The 10-part FX series American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson tells the fascinating tale of Nicole Brown Simpson’s real-life killing and the ensuing media frenzy around the murder trial of her famous ex-husband O.J. Simpson. Once again, in honor of "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick, let’s see what these hellbeasts are up to in Episode 6, "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia," and determine who’s the most morally bankrupt of them all.
1. THE MEDIA
Every outlet has officially turned into a gossip rag.
• Digging into the grandstanding Johnnie Cochran's own history of domestic violence (a reporter asks him about it, and Johnnie later calls his ex, Barbara Jean Berry). All which is fair, by the way, since they've put Marcia Clark and Chris Darden on display.
• Preempting people's soaps for the ongoing murder trial — a TV network exec says, "I'd sure rather watch O.J. than some dumb doctor having an affair with a nurse" — because the ratings thirst was real.
• The cover stories about Marcia's new perm, the late night interviews on her looks, and leaked topless photos of her lead to a devastating courtroom breakdown scene.
Last Week: 6
2. JUDGE LANCE ITO
The fame-hungry jurist is clearly looking to get cast in a bit part on Night Court.
• Ito's cruel greeting to Clark is "Good morning, Marcia. I think?" after she gets a perm.
• The judge in Marcia's custody hearing also throws some shade at Ito, so clearly no one at City Hall was feeling him.
• He does, however, call a recess for the day when he can see Marcia struggling with the National Enquirer photo. So maybe he's not completely awful.
Last Week: 4
Don't tell me you're shocked that the nation voting for a reality TV star in presidential primaries also thinks that this trial is a reality show.
• When Kato Kaelin is mentioned, someone watching the trial says, "Bring Kato back on the show; he was so great." Because this trial was the harbinger of reality TV — the people involved are no longer human beings. They've officially morphed into TV characters.
• The grocery store clerk who rings up Marcia's tampons and says, "I guess the defense is in for one hell of a week" is the worst kind of misogynistic trash who can't stop tearing a woman apart for doing her job.
Last Week: 10
4. MARK FUHRMAN
With 100% less Nazi memorabilia this week!
• This man is clearly lying about ever having used the n-word when F. Lee Bailey questions him about it on the stand. We've seen the Nazi trinkets in your home, Fuhrman!
Last Week: 1
5. F. LEE BAILEY
So comfortable with the n-word in this episode he's about to drop a rap mixtape.
• Went after racist Fuhrman with the gusto you'd expect from a white liberal, so there's that.
• Still, Bailey seemed a bit too gleeful that he got to repeatedly say "n****r" on national television. When I say he went in, he really went in.
• For reference, here's the real-life scene where the real F. Lee Bailey got lit in court:
Last Week: 12
6. O.J. SIMPSON
The merry (accused) murderer is mostly terrorizing his own legal team these days.
• He actually snaps at Shapiro, "When I want to hear from you, I'll rattle my zipper." Sir, get your blowjobs in prison — your legal team is busy.
Last Week: 7
7. JOHNNIE COCHRAN
Manages to do some actual lawyering this week!
• Calls into question the chain of custody with the evidence against O.J. Which was shocking, because it's an actual legal tactic and not some wacky, made-up defense. Maybe Johnnie actually can win this thing! No spoilers, please!
• Is visibly way too excited about F. Lee Bailey getting to say the n-word multiple times in court.
Last Week: 3
8. DENNIS SCHATZMAN
This Hotep fool reporting on the O.J. trial would fit right in on Respectability Politics Twitter.
• Uses his newspaper to highlight police brutality and institutional racism in Los Angeles.
• Has the funniest line of the night when he sees Marcia's new perm: "Who turned her into Rick James?"
• Calls Chris Darden an affront to black culture, but when called out on the fact that O.J. doesn't actually interact with any black men or women in his daily life, has no response.
Last Week: N/A
9. GIL GARCETTI
The ever-so-overwhelmed District Attorney.
• Feels bad for Marcia getting dragged in the press...
• ...then suggests that maybe she should fix up her image a bit. Gil! What are you doing?
Last Week: 11
10. DOMINICK DUNNE
With no ghoulish dinner party to attend, the Vanity Fair reporter is mostly innocuous this week.
• Defends Chris Darden against Schatzman's slander.
Last Week: 2
11. ROBERT SHAPIRO
The Jan Brady of the Dream Team.
• Why is this man always late? He is always rolling into meetings late and coming up with a petty excuse so he can piss off Johnnie. Sure, Jan.
Last Week: 9
12. MARCIA CLARK
Dripping Jheri curl juice all over the courtroom's upholstery.
• Withstanding attacks on her appearance from the media, her legal opponents, and her own colleagues.
• Tries to have a civil custody battle with her ex-husband, who decides to go on national TV and use the trial to argue his case.
• Becomes the victim of the National Enquirer, which, as I stated already, printed a topless photo of her.
• Is blindsided by Fuhrman being a racist. Sis, the writing's on the wall. Have you not had tea from his swastika china set yet?
Last Week: 5
13. CHRIS DARDEN
Plays the role of supporting black friend this week.
• Tells Marcia her new perm looks fantastic, even though he knows that shit looked wack.
• Drinks and dances with Marcia to get her spirits up during the continuing trial and her custody hearing.
Last Week: 8
14. DENISE SIMPSON
The beleaguered sister of Nicole Simpson returns to testify in court.
• Trashes O.J. and talks about how he once grabbed Nicole's crotch in public like he was taking pat the puss lessons from Erika Jayne.
Last Week: N/A