Dear Jennifer Lawrence,
First of all, let me just say congratulations on snagging your fourth -- fourth! -- Oscar nomination for Joy. Sure, it wasn't your best movie, but you knew that going in, right? And you seemed genuinely happy for Brie Larson when she won Best Actress during last night's Oscars ceremony, which made me smile. I'd like to believe you and Brie did a few shots of Kentucky bourbon together at the Vanity Fair after party. But I digress.
Jennifer, we need to talk about something important, something that I noticed watching the Oscars from afar in a Viacom conference room in New York City: where the hell were you last night? I scrolled through approximately 47 pages of Getty images looking for you on the red carpet. Do you know how long that takes? Getty doesn't have a very user friendly interface, so TL;DR: it took a really long time, Jennifer.
When a photo of you finally emerged -- looking lovely in that black and nude lacy Dior dress, BTW -- I was already furiously transcribing Chris Rock's opening monologue. (This isn't Spotlight, Jennifer; this is the Oscars.) You rolled up to the red carpet late, with David O. Russell on your arm, and you didn't even stop to talk to ABC's Lara Spencer. She waited for you on the stairs of the Dolby Theatre, Jennifer.
Do you know how incredibly boring red carpets are without you? There's no one to make fart jokes. Priyanka Chopra tried to tell Ryan Seacrest how hungry she was, but dammit, it just wasn't the same.
There was no one around to grace us with their unabashed gracelessness. When you fell during your Best Actress win in 2013, we thought it was just a one-time deal we would treasure forever. But when you did it again on the carpet in 2014, it became a recurring phenomenon. We need more, Jennifer. We must have more.
Not to mention the show itself was desperately lacking a J-Law moment. No spontaneous reaction shots? No epic photobomb behind Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet? No desperate attempt to claw a samoa from Christian Bale's hands? It's like we don't even know you anymore, Jennifer.
Or maybe you decided, like Anne Hathaway and Taylor Swift before you, that we need a break from you and your award show antics. Listen, Jen -- can I call you Jen? -- I get it. In Hollywood (read: everywhere) women face an egregious amount of scrutiny. So-called "It" girls like yourself are hot one second, then mercilessly picked apart the next. Hell, the people have already started turning on Jacob Trembly, and he's only 9 years old. (So you better tell your girl Brie to prepare herself for that.)
Here's where I'm going to get real with you in the name of transparency, Jennifer: I am not one of your biggest fans. I think you're incredibly talented, and I loved your thought-provoking essay, "Why Do I Make Less Than My Male Co‑Stars?" Simply put, I think you're awesome and fun as hell, but I'm decidedly not under the belief that you, J-Law, are ***flawless and can do no wrong. Everyone fucks up, even you.
You probably didn't anticipate the backlash you received for wryly scolding a foreign reporter in the Golden Globes press room. To my ears, it sounded like you were being sarcastic. Though, you may want to work on your delivery next time. That joke didn't really land the way you wanted it to, and your image took a hit for it. Since then, you've been a little too quiet.
Listen, I understand if you're a little hesitant to step back into the spotlight so soon after that shitstorm. But you're at a crucial point in your career. You're inarguably one of the biggest stars on the planet, but with the Hunger Games series now over, and your time with X-Men waning, you're about to embark on a new phase in your life as an actor. After years of your magic touch -- from red carpet memes, to goofy expressions, to statements of unequivocal feminism -- it's inevitable that even the most hardcore fans might be looking for a crack in your armor. Don't let them get to you, Jen. Regardless of what they say, we have not reached Peak Jennifer Lawrence. You don't need to retcon your image.
To quote our girl Annie Hathaway, you are a "beautiful, talented, wildly successful, popular, FOUR TIME OSCAR NOMINATED young woman" -- and frankly, you don't have time for this nonsense. It's all background noise. I may not be a J-Law stan, but the last thing I want is for you to stop being you because you're afraid of the potential backlash. That's what makes you so damn refreshing, Jennifer: you're not supposed to care what other people think. So please don't let them win; don't let them dictate your worth.
If you need to take more time off, I understand. You've been working non-stop for years, showing up to countless red carpets and press days with a smile on your face. Everyone deserves a break. Look at Adele! She took four years off, came back sounding better than ever, and became the world's sweetheart seemingly overnight.
But please, Jen, don't feel like we need a break from you. It's quite the opposite, actually. We need you. The Oscars just weren't the same without you.
P.S. Please, for the love of Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar, dump David O. Russell as a director. That man doesn't deserve you. He's the high school boyfriend you can't seem to shake. He's like Dean from Gilmore Girls, Jennifer. DEAN. Let that sink in.