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The Real Winners And Losers Of Nevada And South Carolina

Winner: Trump. Also: Doomsday preppers.

Nevada had a caucus. South Carolina had a primary. But what does it all mean???

Winners:

Jeb!: He finally got the result he needed to reasonably bow out and end the ritual public humiliation that was his presidential campaign. The guy hadn’t run for office in 13 years, and it showed. Perhaps more importantly, he never seemed to be all that interested in running for president -- conducting himself with the sad, preoccupied look of someone who has received a terminal diagnosis but is trying to keep up appearances for the sake of his beloved pets. Now he is free.

Marco Rubio's pristine losing streak: Nobody thought he could keep up his string of inspiring losses, but Rubio continues to prove the pundits wrong. His innovative plan of avoiding winning any of the primary elections or caucuses, once thought by the so-called "experts" to be crucial to winning a nomination, continues to work exactly as he'd hoped. He’s not mad, he’s actually laughing.

Donald Trump: By winning in both Nevada and South Carolina, Trump won. He has now won three straight Republican primary contests. I have nothing more to say.

Doomsday Preppers: You laughed at them when they moved out to the wilderness, laughed as they dug out their underground bunkers, laughed when they told you that the end was near, laughed when they started stockpiling canned foods and ammunition. You laughed at them. Who is laughing now?

The Second Law of Thermodynamics: Order inevitably collapses into chaos.

Ethan Miller/Getty

Losers:

Marty Cohen, David Karol, Hans Noel, and John Zaller: These dudes wrote a book called The Party Decides, which was all about how although there’s been a reform in the electoral primary process, insiders in both parties are basically in control of who actually gets nominated. All of the smart pundits read this book, which seemed very clever and reasonable until loose cannon Donald Trump came along and started steamrolling the GOP while Republican insiders looked on in helpless disbelief. The thing may be headed for the bargain bin now.

George W. Bush: In the most desperate of straits, Jeb?! finally turned to his older brother for help in winning South Carolina, where Dubya is still remembered and loved fondly. Jeb?? got creamed anyway, meaning that George wasted valuable studio time for no reason, got blamed for 9/11 by the Republican front-runner, and got stained by touching his loser little brother’s campaign.

Pundits: These folks, on the one hand, wasted everyone’s collective time by writing endless Jeb postmortems. The reason Jeb lost is because he was a terrible candidate who ran a campaign that lost every day, every news cycle, and every debate, which led to him losing every primary and caucus. It’s not that complicated. On the other hand, pundits embarrassed themselves with their fawning over the supposed dignity, restraint, and tragic nobility with which Jeb ran his campaign, as if none of us know how to Google the meanings of these words.

You: You lost because you were born into life, and life at its best is a series of Pyrrhic victories and strategic retreats that ultimately ends in death and a vast, borderless unknowing. Chin up, though. Losing is not that bad. You get used to it after awhile.

via Giphy