77 Unnatural Sex Acts That Should Definitely Stay Illegal

Fellow Americans, the old guy from 'Duck Dynasty' has a point. We have 77 more.

Phil Robertson, the patriarch of A&E’s Duck Dynasty, introduced Ted Cruz at a Friday rally in South Carolina. The reality star–cum–conservative moralist decided to forcefully insert a long aside about sexual ethics into his introduction, and in the process completely derailed all of our Friday nights. "Y’all wanna legalize unnatural acts, sexual acts?" Robertson asked. (Y’all, this wasn’t even the weirdest thing that happened at that rally.) He didn’t specify which sexual acts he’d like to keep illegal, but that’s where we come in. The denizens of the MTV newsroom found ourselves unable to think of anything else for hours. Below, a thorough but by no means exhaustive list of points on which we agree with Mr. Robertson. America’s got to draw moral lines somewhere, after all, and we’d like those lines to lie somewhere between us and any of the following:



Bagel breaching

Gutter crumpling


The Swing State

The Strict Constructionist

The Soft Launch

The Hard Reset

The Rubio Bass Drop

The West Virginia Waterloo

The Forward Boreanz

Delivering DiGiorno’s

The Extensive Footnote

The Vidal v. Buckley

Silicon Valley Unicorning

The Throwback Thursday

The Facebook Break

The Extended Facebook Break



Makin’ Space in the Overhead Bin

Achieving Cloture

The Sticky Bandit


The Biden Handshake

The Worm Ouroboros

Shifting the Overton Window

The Whistle-Stop Tour

The Budget Humidor

The October Surprise

The Down-ballot Coattails

The Premature IPO

The Polite Press Scrum

The Costco Pizza

Skimming the Assigned Reading

Deep Webbing

Sledding on Rosebud

The Crying Jordan

John Carpenter’s Vampires

The Carolina Pivot

Don’t Tread On Me

The J Gordon Liddy

The Achtung Baby

Reverse Jodhpurs

Some Pig


Clint Howarding

Updating the Firmware

Closing the Aperture


Hardball With Chris Matthews

The Direct-to-Video

Ascending the Stairwell

The Abandoned Lighthouse

The Grand Booty Pest Hotel


The Ol’ Darkest Timeline

The Father Stretch My Hands

The Tennessee Thinkpiece

The Ontario Fingerpaint




Good Ol’ Raisins and Peanuts

The Jolly Revenant

The Yes Solicitors

The Solo Trombone in the Orchestra Pit

The Another Dubious Trend Piece in the Style Section

The Where in My Dungeon Is Carmen Sandiego?

The Is It Synecdoche Or Metonymy?


Le Petit Avada Kedavra

Do You Hear the People Sing (Reprise)

Find My iPhone

Tilda Swinting

Katy Perry for H&M