The 10-part FX series American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson tells the fascinating tale of Nicole Brown Simpson’s real-life killing and the ensuing media frenzy around the murder trial of her famous ex-husband, O.J. Simpson. Once again, in honor of "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick, let’s see what these demons are up to — this time in Episode 5, "The Race Card" — and determine who’s the most morally bankrupt of them all.*
1. MARK FUHRMAN
A racist LAPD cop in the '90s. Shocking, I know.
* Doesn't call Chris Darden the n-word like he clearly wants to in every scene they share. His barely controlled restraint is a win for his morality.
* Has clearly said the n-word multiple times, judging from his non-answers (it was practically the real-life Mark's favorite word — hello, Fuhrman Tapes! — but we'll get to that soon enough).
* OWNS NAZI MEMORABILIA IN CASE YOU WERE STILL WONDERING IF HE'S A RACIST.
Last Week: N/A
2. DOMINICK DUNNE
The Vanity Fair reporter who covers the O.J. trial manages to go from grieving about his dead daughter to gleefully talking about Nicole Simpson's death in his first damn appearance. That's some skill.
* Doesn't laugh in Judge Ito's face when he presents his fan letter from Arsenio Hall, which is polite, I guess.
* Submits his tales for the approval of the Midnight Society of Nicole Banging Michael Bolton (girl, what?) at a dinner party.
* Suggests that O.J. bought out Nicole's parents so he could continue to beat her.
* Generally looks and sounds like a ghoul, so congrats, People v. O.J. hair and makeup team!
Last Week: N/A
3. JOHNNIE COCHRAN
The only litigator who also moonlights as an interior decorator.
* In a flashback to 1989, Cochran teaches his daughters a lesson about how to deal with the police when he's pulled over for Driving While Black in a white neighborhood.
* Warns Darden that he's being used by the DA's office because he's black. Which is a little petty, but it's (a) true, and (b) Johnnie experienced the same thing when he was ADA.
* Speaks to the press outside of church — like, I'm pretty sure the Lord would've asked you to chill on that, Johnnie.
* Literally whispers "n----, please" to Darden in the middle of the courtroom, which is FLAGRANT. There are white people around, Johnnie. Don't be like this.
* Transforms into a reality TV contestant when he tells Darden that he didn't come here to make friends, he came here to win.
* Quotes MLK like a white person trying to win points in a presidential race.
* Pulls all of the furniture from Nicole's house and replaces everything at O.J.'s with pro-black artwork and pictures of random black people. This is a move from a true evil genius.
Last Week: 2
4. JUDGE LANCE ITO
Something tells me he wishes he could host People's Court.
* Gives a Vanity Fair reporter a front-row seat.
* Crows about getting his first piece of celebrity fan mail, which is from … Arsenio Hall. Maybe I'm looking at this through modern eyes, but Arsenio's talk show was canceled a year earlier, so maybe Ito should stay pressed.
Last Week: 13
5. MARCIA CLARK
I'm not sure wearing all black like a devil worshipper is a switch from her brown business suits.
* Forces Darden to interview Mark Fuhrman, the LAPD detective who found the blood-stained glove at the center of the case, to see if he's racist. Then accuses Darden of being racist for thinking Furhman is a racist.
Last Week: 5
6. THE MEDIA
Releasing useless polls since Dewey beat Truman.
* Let's talk about whichever white journalist asked people if they thought Chris Darden was an "Uncle Tom" and deigned to print the results of said poll in a national newspaper.
Last Week: 6
7. O.J. SIMPSON
The first black person to use the "I can't be racist, I have black friends" defense.
* Has, like, zero black friends. I don't even think he's friends with himself.
* Yells at Darden for sitting on the bench in his backyard. Sir, the random semen samples probably on that bench should be punishment enough.
Last Week: 8
8. CHRIS DARDEN
Harriet Beecher Stowe's best friend.
* Puts up with the nonsense of Marcia Clark wanting him to be the one who interviews the racist cop.
* Gets yelled at by his dad for betraying the black community. Sounds like me in high school when my friends found out I listened to Pearl Jam.
* Pretends that black people can't be objective if they find out Fuhrman is a racist. We mostly assume everyone is racist at a minimum — confirmation would probably put the jury at ease.
Last Week: 11
9. ROBERT SHAPIRO
Thankfully, no Hawaiian shirts this week.
* Gets petty and calls F. Lee Bailey "Judas."
* Throws a tantrum and refuses to enter a meeting.
Last Week: 3
Maybe don't call people Uncle Toms for trying to convict a murderer?
* People protest O.J.'s trial because he beat up Nicole.
* Jurors get excited over seeing O.J.'s Heisman trophy. We're supposed to be doing a job here, people.
* Thirsty dinner-party guests lapping up all of Dunne's National Enquirer gossip.
Last Week: 7
11. GIL GARCETTI
The beleaguered district attorney is still navigating this whole "race" thing.
* Tells Darden to ignore the polls and response to him in the city, as if that won't be a direct reflection of how the jury perceives this case.
Last Week: 10
12. F. LEE BAILEY
Still the shadiest member of the Dream Team.
* Responds to being called Judas by Shapiro with, "I guess that makes you Jesus?"
Last Week: 4
13. ROBERT KARDASHIAN
Once again, leaves the future DASH store clerks at home. Can we keep it this way?
* Doesn't really do anything this episode, so that's kind of a blessing.
Last Week: 9
14. ALAN DERSHOWITZ
Dershowitz was literally seen and not heard this week. He knows I'm watching!
Last Week: 12