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JEB’S SUPER (SECRET) TUESDAY DIARY! KEEP OUT!!

AN EXCLUSIVE LOOK AT THE PERSONAL JOURNAL OF FORMER FLORIDA GOVERNOR AND NOW FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JEB(!) BUSH.

Dear Diary:

SHHHHHHHHHH. Just managed to sneak in past the dogs and housekeeper. Columba's fast asleep, but after that Diet Coke at lunch I was just so wireddddd! I told her I was going on a walk, but I think she knows I needed some "alone time" while the results rolled out.

And that was six hours ago, Diary.

I did take a walk. I took a WALK, a LONG WALK. Meaning I drove to the beach. MAYBE I was going to just find a nice quiet place to vape while I listened to a CNN live stream on the ol' earbuds. MAYBE that's exactly what I did. I find it easier to contemplate the total implosion of my party while getting a buzz on. Tonight, I even find it kind of funny.

I was inevitable! Then I was a lingering reminder of past mistakes. Who's gonna look worse in the history books now, do you think? The Bush family or the grab bag of "establishment" Republicans who fought so hard for the middle lane they didn't realize they were getting lapped by a vermilion-tinted costermonger with whipped hair and a rotten core?

And in the end, the last establishmentarian standing has had to resort to dick jokes and prop comedy to make his point. LOL, Diary. L-Marc-O-L. He keeps claiming moral victories, but unfortunately those don't COUNT in elections. Should I drop him a line? I have been resisting rubbing it in. Of course, probably the meanest thing I could say would just be, "CONGRATS ON WINNING MINNESOTA."

HE WON'T EVEN WIN FLORIDA, Diary. I guess now is the time to admit I’m voting for Carson. It's sort of a protest? But also, the longer he stays in, the better the chances are that I won't be remembered as the most pathetic guy in the race. "Could someone please attack me?" Been there, bro, been there.

TBQH, Diary, if I could, I would vote for Hillz. Yeah, yeah, her politics are wrong, but she's a fighter, you know? And I can tell she really wants it. Like, wants the actual JOB OF BEING PRESIDENT, not whatever His Trumpyness and that lumpen twerp Cruz think they're running for. (God, who KNOWS what Carson thinks the job is? Parliamentarian of Non Sequiturs?)

I guess Kasich is kind of all right. Though I was texting him earlier and he was all, "brb I might win Vermont!" so … whatevs. I guess some people just like running for president. Can take it or leave it myself, haha.

Ok, Diary, gotta hit the sack. Columba wants to go outlet-mall shopping tomorrow. I'm gonna celebrate my non-candidacy with some cool shorts at rock-bottom prices.

Hasta la vista,

Jeb.