

Manages to do some actual lawyering this week!

Good Deeds:

• Calls into question the chain of custody with the evidence against O.J. Which was shocking, because it's an actual legal tactic and not some wacky, made-up defense. Maybe Johnnie actually can win this thing! No spoilers, please!

Suspect Behavior:

• Is visibly way too excited about F. Lee Bailey getting to say the n-word multiple times in court.

Last Week: 3

8. DENNIS SCHATZMAN

This Hotep fool reporting on the O.J. trial would fit right in on Respectability Politics Twitter.

Good Deeds:

• Uses his newspaper to highlight police brutality and institutional racism in Los Angeles.

• Has the funniest line of the night when he sees Marcia's new perm: "Who turned her into Rick James?"

Suspect Behavior:

• Calls Chris Darden an affront to black culture, but when called out on the fact that O.J. doesn't actually interact with any black men or women in his daily life, has no response.

Last Week: N/A

9. GIL GARCETTI

The ever-so-overwhelmed District Attorney.

Good Deeds:

• Feels bad for Marcia getting dragged in the press...

Suspect Behavior:

• ...then suggests that maybe she should fix up her image a bit. Gil! What are you doing?

Last Week: 11

10. DOMINICK DUNNE

With no ghoulish dinner party to attend, the Vanity Fair reporter is mostly innocuous this week.

Good Deeds:

• Defends Chris Darden against Schatzman's slander.

Last Week: 2

11. ROBERT SHAPIRO

The Jan Brady of the Dream Team.

Suspect Behavior:

• Why is this man always late? He is always rolling into meetings late and coming up with a petty excuse so he can piss off Johnnie. Sure, Jan.

Last Week: 9

12. MARCIA CLARK

Dripping Jheri curl juice all over the courtroom's upholstery.

Good Deeds:

• Withstanding attacks on her appearance from the media, her legal opponents, and her own colleagues.

• Tries to have a civil custody battle with her ex-husband, who decides to go on national TV and use the trial to argue his case.

• Becomes the victim of the National Enquirer, which, as I stated already, printed a topless photo of her.

Suspect Behavior:

• Is blindsided by Fuhrman being a racist. Sis, the writing's on the wall. Have you not had tea from his swastika china set yet?

Last Week: 5

13. CHRIS DARDEN

Plays the role of supporting black friend this week.

Good Deeds:

• Tells Marcia her new perm looks fantastic, even though he knows that shit looked wack.

• Drinks and dances with Marcia to get her spirits up during the continuing trial and her custody hearing.

Last Week: 8

14. DENISE SIMPSON

The beleaguered sister of Nicole Simpson returns to testify in court.

Good Deeds:

• Trashes O.J. and talks about how he once grabbed Nicole's crotch in public like he was taking pat the puss lessons from Erika Jayne.

Last Week: N/A