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The Real Winners And Losers Of Super Tuesday

Big day for the lizard people community!

Winners

White Supremacy

Donald Trump politely declined to reject the support of David Duke and the KKK in a CNN interview. We understand that you might think this is metaphorical, so let us point out that we really do mean David Duke and the very non-metaphorical KKK. White supremacy has always enjoyed tremendous popularity in America, although of late, overt white supremacy’s reputation has suffered. But that tide might be turning!

Trump

Trump won seven states and placed second in three more and third in Minnesota, gaining what looks like 203 delegates and consolidating his lead in the Republican primary. His unorthodox strategy of winning by winning continues to pay dividends.

Stephen J. Cohen/WireImage

Op-ed Writers

There’s so much explaining to do, so much rethinking and reconceptualizing, that anyone employed in said businesses is going to have work for the foreseeable future — or at least until January 20, when President Donald Trump takes office and issues a blanket gag order, punishable by stoning, on critiques of him.

The Bernie Bank

Sanders might not have won many states, but he’s probably still feeling pretty good, thanks to the pep talk his supporters gave him on Monday. His campaign announced that it raised $40 million in February — at least $4 million on Leap Day alone. Earlier this week, Bernie said he wanted to stay in the race until all 50 states have spoken. If his supporters keep emptying out their pockets at the same rate, he could make that happen — even if he doesn’t get the requisite vote tallies to match.

Lizard People

The shape-shifting reptiles who live among us thinly disguised as human beings, whose hands are on the levers of commerce, culture, and politics, who orchestrate world events according to their inscrutable design, and who will outlive us all, even as the oceans rise and then boil away and our bloated, dying sun breathes its last rays of light: They’re doing pretty well. We’re just assuming here.

Going Home

Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders aren’t leading in either of their national races. So getting a hug — and a win — from their friends back home in Texas and Vermont, respectively, was just what they needed on Tuesday. Ben Carson, who will never win a state this election season, also went home on Super Tuesday, holding an election-night party in Baltimore, Maryland. Former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore, who dropped out of the race a few weeks ago without anyone noticing, also got to see his home state vote — and managed to beat plenty of other also-rans who spent far more time and money campaigning there than he did.

Jeb Bush

Losing a presidential race and disappointing your family: hundreds of millions of dollars. Spending Super Tuesday eating non-Paleo Saltines and watching viral videos instead: priceless.

Elizabeth Warren’s Secret

Earlier this week, a story was posted online saying that the Massachusetts senator had endorsed Bernie Sanders. It looked like a New York Times article, but it was fake. Senator Warren voted by absentee ballot on Tuesday and didn’t reveal her choice. Maybe she’s in a secret staring contest with the current president to see who blinks and endorses first?

TV News Companies

CBS CEO Les Moonves said earlier this week that Trump’s candidacy "may not be good for America, but it's damn good for CBS. … The money's rolling in and this is fun." Haha, we’re all laughing!

March

March, you may have thought you were doomed to disappoint after a bunch of people attached a "super" to your first day, but — as least as far as the presidential election is concerned — the rest of the month looks pretty exciting, too. Multiple states will be voting on Saturday, Sunday, next Tuesday, next Thursday … and a whole bunch of other days in the upcoming weeks. By the time you’re done, everyone will be sick of you, dear March, but now, when everything is only starting to kick into high gear, you look pretty exciting. It’s the Other March Madness, and it’s here to claim us all.

Losers

History

In attempting to reject Donald Trump’s non-rejection of white supremacists, Republicans have been forced into telling weird lies, like Romney saying that the "coddling of repugnant bigotry is not in the character of America" [since when?] or Paul Ryan saying that the Republican Party "does not prey on people’s prejudices."

Modern Earpiece Technology

Trump blamed his failure to disavow David Duke and the KKK on CNN’s State of the Union on a "very bad earpiece that they gave me," saying "you could hardly hear what [Tapper] was saying." Modern earpieces are clearly very shoddily made, and we at the MTV news desk strongly suggest he invest in the older, more reliable technology of the ear horn, like the esteemed Professor Calculus.

Ben Carson

What are you doing? There are other ways to sell books.

Chris Christie

Witty Repartee

After last Thursday’s GOP debate, a cacophonous campfire song in which each candidate refused to follow the time signature proposed by moderators, the race’s excitable runner-ups decided to give Donald Trump a taste of his own medicine. No, they didn’t confront him with his bad business dealings or his malleable ideology. They just taunted him with insults that a 12-year-old boy would think were gauche. Marco Rubio told supporters that Trump may have peed his pants during the debate — or that he probably has a tiny penis. The Florida senator also made fun of Trump’s spray tan, and actually said the words, "Donald — maybe you should call him CON-ald — Trump." We were going to talk about how Trump also made fun of Rubio sweating, but that Conald joke is so bad we have lost the will to keep going. Conald, you guys. Grandmas high on winning and Necco wafers at Thursday-night bingo — and who think that young Rubio is just so cute — wouldn’t even think that was a good comeback. As Trump said on Tuesday night, "Don Rickles has a lot more talent."

Self-Deception

When asked about Super Tuesday last weekend, John Kasich predicted that "Trump's probably going to win, probably all of them." He added, "At the end of the day, what changes this race is my ability to win in Ohio." (Donald Trump — who has won states, unlike some people — is currently ahead in Ohio.) Kasich insists that he "absolutely exceeded expectations" on Tuesday. One of Rubio’s campaign chairs said, "We're going to win Florida." (Guess who’s ahead in the polls.) Tell yourself whatever you need to in order to get up in the morning, guys, but don’t feel obligated to inflict it on the rest of us.

All Of The Other GOP Candidates

They might have won a few states, but don’t let them fool you with their victory speeches.

We’re talking mostly about you, Rubio.

Republicans Who Wanted To Stop Trump, But Not With Cruz

It’s just not your year. As Cruz himself would say, "Have fun storming the castle."

This Tweet

This Guy Who Wanted To Take A Selfie With John Kasich

We’re assuming that Kasich doesn’t get asked to take too many selfies, but he probably also doesn’t get many chances to take photos that could end up displayed by national news outlets. When the moment came upon him, Kasich decided to stare into another camera lens, the cruel eye of a national media that has largely ignored him, hoping that he could maybe get a little attention before Ohio. The student who was maybe thinking of voting for him got a picture of a governor staring off into the distance that definitely won’t get him that many Instagram likes.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

"The Party Of Lincoln" As A Concept

Republicans love to deploy this "Party of Lincoln" phrase as an example of their Nuh-Uh We Are NOT Racist bona fides, which is funny, since one or two things have happened since Lincoln was around 150 years ago. In any case, Marco Rubio has repeatedly said that the "Party of Lincoln" would never choose "a con man" as their nominee, and we’re going to make an educated guess that he means Donald Trump and not, say, himself? Anyway: That’s not going real well so far.

Mitt Romney

Hi, Mitt! Did you hear that Donald Trump just won the state you used to run? We know you’ve been tweeting up a storm to try to stop him (#WhatIsHeHiding is a great hashtag — you come up with that yourself?), but it doesn’t seem to be working. Also, why haven’t you endorsed Rubio yet if you don’t want Trump to be president? #WhatAreYouWaitingFor #DoYouSeeWhatWeDidThere

TV News Viewers

Les Moonves's aforementioned comments (that Trump’s candidacy “may not be good for America, but it’s damn good for CBS. … The money’s rolling in and this is fun”) could double as the opening lines of a didactic horror movie about the end of American civilization. Oh, dear, this is depressing.